You Don't Want a Baby

Some days I'm not sure if this pisses me off or amuses me.  Here's a bunch of military wives on the topic of "I want a baby." 

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Some lessons to learn from this:

1. Stress isn't going to cure low sperm count, deformed, non-swimming sperm.  It will not cure the lack of ovulation from PCOS.  It will not cure Endo.  It will not open up your tubes.  And if you had to have your uterus removed due to cancer, it's not going to grow back it.  Let me know if I left anyone out.  
2. Don't fucking complain.
3. Don't try and pawn off your kids to someone else.  I know you're trying to be funny and not actually putting them up for adoption.  It's hurtful saying "take mine hehe, oh never mind, just kidding" to someone that can't have children.
4. Don't even tell someone who has been TTC for over two years and had I miscarriage that they really don't want children.  Especially after everything myself any other women like me have all been through.
5. Think before you speak.  

One of these days I'm going to ask on this group what is the best way to get pregnant quick.  Or something along those lines.  And then post it because I'm sure some of those answers will be "helpful"

-Selbe

The Due Date

For months I dreaded my upcoming due date for my miscarriage.  But the day went fine without any tears.  Ever since I started spotting this cycle I began crying.  You are not out 'til AF is in full force so a little spotting could be implantation bleeding.  However, I still prepared myself for the worst.  It was a cry fest with all the typical first IUI feelings of why didn't it work mixed with sadness of why I miscarried.  I always thought of that baby as a miracle with it being an unmedicated cycle and I found out a week before Christmas.  Time went on and I haven't gotten PG since so I still see that as my miracle baby.  I've never been given anything different.  Often I wonder if that is it for me.  Was that my one and only child?  That's why I celebrate that baby more than other women that had a miscarriage after an opps PG or short time TTC.

I am grateful for all the friends that wrote on my Facebook wall Saturday.  I didn't expect so many people to remember.  Well I think FB kind of posts it with those whole Life Events things.  Ether way I was pleased.  No family said anything though, which always kind of hurts.  They don't really understand me or anything I'm going through.  I know once I get PG again they'll be happy and congratulate me.  But what about now?  What about this baby?

I got balloons the day before for a balloon release.  It's part of my fault I didn't get the special chemicals put into them because they didn't last long at all.  Next morning they were laying on my living room floor.  Great!  I took Loki to the dog park and picked up another balloon on the way home.

The balloon went up in the air with no tears.

That night I got on the ferry to Seattle and photographed the new Great Wheel ferris wheel.  

While riding over I listened to an Air Forces vet tell his whole live story about almost dying twice, his military days, and how he adopted two children from Vietnam.  They were visiting from Florida but killing a couple days in Seattle before going on a cruise to Alaska.  At the end of all this he asked, "What can you do with what you've got?"  

-Selbe

Being Happy After Everything

Happy and Sad cookies from a
bakery down the road from
my house.

Being Happy 

I've been pretty happy lately.

Not sure what it is.  My break from TTC?  Or realizing I'm no longer in the race to get pregnant by my due date?  Maybe  the Metformin affecting my mood?  Or the fact I actually remembered to take my vitamin D supplements (I'm deficient BTW)?  Or my running?  A few of those things are supposed to help with depression.

I wouldn't say I'm depressed though, or ever was.  I am lazy and mope around sometimes, and I do cry.  But given everything I've gone through in the last couple months I'm doing pretty well.  

My husband's work schedule has been far from ideal lately but I seem to be the only wife not complaining about it.  I admit it does suck he has to work long hours, even on the weekends.  But I find other things to do.  

With everything I am happy and content.  

Approaching Due Date

I mentioned before my due date is coming up at the end of August.  My original hope was to get pregnant again by then.  I mean it was nine months away, that's a LONG time.  And everyone always says you're more fertile after a miscarriage.  (I fucking hate this too.)  And I know SO MANY people that have gotten pregnant a month or three later.  (Most of them don't have PCOS and another other fertility problems.)  

