Extra Sperm

Source

I paid about $150 to freeze Bean's sperm last summer, and then $40 a month to keep it frozen.  I've been debating what to do with it after the news.

1.  Keep it frozen for IVF.  It's horrible quality but IVF doesn't care the count or if they are swimming.  Only thing is my IVF date is at least 6 months off and I have to pay each month until then.  But if my IVF date come up and my husband is on a business trip, well I have to put IVF on hold.  

2.  Give IUI another try, even though it's far for ideal quality.

3. Discarded it, just medical waste.  Then use fresh for IVF and IUI.

I called SRM up and asked about destroying it.  Come to find out it's a lot of paperwork and Bean needs to be here in person.  So #1 and #2 seems like easier options.  Maybe I'll just do another IUI.

-Selbe

On a Break

And then there was the end...

That pretty much sums up IUI #2.

It Only Takes One

Fertile and infertile women say this to me all the time, especially after my last IUI.  I know they are trying to be optimistic for me but I really find it annoying.  Honestly being in my shoes look at it this way:

	IUI #1	IUI #2	IUI	IUI
Motility	83%	45%	-	100%
Rapid & Linear	58%	5%	-	100%
Total Sperm	12.5 mil	1.3 mil	1	100 mil
Total Eggs	1	2	4	3
Outcome	-	- ?	LOL	+ ?

Logically if 12.5 million swimming to 1 egg = negative, then 1.3 million non-swimming to 2 eggs = most likely negative.  So just one sperm, swimming or not, to 17 fucking eggs is also going to equal negative.

I'd much rather be honest and realistic, and I know that doesn't work for some people.  But that is what works for me.  Once I get the hope in my mind, all the other happy thoughts and dreams come with it.  When I find out it didn't work I end up crying my eyes out for hours.  It's better off to be realistic, expect the worst and be emotional prepared for it.

Don't tell me "well it only takes one".  Just fucking say you're sorry and move on.

Maybe I've just had a crappy life and I'm used to horrible luck.

Chemical

My cramps have mine really bad this cycle.  I've been drugged up on Midol every few hours.  TMI  Tons of clots and my spotting was almost purple.  That combined with the test from the other day, maybe I'm having a chemical pregnancy/early miscarriage?  I'd never know since I didn't get blood work and I'm not going to wander over to the ER now to have it done.  Not like they could do anything  for me anyways.  Labeling myself as having a chemical pregnancy isn't exactly on honor.  

Future Plans with IVF

My plans before with using Bean's cryopreservation was to complete about 8-ish IUIs before I got to the top of the IVF list.  So far we've done two, August and then September 2012.  October is canceled.  November might be canceled depending on some other scheduling.  December is still on.  After that my schedule gets sketchy.  It looks like December will be my third IUI and that's it.  I wouldn't mind going to IVF and not completing a third IUI.  Bean's numbers are not that great, so I'm not even sure it's worth it.  Only reason I even do the IUIs to begin with is there's a tiny bit of hope and they are only $200.  

I'm looking forward to this break for a cycle or two.  I'll still be on Met everyday.  I'd hate to stop and have to spend another three weeks of my body getting used to it again later on.  It's just easier to stick with it.  Met usually takes about three month in your body before it starts to work so I'm interested in seeing it it kicks in.

I hate the number 13.  The ultrasound was on a Friday the 13th.  Ever since I'm superstitious of it.  I don't like odd numbers, and 3's.  I don't really a baby born in 2013.  That might sound weird, but I really hoped to make the 2012 cut off.  Now 2014, that's a safe number.  At least I've checked off over half of 2013 now.

I'm going to call Madigan tomorrow and double check with them when my approximate IVF date is.  I can't always trust the things they tell me because they tend to leave out details and are unorganized.  I think the price increased from $6000 to $8000 a couple months ago too.  I'd like to have around $12-14k saved up for IVF and possibly a FET or two.

