13dpo

Thanks for the emails/messages/comments everyone.  I know many of you were looking for an update.  The second line never seems as dark or pink as the other day, so I never posted anything else on here.  I figured it would start getting darker by now if it was a true BFP.  I also never went in for blood work ether.

Green is the July 23 cycle.
Purple is my current cycle.

Fertility Friend going by my BBT puts me at 14dpo.  Ovacue puts me at 14/12dpo (gave me two days, the 12dpo is probably more accurate).  My OPKs put me at 14/13dpo.  The O type pains I felt puts me at 12dpo.  The guess for the U/S and trigger timing puts me at 14/13dpo.  I think I will just average it out and say 13dpo for now, or 15dpt, 13dpiui.  AF should be here today, tomorrow, Sunday, or maybe Monday.

I'll do the TWW symptoms from Countdown to Pregnancy today.

Sharp/Stabbing Pains/Pulling/Pinching - Sometimes, off and on, usually the left side.  But I've had it other BFN cycles too.

Cramps (Like PMS/AF) - 11dpo, 13dpo.  I sometimes have no cramps before AF (last cycle) or it goes on for several days.  It doesn't randomly stop though.  But I cramp a lot more randomly since my D&E.

Ovulation Pain - 0dpo, before arriving at Location X.  

Backache - 13dpo

Sensitive Breasts - 9dpo-now.  Medium to very sore.

Weepy - 11-12dpo.

"I Feel Out This Month"/Depressed - 0dpo-now.  Not going to lie, it's infertility.

Headache - 13dpo

Stuffy/Running Nose - 1-10dpo.  I've had a cold.

Dizziness/Light Headed - Off and on, not as bad as other cycles though.

Sore Throat - 1-3dpo.  Again, sick.

Increased Sense of Smell - 11dpo-now.  Stuff stinks, it makes me stomach hurt more.  Not sure if it always stinks or it's just me.

Dry Mouth/Increased Thirst - 1-5dpo.  Again, sick.

Fatigue/Exhaustion - Off and on.  Probably from being sick.

BBT Luteal Phase Dip - 2, 8 and 12dpo.  Largest at 8dpo.

Vivid Dreams - 13dpo, they are more real?

Cervix Pain - 11dpo, typical pulling.

Diarrhea - Often.  Probably just the Met.

Increased Cervical Fluid - 13dpo, usually don't happen right before AF so that was a surprise.

Vomiting - 11dpo

Nausea - 11dpo - now.  My stomach still doesn't feel right, it hurts a lot.  I woke up during the night yesterday to eat.  And it still hurt today during my interview.  It feels better if I eat, but I have zero interest in doing so somedays.

New/Strange Cravings - 11dpo - now.  I want to eat peas and carrots.  And I had Taco Bell for the first time in years.

I don't think I'm pregnant.  We only had sex one day and the IUI was crap.  My hormones are probably very high, hence why I feel so awful.  As soon as I get AF then the sore boobs and nausea will go away.

I'm done TTC for awhile.  I don't have much choice anyways, but I am sick of being poked and prodded and all the doctors' appointments.  Even if we could do IVF in the next couple cycle I wouldn't in interested.  I'm tired of being that infertile.  The one that very much so wants a family for herself, her husband, and an addition to his family.  I feel like a failure for that.  And I feel like a failure for not being able to carry the one child we had to term.  Sometimes I honestly think certain people (family and friends) don't give a fuck about me because I don't have a child.  I'm less of a person, less of a "real" women because of my infertility.  I don't want to be this infertile anymore, I just want to be normal.  I've learned just because you have dreams doesn't mean they'll come true.

I've been working on buying somethings for Coral.  She doesn't need much, not like Loki did where we had to buy everything for a new dog.    I bought her some bows, and she needs a harness since I'm pretty sure we gave away Loki's puppy one he outgrew.  I'd do clothes just because she's cute and a girl, but dog clothes are expensive!  They also grow out of them within a matter of weeks at that age.  Not worth it.