Back in January getting pregnant by August 25th seemed easy.  It's like 7 months off.  My due date would be way easier emotionally if I knew I had another baby on the way.  And then it was 5 months off.  Plenty of time!  Then 3 months off.  Still doable.  And now...

It isn't going to happen.  And I'm OK with it.

Back when my last IUI got canceled I counted the days.  Days 'til I could take Provera.  Days 'til I'd get my period.  Days 'til I ovulate at the earliest.  Days of my two week wait.  Even if everything goes down to plan I still will not be pregnant by my due date.  

I've made other plans for the day now.

Food Aversion

Every since about April I have been having problems with food aversion, especially meat.  In the past I mention I don't eat cow.  It's not that I feel bad for little moo moo, it's that hamburgers and steaks don't taste good to me.  And over the last 15 years they kind of look gross too.  I do eat chicken, turkey and pig though.  Well that was 'til a couple months ago.  Those sound gross to me too now.  Bean has tried chicken in all forms, grilled, fried, mixed with other things.  Sometimes I'll eat it, most of the time I will not.  Turkey I wont really touch ether, and I haven't even attempted Wilbur. 

I would say it's my prego hormones, if I was pregnant.  I just figure it is all my other hormones out of whack.  I have been trying to find protein in other forms now.

We were buying some organic products in NH, and even more here since it's more available.  I'm not a hardcore organic eater, if I want raspberries and they only have the regular version then I'm still going to get raspberries.  But if the organic is there I'll grab that instead.  Only thing is they tend to cost a lot more.  Same goes for gluten-free products.  I hear organic and glute-free are better for fertility anyways.  For meals there is a lot more food made at home verses in a restaurant.  And what is made at home is much more from scratch.  Mainly Bean cooking because I am a horrible cook.  

Thank You Met!

My Metformin side effects this week = way less.  No nausea at all.  Woo hoo!  Now I just have to remember to eat three meals a day so I can take all three pills.

Deleting Spree

I went on a Facebook friends deleting spree the other day.  Mostly people I went to high school with, not even sure why I'm their "friend" anyways since we didn't talk that much back then.  I don't comment on any of their stuff, they don't comment on any of mine.  I really only keep them on there to look at their pictures from time to time.  You know the usually, make sure they are worse off than me, and make sure they got fatter than me.  The stuff that makes you feel better about yourself.  Well it's time to move on, it's been nine years since I graduated and about 3,000 miles.  We no longer have anything in common.  I still have a bunch more people to go though though.  

Tips For Upcoming Appointments

Before going to your OGBYN or RE appointment write down a list of questions you have, and maybe a set treatment you would like to look into.  That way you get the most out of your appointment.  And don't get down the road and suddenly remember something you forgot to ask about.  

-Selbe

Long Walks

Bean and I (and the dog) went to visit some local parks today.  We wanted to go hiking but didn't wake up early enough to drive out there, hike the 8 mi (13 km) and get back before dark.  (We like to sleep in around here.)

I got a new camera last week, Samsung MV800.  I have a lot of cameras.  Normally I use a Pentax K-5 or just my iPhone.  I have a Pentax W80 I use from time to time also.  They all have things I love about them, and things I hate about them.  So it really depends on my mood and what I'm photographing.  

Clomid

My first day of Clomid went well.  No side effects except peeing a lot.  But I usually don't have side effects 'til my last couple pills or after I'm done with them all together (Thursday).  Puppy even sat in front of me as I was getting them out today.  He begs for anything that resembles food.  It's amazing how quick he ass hits the floor when you have a "treat".  He learned that sit = treat.  So now it sits, and sometimes stands back up and sits back down over and over again, just incase I missed it.  Odd thing is he only eats about 3% of the food I actually give him.  He still begs though, even with stuff like blueberries and Clomid.   

(PS the dog didn't get fertility drugs...)