An IVF cycle ($8-13k) consists of injectable drugs, blood work, ultrasounds, going in to retrieve the eggs when mature, having the eggs combined with sperm in the lab to create embryos, and then a few days later putting 1 or 2 embryos in the uterus.  The extra embryos, can be none, can be 20, are frozen. If the IVF cycle does not work (or you want your baby to have siblings years down the road) then the next cycle the frozen embryos are used.  This cycle is called a FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer) and costs about $4k on top of what you already paid for the IVF.  Every time you go to do FET with the remaining embryos and you have pay again.

I'm a much better candidate for IVF than IUI due to my age and that fact I have tons of eggs for the average 27 year old.  Plus if I have ten eggs, well theoretically Bean only needs 10 sperm, not 10 million.  And they don't even need to be swimming or have tails.

Since I'm not TTC I'm not sure how much I'll be blogging for the next month or so.  Forgive me if I'm missing for bits of time.

PS I got a new basal thermometer today!  My old one needed a new battery, and it was cheaper to buy a new thermometer than one of those tiny watch batteries.  I'll keep my current one as backup.

-Selbe

A Move Closer to IVF

Today's IUI was done with 1.3 million sperm, not good.  "Vial 1" from May had 10 million post freeze, and most of those didn't survive the thaw.  I asked about "Vial 2" from June that was still frozen and they said it would produce about 2 million, 3 at the most.  A little bit better.  But the RE would like 10 million and above.  Plus motility and R&L went down.

	IUI #1 - BFN	IUI #2
Volume	0.5 ml	0.5 ml
Concentration	30 millon	5.6 millon
Motility	83%	45%
Rapid & Linear	58%	5%
Total	12.5 millon	1.3 million

They gave me the option of canceling the cycle and just walking away.  But I already did the Femara, trigger shot, had two great eggs and got lost in Seattle trying to get to the RE.  I already drank four cups of water to have a full bladder and I was half naked on their table.  The chances of getting PG with those numbers are next to nothing, even with two good quality eggs.  But I paid the $225 for the IUI and went through with it.  The fact that I actually had eggs to ovulate was rare and I just can't go home to have timed intercourse as a backup.  I had to do something.  

This is my first and last cycle doing IUI from a non fresh sample.  "Vial 2" will be labeled for IVF only, or discarded in the future.  

I will wait for AF and then next cycle I will have no meds except Metformin.  The October IUI will be canceled obviously.  My PCOS will probably just make my ovaries go into sleep mode again.  Right before my husband comes home from deployment I will take Provera to start my cycle again.  

I'm going to call the RE on Monday and double check where my spot is on the IVF wait list.  Then possibly having a WTF appointment and talk about having my ovaries drilled out while I wait in October.

-Selbe

Game Over

IUI #1.5... failed.

After five days of spotting and calling up the RE with the WTF question it finally came.  I would count Friday as CD1 but my flow didn't pick up 'til really late at night, so today it is.  I can't start my new cycle of meds 'til Monday anyways.  

My husband got deployed last week.  In the last couple months he had frozen sperm incase IUI #1 #1.5 didn't work.  Which is great now because I can use it and be the talk of every bored military wife if it does work.  The bad thing is that frozen sperm doesn't always hold up as well as the fresh stuff.  Many die in the freeze and thaw.  We also have low count to begin with.  Plus we can't get extra sexy time in before and following the IUI like last time.  The odds are not in our favor.

My Choices:

1. Pay $10k at least and have IVF done at a doctor outside of the military, going ahead of the military wait list.
2. Do IUI #2 with frozen sperm.
3. Do nothing.

I'm going with the second one.  We have two vials in storage, enough for two IUIs well he's gone.  Tentatively mid-September for #2 and mid-October for #3.  I'll put TTC on hold after October.  If the thaw for IUI #2 is really bad then I'll just stop there.  

For IUI #2 I'll start Femara Monday, U/S around the 7th and IUI around the 11th.

I did cry when I knew this didn't work (which has been several days now).  It was more of a combined cry with my upcoming due date (another post).  Which is now CD1!  It's hard for me to understand 1 egg to 13 million sperm in such a small place.  Where does it go wrong?  Not one of those fucking 13 million could find the egg?  