Nibbler

My ferret Nibbler has been diagnosed with adrenal disease/cancer.  Not a big surprise for me since I often know their diagnosis before even go to the vet.  He has the typical hair loss starting at the tail and moving up the body.  Without treatment he'll become completely bald and eventually die.  That will still happen but at a slower pace now.  He had an hormonal implant about the size of rice or a microchip put into his neck.  He was awake for it and they said he didn't seem to feel a thing after getting distracted with ferret candy.  They put a little bit of glue on his neck just in case, but he seems fine.  Nibbler may will eventually need another one of these implants, maybe a couple, depending on how long he lives for.  His fur should start coming back and I'm hoping he gains some weight too.

-Selbe

7dpo

Trigger Shot 2dpt - 8dpt

I'm half way through my two week wait.  It's too early to tell if it worked or not.

Hormonally, I am pregnant.  Thanks to the trigger shot, which contains hCG hormone, same found in pregnancy.  I have been testing out my shot and right about now (8dpt) it should leave my system.  But my HPT do still have a faint line.  If I'm PG then: A. the line goes away and then comes back or B. the line never goes away but keeps getting darker.  I'm sure some of my symptoms are coming from the hCG injection.

Some things have been happening with my family that have been keeping me busy.  Nothing bad, just stuff that I can't post here for a little bit.  

Do I think I'm pregnant?

Yes - It's IUI, the sperm and egg are perfectly timed.  How could one not be PG?  I know a few people that got PG with their first IUI.  My boobs are not sore.  Nibbles a little perky, but boobs as a whole, nothing.  My boobs are always sore within a couple days of O.  Except the month I got my BFP, sore boobs didn't start 'til 11 or 12dpo.  This happened to my friend too.  Sore banger every month, except the month she got PG.  I was dizzy at the store tonight, really dizzy.  Maybe it happened a few other times too, but not as bad.  And lots of cramping down there.  It's feels like AF is coming and I even went running to the bathroom on the ferry the other day because I was so wet down there.  Today there is cramping too but it feels a little different, and more towards the right side.  I had a luteal phase dip in my BBT this morning.  I am pretty tired also.

No - You know I'm really not a lucky person.  The timing is too right in our life.  Sometimes people have to do IUI after IUI.  My acne is bad too.

-Selbe

Ovulation?

I'm going at ask for progesterone blood work for Friday morning.  I feel like crap, I think I really might of ovulated last Thursday.  I gave up on the OPKs and the Ovacue, it was CD43!  My boobs are slightly sore, back is in pain, head feel like I have a sinus infection (without the pain), snotty nose, dizzy, new zits all over the face, nauseous and the only thing I wanted to eat today was mint chocolate chip ice cream.  I don't even like that kind of ice cream!

It's been seven weeks since my D&C, still no period.  In fact my LMP is still mid-November.

My two week wait from December, day before I found out I was pregnant.

-Selbe

Five Stages of Loss - Month Two

Source

The five stages of loss, for two months after my miscarriage. 

1. Denial & Isolation - Denial, none.  It happened.  I still feel like a distance myself from those around me.  I really do try though.  This is my last month in this area and probably the last time I'll see many of my military friends.  So I do try to get out there for the last get togethers.  I know once I move I won't have that many friends for awhile, being new and all.

2. Anger - I feel much more calm now.  I'm still sad it happened, I wish my baby didn't have to die.  But I'm also not extremely angry at other pregnant women.  Every once and awhile I make a hateful remark but I feel less bitter overall than after my miscarriage and some days before I even got pregnant.  

3. Bargaining - None, again what am I even going to bargain for?  It's already done.

4. Depression - I still get out of bed every day.  I still go to work.  I still come home and feed and take care of the pets.  My miscarriage isn't affecting my day to day life.  I don't feel like I am depressed.  Sure I am sad.  Anyone who would say it wasn't a sad experience is a heartless bitch.  

5. Acceptance - I have accepted.

I have improved since last month.

Not caring about trying for a baby again has helped me heal.

Right after my miscarriage I wanted to try again and get pregnant again as soon as possible.  Then a couple posts back I mentioned I didn't care for TTC much anymore.  Don't get me wrong, I still want children and all.  However, the TTC effort has decreased a lot.  I am almost even afraid to get pregnant again.  Being pregnant doesn't mean 40 weeks and I bring a healthy baby home from the hospital, least not for me anymore.  Seeing those double lines automatically makes me think I'm going to relive this experience.  At any one of those ultrasounds my baby will now be dead, that I will have to go through a D&C and all the other testing I've had since.  Pregnancy will now never be the same for me.