Goals for This Cycle

Yup, I have more of them.

• Don't post anything negative on here 'til CD1. - This goes for depressing thoughts about my fertility, miscarriage and making fun of fertile women that give advice without actually knowing what they are talking about to begin with.  And no angry doctors posts.
• "Remember 100 worked before, and with the trigger it's different.  There is hope." - I was feeling down today so I wrote that on my phone so I could keep looking at it.  I keep thinking Clomid, been there done that.  (I did up to 150mg last year but was unresponsive.)  So I've been far from enthused about my sixth round of the drug.  But 100mg did work for 2 (out of the 3) cycles I took it last spring.  And I'll have monitoring now, and the trigger to release my eggs, and sperm pumped in my uterus.  So it will be different this time (I hope).
• Don't worry. - About my upcoming IUI, or the fear of losing baby in the future due to my cervix.  Today can't fix the future.
• I want to run/walk every other day, then just walk during my TWW. - I hear it's healthy, or something.   
• I want to paint pottery or something else really creative at least once a week. - For my mind.
• I want to try and get out more and less time sitting home. - Going to the store doesn't count.
• I want to try and get around to commenting on more TTC blogs. - I tend to slack at that sometimes.
• I need to stay away from some Facebook groups, and spend more time on others.  Also, less time newsfeed stalking Facebook.
• Spend more time on Baby Center groups. - The IUI and Clomid on, not the March/April 2013 group.  Stay away from the due date groups if you have struggled with any type of infertility or ever had any type of pregnancy loss. 
• I need to stop hiding so much behind my infertility and come out more about it. - I want to be there to support for those that are in the same situation, or for those that are just starting out and looking for information about infertility, PCOS or even cervical dysplasia.  Last week I opened up the Chalkboard Project to about 1/4 of my friend and family on Facebook that know what I going through.  I hope to eventually get brave enough to open it to 100%.

Fifty Followers

I officially have 50 followers on this blog.  Not sure if that is good or bad but the number is slowly going up over time.  

Thankful for Bean

I'm so thankful for my husband someday.  He goes along with this idea and doesn't ever question it (well once right before surgery #1 but that was decades ago now).  He given multiple "samples" for semen analysis.  And then drives the hours one way to jerk off some more for cryopreservation.  I know it's not easy doing your business in the strange room with people walking around outside.  He calls up without hesitation to check on the results.  

(PS One vial last week!  We currently have two frozen, enough for two IUIs without him here.)

He's also great with the appointments also.  I know he can't go to 100% of them.  When he's on a "business trip" he's gone for months on end and far far away from here.  When he's home the hours are long, sometimes working 6-7 days a week.  He tries to get away from work to go but I know he can't always.  Some appointments are not that important anyways.  Sometimes there are several a week and I don't even know how I remember them all.

But he did go to all four of the baby ultrasounds.  He went to the post-op and planning appointments.  He got the time off for all four times I went to the surgery center, sat with me, filled my medication, drove me home (sometimes while I threw up in the car), feed me and tucked me in.  

He's also dealt with any mood swings I've had thanks to these drugs.  And my nausea by driving to the nearest gas station to get me ginger ale.

(For those that know me in real life, you already know what my husband does for a living.  I've mentioned it briefly on here, but he has recently been sent somewhere new.  It is military.  I can not post any dates, locations, or what department he is assigned to.  I actually can not even give this information out to family.  Like in the past, we'll call it "business trips".  Thanks for understanding.)

-Selbe

Start of a New Cycle

Flood gates have opened.  I'll be starting Clomid 100mg tomorrow morning.  Although my track record with Clomid isn't all that great, I have the tinniest bit of excitement about it and the upcoming cycle.  

I have not posted because I haven't been feeling all that great lately.  Kind of been in a pissed off PMS mood and figured I wouldn't have anything nice to say anyways.  The TTC groups have been depressing lately, lots of babies lost this week and on a few of the blogs here.  Though I do wish to be there for them, for my sanity I need to step away.  Especially with my IUI and due date coming up.