IUI Success Rate - Source

I'm getting rid of baby aspirin also.  Not sure if it helped my follicle grow or if it was all Femara.  I had 10mm follicle with 6mm lining on Clomid.  Compared to 17.5mm follicle with 8 mm lining on Femara.  But if I do crappy on my next follicle scan they'll just move me to injectables like I've been asking for anyways.  All I will waste is time.  That is fine because my race to get pregnant by the end of 2011   have an apocalypse baby   to give birth in 2012    to get pregnant before my due date to beat the deployment is over. 

Normally an RE will tell you your best chance of success from IUI will be in the first three cycles.  Not saying it won't happen, just less likely.  Depending on why you think the IUI failed, how hopeful you are and the price difference between IUI vs IVF, this can move up or delay IVF.  Or in my case a really long wait list, cheap IUI and nothing but time to kill.  I will probably make it to 5 or 6 IUI (if unsuccessful) before IVF.

Deployment

As for my husband's business trip I don't know where he went or when he'll be back.  We have very limited contact.  No Skype, Facetime, Internet, phone call, text messages, snail mail or emails.  I can send him 10 messages the whole deployment and each has to be under 50 words.  Good ol' family grams.  Each one is read by someone before it is sent off, and then read aloud in front of a bunch of people before it is given to him.  Not much privacy there.  I can't say anything too depressing or it won't get sent, or too much "code" text.  And he won't respond to any of them, ever.  There is nothing I can do to get him to come home early, except for maybe dying.  I'm on my own.  I also have a lot of free time.

Etsy

I re-listed a bunch of my old stuff I made on Etsy.  Only thing that really sell is my small animal bedding sets, which goes for about $30 a set.  I'm paid by PayPal for everything, which I then use to buy other things online.  I feel like I get things for free that way.  Problem is I don't put much effort into it.  If I made new bedding all the time and advertised I'm make a lot more.  Right now I get about five orders a week.  

-Selbe

Tattoo Ideas

I increased my Metformin to 1000mg today.  I haven't had any bad side effects.  One day of diarrhea which was more like an mild lactose intolerant attack.  Any other side effect I can push off as having too much dairy.    

Source

Bean's last two cryopreservations only resulted in one vial each time.  I found out why is because it is washed before frozen, cutting down on space.  We currently owe SRM $500 and have two vials in the freezer.

I thought I'd share the tattoo idea I had.  I like the wings, I like the footprint (though I only want one, not two) and I like the halo but in blue.  The one in the picture is very small, I'd like 3 or 4 times the size of it.  I don't want any names or dates on it though.  Now I just have to find a tattoo place I trust, being new to the area in all.

I added some photos from our hike last weekend.  This is the Spruce Railroad Trail on Lake Crescent outside of Port Angeles, WA.

Bean & Loki

Blue water

Blue water

Mountains

Trail

Bridge

Selbe & Loki

For all those Twilight fans out there

-Selbe

Much Better Day

Special Puppy

After many phone calls and rushing my old records (which were supposed to be transferred over a month ago) we finally got what we wanted.

Provera & Pregnancy Tests

They gave me Provera.  Same 10mg but seven days this time.  I'm on day two of seven and I usually get AF 14 days after the last pill.  So CD1 in about three weeks.

Before the Provera they made me get a pregnancy test.  A urine PG test.  What is that?  I thought I would explain the two types of PG tests.

• Qualitatively - Meaning you get a "yes" or "no" if hCG is found.  Never a maybe.  This is with all urine tests (lab or at home) & some blood tests. 
• Quantitatively - You get a number of how much hCG is found.  Results are based on the number, so < 5 is not PG, 5 to 25 maybe, and > 25 is pregnant.  This is always blood and used by all REs.  I've never heard of an RE using a urine test.  This is also good because after multiple blood tests they can look at the trends in number to see if there is a problem with the pregnancy.  In the infertile world this is simply know as "beta".  

