Ultrasound Tomorrow

Tomorrow is the day for my CD12 ultrasound.  I'm trying not to think anything of it, no excitement, no being nervous.  My goals of pretty minimal, I just want so sort of response that is better than last cycle.  I need at least 1 follicle at 11mm or larger to show any type of improvement.  That follicle needs to be around 20mm (give or take a little) for me to trigger and have the IUI done.  My lining needs to be around 10mm (give or take) to be suitable for implantation. 

I haven't done much charting this cycle, I just can't stand doing it all anymore.  It is such a waste of time when I don't even attempt to ovulate.  No OPKs, no ferning, no checking the cervix and Ovacue and I are still not talking.  At least 'til I hear something tomorrow.  I have been doing BBT but that is a topic for another post.

-Selbe

Ovulation in the Future?

Fertility Friend

I'm moving into ovulation week, if I ovulate.  I've got all the predictors going: OPKs, BBT, Ovacue, saliva ferning, checking the cervix.  Not that I need all those I just would like to see which method lines up with ovulation best, for cycles I'm not monitored via ultrasound.

I bought a VIP membership to Fertility Friend.  It's the charting program I like most, for right now.  I like all the custom setting I can add and the colours.  I just wish they had an Ovacue setting, well other than the custom ones I made.

I can feel slight pain in my right ovary at night when I lay in bed.  Only at CD8 or CD9.  Maybe that ovary is doing something?  I'm not really a fan of my right ovary, well actually the scarred and tangled fallopian tube it is connected to.  It slightly worries me and I feel more comfortable ovulating from my left, just because the increased risk of an ectopic pregnancy.  Even with surgery they can't fix my tube, at least not in 2012.  If I ended up having an ectopic there is a chance I'd lose that tube all together.  Honestly I'm OK with that.  If it causes more harm than good I'd rather have it removed.  Yes, that ovary would be MIA for natural intercourse and IUI.  But I would still have the left fallopian tube, and I'm already heading straight towards IVF with two tubes or zero.  That doesn't change much.  Will have to see on Tuesday is the right ovary is the one with the dominate follicle.  Or maybe I just have a pissed off cyst.

I try not to get my hopes up too much since my record of ovulating even with Clomid is few and far between.  But at least I have a tiny chance with Clomid, vs trying out new herbal drugs, and then a different herbal drug in 30 days to induce AF when it fails to work.  I feel like I'm doing something slightly productive even if I have zero follicles in there.  

I think I chipped the enamel on one of my teeth.  I never have dental problems, not even a cavity before in my life.  It's not noticeable to anyone but I can feel that it's different.  I have an appointment with my new dentist on Monday so hopefully they can bond it, sand it or whatever they do for something like this. 

-Selbe

CD7-9

I saw a pregnancy announcement today from a friend from high school.  She and her wife are expecting.  Yes, two women.  I don't know how they did it.  If sperm got in the mix or really expensive fertility treatment, my knowledge is limited in that field.  I have nothing against someone being gay or bisexual.  And honestly I label myself as bi-curious.  However, it is kind of depressing the vagina & vagina figured it out before the penis & vagina (Bean & myself).  We look like failures now.  Really, how hard could it be?  Well congrats to them.

Source

My wait for ovulation is going OK.  I started ovulation predictor tests (OPK) today at CD10.  My Ovacue has yet to pick anything up, my number are really high though.  My basal body temperature (BBT) looks horrible (typical).  I've gotten more and more ferns with my saliva ferning.  And my cervix went from soft (period) to hard (before ovulation).  My stomach was so sick the last couple days.  I almost threw up last night.  And my acne has also gotten worse.  It feels like my estrogen (estradiol) is high.  I went looking for one of those female hormone charts and my estrogen would match up with what is normal.

I still have a lot of hope for this cycle though.

What If

What IF: A Portrait of Infertility

I really just wanted to get the surgery over with Thursday so I was kind of disappointed when they told me it was canceled.  I thought I could easily pass off as a non-sick person.  I tried my best not to look exhausted and snotty when I arrived at the surgery center.  They had me change and started hooking me up to the machines before they took my temperature. But in all honestly it was probably for the best.  I was feeling really crappy and I'm sure I would have been even worse post-surgery.  I didn't feel anywhere near ready.

I talked to work and they were able to change the schedule for the new surgery date.  Bean has to work so I don't know if he'll be able to come pick me up now.  If not I'm sure I could find at least one person in the area to come get me and drop me off at home.  My post-op appointment at the RE is now November 3rd. 

I'm still shocked I got AF all on my own.  Every once and awhile I mention my insides hurt, somewhere around my ovaries or uterus.  I usually just pass it off as sore insides from rough sex or sore muscles from the gym (honestly those are probably better assumptions).  I had this happen about two weeks ago, even thought it might be O pains but that's a silly thought and just forgot about it.  Same thing the last couple days.  Turns out those pains are menstrual cramps.