Last post was pretty fucking depressing.  I wrote it in bed one night at 4am because I couldn't fall asleep.  I cried through half of it.  Even though it was the product of a snotty mess, I did feel better after a wrote it.  

Target

I lost my job last week.  Well I didn't lose it like I got fired, I just didn't get transferred by the deadline date.  I'm rehirable and all I have to do if fill out some forms and I'll get my old job back.

                                        

Target-2530

I talked about my job many times over the past year, but never mentioned the actual company.  The company was always good to me so I never wanted to bash it nor didn't want anyone from my "fan club" to come looking for me.  I worked for Target.  For those of you that do not know Target is a large retail store in the United States and now Canada.  They have a baby section, cribs all the way down newborn clothes.  That's where I got all my wonderful stories over the past year.

I'm contemplating going through with the rehire.  My doctor's appointment are so often, sometimes with a couple days notice.  Even if I did get pregnant I would have to leave at 4 weeks anyways.

I did go and change my Target baby registry from August 25, 2012 to August 25, 2013.  I spent long hours working on that.  I'm not going to let it go to waste!

Goals for Next Pregnancy

Just thoughts, nothing I've 100% decided on.

• No baby shower 'til after the baby is born.  Maybe a Welcome Baby party is better. - Baby shower games are stupid.
• One of those 3D ultrasounds ASAP. - Not sure the earliest one is done, just a regular 3D, not a gender one.
• Maternity photos as soon as my stomach starts looking like more baby, less like fat. - And later on also, I want to remember.
• Announce pregnancy early. - Still on the fence.  But I want to be PG as long as possible, and I already know the pros and cons if my baby doesn't make it.
• I'm not going to mention every single fucking that I'm pregnant on Facebook.  I'm sure the really important people in my life have figured it out by the 1st or 2nd status update.  I don't know why anyone would mention it everyday, incase the news didn't get to everyone?  - This one is 100%, those people get blocked on in my newsfeed.  And I know what hurt feels like now.

These are for my fear of not having a take home baby.

Goals for This Cycle

• Ovulate one egg.

I don't ask for much with ether ovaries.  It doesn't need to be more than one.  I don't even need to get pregnant.  I just want one egg matured and released.  Baby steps.  This was also the goal of my December cycle.  Which seemed to work.

Enlarge

I saw these question fly past me on one of the military wives groups I'm a part of.When is the earliest you can take a HPT?  Out of 30 or 40 responses only about three got it right.  Or maybe even understood the question.  I then got in a conversation with the poster about irregular cycles, tracking ovulation, PCOS and added her to the military wives that are TTC group.

-Selbe

World in the Eyes of Fertiles & Infertiles

I saw this story shared on Facebook: Mother Drives With 5-Week-Old on Top of Car.  She was under the influence of drugs so that's a good excuse for forgetting the baby on the roof and driving off.  *sigh*

---

It's been awhile since I posted one of these Fertiles vs Infertiles.  Last one was in January for my pregnancy week-by-week checklist.