After being infertile this long I feel like a urine test is too much work for me.  Blood tests I just hop up on the chair, they stick me with a needle and then 30 second later I'm patched up and out of there.  It's more "painful" for me sitting in the overly crowded waiting room than the actual needle.  The urine test they gave me a bag with a cup, wipes and stickers and told me where the bathroom was.  Next I'm standing the the bathroom looking at the 12 steps on the wall of instruction on how to give a urine sample.   Then wondering to myself if this is enough pee to fulfill their 30ml requirement.  This is too much work, just stick me with a needle next time.  Anyways, it was negative.

Clomid Increased 

They decided to give me the Clomid this cycle, as long as I go to the high risk appointment on the 26th.  This also means I am doing Ovidrel with IUI.  Yay!

Last week they wanted Clomid 50mg for me.  After reviewing my records today they decided to increase my dose to 100mg.  Though I still hate Clomid I have more hope in 100 over 50.  

Frozen Sperm

We went into Seattle to freeze Bean's sperm yesterday.  It went well.  I don't have a count or any other numbers.  But he did produce one vial worth for freezing.  It's sperm in the freezer so I should be happy.  And we do plan on doing it a couple more times in the next few weeks.  But does one vial per ejaculation sound normal?  I'm trying to Google and it seems like only one is used per IUI.  Sustained all of Saturday, Sunday and Monday.  

I'm so grateful that Bean goes along with these ideas.  I know it's not easy to jerk off in a strange room with people walking around outside. 

Blood Work

Last Friday I has another series of blood work, seven vials this time.  I looked at my hand after he got done and it turned purple with white spots.  It was pretty amusing to me.  Today I picked up the results.

	Selbe's	Normal Range
Estradiol	134	27 - 433 pg/mL*
DHEA	205	18 - 391 ug/dL
LH	14.31	1.2 - 103.03 mIU/mL**
FSH	6.28	1.79 - 22.51 mIU/mL ***
Prolactin	10.53	3.34 - 26.72 ng/mL
Insulin	8.86	1.9 - 23 uIU/mL
Creatinine	0.8	0.6 - 1 mg/dL
ALT	32	30 - 65 U/L
Fasting Glucose	92	70 - 110 mg/dL
TSH	1.38	0.34 - 4.82 uIU/mL
Testosterone	68	2 - 45 mg/dL
HgbA1C	5.1	4.3 - 6.1 %
17-OHP	79	< 285 ng/dL ****

* Estradiol - Mid-follicular phase: 27-122;  Periovulatory: 95-433;  Mid-luteal phase: 49-291

** LH - Follicular phase: 2.12-10.89;  Mid-cycle: 19.18-103.03;  Luteal: 1.2-12.86

*** FSH - Follicular phase: 3.85-8.78;  Mid-cycle: 4.54-22.51;  Luteal: 1.79-5.12; Postmenopausal: 16.74-113.59

**** 17-OHP - Follicular phase: <185; Luteal phase: <285

A few of those with the *'s depend on where I am in my cycle.  Since I'm CD60 I'm guessing I'm in the luteal phase?  I'm sure that isn't right because I never ovulated.  The only number that is high is my testosterone and that is common for a women with PCOS.

IVF

I was told yesterday the IVF wait list is at about 9 months right now.  But it could become shorter if other people drop out of the program.

-Selbe

First RE Appointment

My new MTF called me today.  The first appointment at the new RE is May 24th!  So long off but sooner than I thought they'd get me in.  I can get ready to start IUI with frozen sperm!  So excited!

-Selbe

BFN, TWW and Move to IUI

My OPKs got confusing this cycle so I don't know when I ovulated.  I got a dark positive CD12, then another a little lighter positive CD13.  There was also a lot of soreness on both the right and left sides from CD12-CD15.  And clear fluid CD12 and CD13.  Lets just guess and say CD14 was when I ovulated.  I'd be 13dpo today.

Not Pregnant

I never got any more pregnancy tests with a line as dark as the other day.  So NOT PREGNANT.  Maybe it was an evaporated line or something? 