Still don't get how my body can't work with Clomid 50, 100 and 150mg, but all of a sudden do its job when I have nothing at all in my system.  Only thing I can think of is my Vitex worked.  I'm never really sure about herbal medicine.  I always figure if they really work then the drug companies would have found some way to market them by now.  I'm not really sure how that works.  Maybe I even ovulated?

So goals for the next few weeks:

• Lap Surgery (take two) - October 27th CD11
• Saliva Ferning (maybe) - CD7+
• OPK - CD12+
• Post-Op - November 3rd CD18

-Selbe

CD5

Having Hope (or Not)

Source

Every once and awhile someone tells me I have to have hope.  That's nice and all (and true for somethings).  But one thing I've learned with the last two unresponsive Clomid cycles, hope does not matter.  Round 4 @ 100mg ended with no ovulation.  Round 5 @ 150mg also looks like no ovulation.  It doesn't matter how much hope I have, or how much I've convinced myself the stars have lined up and this is it.  My ovaries do not see that.  With no eggs, there will be no pregnancy, and that's it.

Not saying I will give up on hope all together.  

I am emotionally drained.  I'm tired of the BBT, checking my cervix several times a day and saliva ferning.  I'm most sick of the ovulation predictor tests (OPKs), the fact I can't aim for the cup to save my life, and that they are ALL negative.  I've seen about 50 negative ones in the last two cycles.  Second I'm tired of all the meds.  I now have a pill case so I remember to take them all each day.  But it is already full with fertility meds, vitamins, allergy meds and any other herb that promises to fix something wrong with me.  I'm tired of taking all these things because I really don't see any of these things actually working (well except for the allergy stuff).  Then there is the side effects (fertility drugs).  I'm tired of timed intercourse, AKA forced sex.  Sure sex is fun and all, but when you feel you need to have it at certain intervals and not just when your horny, well it gets old... quick.  Sometimes I look up at Bean and wish he would just cum, as bad as that sounds.  Of course there is also the hope I do give myself each cycle which has resulted in nothing.  The hope I have the first two weeks that I might actually ovulate this cycle, or the hope in the two weeks following that I might be PG.  Then the disappointment after when you realize it didn't happen, and then do that over and over again.  

I'm not sure what I'm going to do.  Half of me wants to give up and just let my body be as it is.  "Let God take it into his hand."  Just remove all meds and let AF come and go as it wishes, and without all the extra stress.  Maybe my body will "fix" itself (though I honestly don't believe this).  But I'm not one to give up.  The other half of me want to go forward with fertility treatment.  Whatever I do, THIS is not working.  As in Provera, Clomid, Provera, Clomid...  

The other part of my frustration is I don't actually understand what is wrong with me.  I don't have a 100% diagnoses.  I don't fit into a certain category.  I don't understand how I ended up this way.  What inside my body went wrong?  Maybe I have a much more severe case of PCOS than they think?

My OBGYN will not prescribe Clomid past 150mg.  A lot of GYN and RE are like that, although I've heard some will go as high as 250mg.  I'm pretty cool with never taking Clomid ever again in my life.  So I switch to Femara or get kicked out and sent to an RE.  Not really sure what the RE will do with me.  

I'm not really heartbroken that this is another anovulatory cycle.  But more disappointed.  I mean I was already on my way to the RE anyways, so that doesn't change anything.  Already dragging my raisin ovaries with me ether way.  

Sometimes I tell people I could cut my ovaries out and replace them with tennis balls and they would do the same thing.  That's a little true.  Tennis balls don't produce hormones (although I don't think my ovaries do most the time ether).  Sometimes I think there are 45 year old women that are more fertile than me.  Ok that one is true, and sad.  

PS I found this article about anovulatory cycles:  What Is An Anovulatory Cycle, What Causes It And How To Prevent It?

CD18, -OPK (whatever...)

Unsure

I just don't feel anything this cycle.  Maybe it's just the mindset I'm in, or the fact I didn't have much hope even from the beginning of the cycle.  Maybe I somehow cursed it into not working from the start.  But I don't feel like my body is doing anything.

My saliva ferning has been going crazy since I O'ed last cycle.  All through my 2ww, AF and up until now.  I'm not sure what that means besides that I have a lot of Estrogen in my system.  My cervix was soft all week, but now has gone back to being firm again.  It's currently CD14.  My first AO (anovulatory) cycle that I tracked it went from soft to firm over and over again so that concerns me.  My OPKs are still really light too.  Those are my biggest worries.  That and I don't feel anything like cramps.  So I'm worried this will be another AO cycle.

I'm also worried because this is my third cycle on Clomid.  If I do the standard six cycles this means I am already half done and I feel like I've only made a tiny step forward.