This not really caring attitude has helped me a lot.  I almost asked a pregnant women at work when her due date was.  Then decided that was pushing it for me.  Another guest came to me with a container of those gummy prenatals vitamins.  I mentioned how much I love them (they really are good, I could eat the whole container in one sitting).  She told me they're good but she couldn't really take them 'til the afternoon, because "you know why".  I looked at her confused, I can take mine in the morning, night, whenever.  Sometimes several times a day.  Then I realized she actually takes them for pregnancy.  Odd that.  Then said my baby had died (bringing out the happy train) and that they have extra folic acid (good to take any time).  I didn't ask her due date ether.  She wasn't showing so it was probably close or after mine.  

Hearing about women that are close to my due date upsets me.

I overheard another conversation with a women saying her due date was August 26th, a day after mine.  Those are the ones I fear the most.  The ones due right around the same time as I was.  I'd be close to 17 weeks right now.  Wow that's a big number.  I would be finding out the sex soon.  I'd have a baby belly soon, if I didn't already.  I would have already bought maternity clothes.  I'd start feeling my baby move.  My pregnancy would be almost half over.  That's where I could have been.  That's not where I am though.  I need to let it go.  Sometimes it is hard though, seeing where I could have been put right in my face.  Sometimes by people that are ignorant and don't realize how lucky they have it.

My dizziness is getting better.

My pregnancy bloody nose has stopped, along with my dizziness.  I've been sick so I think my constant snotty nose as kept it from drying out.  Last week my ENT gave me stuff to lubricate (?) the inside of my nose to help.  I didn't think I would need it since it seems to be healed.  Until yesterday, it started bleeding again.  Shit.  Hopefully the dizziness won't come back with it.  So far all I've had is nausea this week.  And my blood pressure has dropped to 110/70 (it was kind of high the few weeks after the D&C).

-Selbe

Two Week Wait

Still waiting for AF.  It's currently CD32, 14dpo.  It should have came today, or tomorrow.  I keep checking the TP everytime I go to the bathroom.  Then with a Q-Tip, then check my cervix with my finger.  I don't see anything yet.  For the last five days I've felt a little menstrual cramping but nothing ever come from it.   

So my TWW symptoms (I'm just going to do down the list from the Countdown to Pregnancy website):  

Source

Bloating:  Sometimes I feel a little extra fat.  This is normal though.  6-9dpo

Gas:  It's bad sometimes, I feel bad when I go to work like that. I didn't eat anymore dairy than normal. This happens from time to time, but not usually day after day.  0dpo-8dpo 

Cramps:  Standard.  Probably just AF on her way.  9dpo-now

Ovulation Pains:  Two weeks ago.  0dpo

Backache:  Normal for me though.  6dpo-now

Sensitive, Big & Heavy Breast:  High progesterone?  Kind of normal-ish.  12dpo-now

Happy:  Not depressed, PMS or any mood swings.  0dpo-now

Stuffy Nose:  But I'm not sick?  Maybe allergies.  4dpo-now

Bleeding Nose:  When I blow it.  13dpo-now

Headache:  Happens with allergies.  Off and on.  0dpo-now

Dizzy:  If I move too much.  Maybe my ears of fucking with me.  4dpo-now

Exhaustion:  There is not enough time in the day to sleep.  I only work ~30 hrs a week now, not sure my problem.  Maybe just holiday season, or my allergies.  0dpo-now

Weird Dreams:  Yeah.  11dpo-now

Decreased Acne:  This is weird, I normally have more acne during 2WW. 0dpo-now

Increased Appetite:  Fucking starving.  3dpo-now

Nausea:  Off and on bouts.  Strong but only lasts 30 seconds to a couple minutes.  0dpo-now

But BFN this morning.  Why would it be any different?  Maybe I'm just getting sick.  Or just to tired from work, school and everything else it life that I'm starving and exhausted.  

I got my puppy last Sunday.  I'll have to make a post about it later.

-Selbe