There is still time, I didn't get my last BFP 'til 15dpo.  But I don't feel pregnant.  I also don't feel like I'm going to get my period tomorrow or Sunday.  I've gotten menstrual cramps all week, however, they only last a few hours at the most and then disappear again.  I don't know what to think.

I'll try another pregnancy test in the morning.

New Doctors and New Procedures Coming Soon

I went to get registered on base for my insurance today.  My old base I got sent out into the civilian world for my ENT, OBGYN and RE, just because they didn't have doctors there to care for me.  This base is much larger and has many of those things.  My first thought, "they can't possibly have the correct services to care for my screwed up self, I want a REAL doctor."  And then, 

"look at those girls in the OBGYN clinic, they're all pregnant and so young. I hope they don't expect me to sit in there with them."  I was pissed about the latest BFN.  Last thing I want to do is get stuck in a waiting room with a bunch of pregnant women who don't have the slightest idea what infertility is about.

I'm not sure how long it is going to take to get an appointment with my primary doctor, then OBGYN, then finally send me to a fertility specialist.  My husband's job sends him away from long periods of time with no real schedule.  This starts in a couple weeks.  This current cycle was our last TTC naturally (as in penis in vagina).  Maybe a couple times a year we'll get a chance but they'll be no schedule ahead of time or planning.  And with myself being annovulatory a lot of time, well I'm even more useless.

IUI - Source

I'm moving forward with IUI.  It was a decision made last year once my husband started going out to sea again, though I hoped I'd get pregnant and stay pregnant so it wouldn't come down to this.  It will be with my husband's frozen sperm so I'm not waiting on his schedule.  And I'll probably be using all injectables, unless they decide to give Clomid another try with monitoring this time.  I'm hoping to get all these appointments done, whatever testing they want, and the sperm in the freezer by August so I can start the IUI then.  Not sure if that is a realistic date with military doctors.  The waiting list is a year or two out for IVF so that's not doing to happen anytime soon.  My husband's schedule is going to be like for for the next three years.  I see the women in their 30's and 40's at the RE office, I know my insides are failing already.  I need to get this done and not wait three years.

No BFP and AF this weekend, then IUI is my next step.

On the positive I always did want twins, and IUI will bring me closer to that.

My two week wait symptoms:

Abdomen

Bloating - 0dpo-now off & on - Could be anything.  I feel fat sometimes.
Ovary Pain - 0dpo-2dpo - Ovulation?
Sharp/Stabbing Pains/Pulling/Twinges - 0dpo-2dpo - Ovulation.
Cramps - 4dpo-6dpo light, 10dpo strong, 11dpo-now middle - Could be AF coming.
Sore Muscles - 3dpo-now off & on - Lots of moving around.

Back & Legs

Backache - 8dpo-12dpo - Pain in the middle, usually I have upper or lower.

Chest

Heartburn - 6dpo - Burning throat, not sure what heartburn feels like.
Sore Breast - 2dpo-9dpo sore, 10dpo-12dpo really sore, 13dpo really really sore - Could be high estrogen or progesterone.

Emotional

Irritability - 11dpo-now - Could be PMS.
Happy - 0dpo-now - Ether really happy or PMS.
Anxious - 10dpo-now - I want this TWW to be over.

Head

Bleeding Nose - 12dpo - Dry nose?
Headache - 0dpo-now - Normal.
Stuff Nose - 4dpo-now - Allergies?
Dizziness/Light Headed - 9dpo-10dpo

Overall

BBT Luteal Phase Dip - 7dpo - Gave up on BBT though.
Vivid Dreams - 11dpo-now

Skin

Acne Breakout - 0dpo-now

Pelvis

Diarrhea - 7dpo-now off & on - With a lot of dairy.
Increased Cervical Fluid - 11dpo-now
Increased Appetite - 2dpo-now - Sometimes I've just starving, other times I'm fine.
Nausea - 5dpo-now - Morning and nights before I go to bed.  Sometimes it's so bad I almost dry heave.  This happens frequently when I don't eat much.
Food Aversion - 11dpo-now - Chicken.  Keep it away from me.

-Selbe