I'm unsure about my doctor.  He seems nice and does whatever I ask for the most part.  But every pregnant women I know also goes to that office.  It's just a standard OBGYN and they can only do so much for me.  Any blood work or ultrasounds I need I am sent to the hospital next door since they can't do those things in-house.  I think I have moved to the point of needed an RE instead, especially if this cycle is AO.  I'd love to have the mid-cycle U/S to see if these ovaries are actually doing anything.

I threw two forks at a wall last night (no damage) after getting pissed at Bean.  Then I cried with my irrational thoughts for an hour before falling asleep.  I woke up this morning and also cried in fear of an AO cycle.  I'm trying to pull it together for a friend's baby shower this afternoon.  I know it's supposed to be a happy time for her but I also don't want to be a crying, snotty mess.  And I'd prefer not to show up intoxicated.

CD14, OPK-

Infertile Myrtle

My new shipment of OPKs (digital Clearblue and cheap ones) arrived from Amazon today.  It's kind of depressing.  I look at them and all I can think is how I have to spend another week+ peeing all over my hand.  Honestly 90% of the time I miss those little cups (which are actually leftover jello shot cups) and piss on my hand instead.  I should just buy wider cups.

Of course who doesn't own a tube of Pre-seed, the "sperm friendly" lubricant.  Not that I ever need lube but with Clomid I'm told my CM (cervical mucus) is decreased so I need to make my vagina a friendly place for my husband's sperm (who probably just swim in circles anyways.)  The most interesting part is filling the applicators with the lube, which is a really thick gel.  Then inserting it so it's nice and close to my cervix.  I'm supposed to wait 15 minutes before BDing, but we never do.  I'm impatient. Bean says it make things all "warm" inside.  I don't notice a difference though.

My saliva ferning microscope is pretty cool (the lipstick looking thing).  It sounds kind of gross sticking your saliva on a lens, waiting for it to dry and then staring at it.  But compared to urinating all over my hand or shoving my fingers in my vagina to check to see how soft/hard my cervix is, or playing with my own CM to see how stretchy it is, saliva ferning is pretty low maintenance.  So we get along well.

Softcups

The purple things are Instead Softcups.  They are actually menstrual cups but used for TTC too.  They keep the swimmers close to the cervix.  I tried them a few times for AF.  The longest I've been able to keep them in without leaking is 6 hours (they are made for up to 12 hours.)  And removing them ends in a huge mess since I tend to "dump" it before it's even out of me.  But I'm going to keep trying.

I also want to try Mucinex or Robitussin since it helps with CM.  

Yay! (with some sarcasm)

PS My Clomid anger is beginning.  I apologize in advance for my depressed mood and any insults I might make.

CD5

AF is a Bitch

That pretty much sums it up.  Oddly I'm still in a decent mood... today.  I start my third round of Clomid on Tuesday.  And a new shipment of OPK & HPT are coming from Amazon.  

So here's May's BBT (basal body temperature) chart:

Provera 10mg for 10 days (AF started on the 6th day) and then Clomid 100mg days 3-7.  O (ovulated) on CD16.  I gave up on BBT.  I guess a positive is that I got AF all on my own without meds birth control.  Only thing I don't understand is we BD'ed all three days before O and on it. :/

January is a pretty shitty month to be born in anyways (I should know).  February will be better.

CD2

Lost Bet

A few weeks ago during Cinco de Mayo my drunk husband bet me $100 that I'd get pregnant this cycle.  I picked the date May 21st, CD28 for me.  Sounded like a good date since I really didn't expect to ovulate and the chances of actually getting PG (and find out by CD28) were pretty slim.  I think this is the only bet I have ever been sad to win.  

I'm currently 12dpo with all BFN.  If there was implantation I'm thinking 8dpo guessing by the increased pain on the left side.  I had a brown tint to my cervical mucus today, maybe AF is starting.  I guess she is due Monday (14 days) but I have no idea how long my standard luteal phase (LP) is since I usually don't O.  The cramping started back up at 8dpo and hasn't stopped yet.  My nipples (but not breasts) are still sensitive and hard.  Still lot of CM and acne.  I'm nauseous everyday but it was like that last month too, probably a Clomid thing.  My saliva has begun ferning again, kind of confused there.

PS Yay my classes are done for the semester, I'm free!

CD28, 12dpo, HPT-

There's Saliva Ferning!

Source

I bought this saliva ferning kit last cycle.  By the time I used it at CD17 (I think) there was only one little fern way off to the side.  The days that followed had zero ferns.  Maybe I used it too late, or I'm completely screwed up.

So I decide to try it again this cycle.  I've been using it for the past week and day after day there have been zero ferns.  But Thursday (CD13) there were tons of them!  Today too!  I'm really excited about my little ferns.  I'd take a picture of them if I could figure out how to.  All my OPKs, both brands, are still negative.  But I feel I've made some progress on attempting to O.  

CD15, OPK-