	How Fertiles Think:	How Infertiles Think:
	Someone who gets pregnant with no medical intervention AND carries to term.	The rest of us.
Infertility	Rare, not common.  Comes with questions like: "Have you tired this drug/diet/product/etc?", "Someone I know who knows this person did _ & got pregnant", "Are you sure you're doing it right?" or some comment about God.	Welcome! Endo, PCOS, thyroid, unexplained?  Who cares you are one of us!  What procedures, surgeries, or meds have you done?  Starts sharing stories.
Fertiles	[insert some talk about baby showers, gender ultrasounds, strollers, baby food]	Naive.  The stuff they say with their lack of knowledge is even funny at time.  Always happy.
Singleton Pregnancy	Common, everyone can have one easily.	Amazing, our goal.
Twins	That's pretty cool.	Very common, almost desired.
Triples	Amazing.	Can be common, exciting, a lot of money/work.
4, 5, 6...	OMG!  Lucky almost.	Umm, there's a problem.
Miscarriage	Rare.  Missed miscarriage doesn't exist.  You know when your baby dies because you'll be gushing blood everywhere.	Common, most of us have had several.
Painful Testing	Comes with whining & a FB status post (or two).	Suck it up, it's life.
Giving Birth	Pain!  Worried about.	Whatever!  Who cares anymore?  I have more important things to worry about.
Hoping labour comes early so I can...	... be more comfortable.  I'm in pain & can't sleep.	... hold my baby in my arms & make sure s/he's alive.
Fertility Treatment	Needle.  Multiples.  [insert a comment about Jon & Kate Plus 8]	Everyday practice for many of us.
Baby Departments at the store	Shopping there often, look at all this cute stuff!	I refuse to even look.
Baby Shower	Cake, decorations, all the stuff people will buy for my baby.	Meh...
Cervix	Probably the same thing as your ovaries, or "You touch that thing?"	High up in vagina, feels like a donut.  Soft when fertile, hard when not.  Gate keeper to womb.
Ovaries	Probably the same as the cervix.  They are interchangeable.	Follicle size needs to be around 20mm when triggering.
Grass is Greener for:	Infertiles.  They have all that money since they don't have to buy diapers.  So lucky to go on cruises & buy new cars.  I'm just stuck here with a screaming baby.	Fertiles.  They have free babies without shelling out a lot of money on fertility treatment.  Though it may not be easy at times, they get to watch their children grow.
Baby #2	Going to get pregnant September 2013.	If it's not a twin from #1 then the thought doesn't exist.
Semen Analysis	Eww your husband jerks off in "public"?	My favorite appointments because they are easy & I'm not getting stuck with needles or the internal ultrasound.
Ultrasound	you have to drink a lot of water... you're fully dressed... they put this gel on your stomach... then you get to bring home all these photos	I pee three minutes before my U/S... "Fully dressed" meaning my nips are not out?  Because the last seven I've had my pants are off & vajayjay out for the world to see  ... WTF is this gel shit?  And they are NOT touching my stomach.  The ultrasound is on my uterus, not stomach... There are no photos.
Fights with the daddy daddy	Complains on FB.  Threatens to leave him & have abortion.  < OK, this doesn't always happen.  But pretty amusing when I see it in my newsfeed.	Locks myself in a separate room for an hour or two until I calm down.  Then offers to buy Taco Bell for dinner.
Adoption	For infertile women & people that like chinese babies.  Free & easy to get. Thousands of newborn babies just waiting for homes today!	Possibility.  Need to accept the child might not look like me.  A lot of paperwork & costing 15-60k.  Newborns are rare.  It's not any cheaper to adopt from over countries with travel expenses.  Best bet is to adopt older children.  Might have health problems and/or comes in groups with over siblings.
OPKs	Use phone app or other online program to tell when I've ovulating.  Free!	Please no more!  Just monitor me with ultrasounds.
Sore Boobs (or any other PG symptom)	Preggo!	Fucking progesterone.
Ovulation	If you're a women you have to ovulate.	That has happened a few times in my life.
D&C	For abortion.	For when the baby you tried so hard for dies.
Irregular Cycles	Being 3 or 5 days late.	Being 3 or 5 months late.
TTC for a Long Time	3 months	Over a year
TTC for a Really Long Time	4 months	3 years
FMU	Fuck My Uggs	First Morning Urine
Acronyms	WTF?	LMP 4.1.12 CD64 HPT & BW BFN - no AF since MC Vitex #3, waiting for IUI/Clomid/Ovidrel
	Fertiles see infertiles as bitter & cruel.  Better than them almost.	Infertiles see fertiles as naive & lacking basic pregnancy knowledge.

-Selbe

The Things People Say

Pap Smear

Myself, because I don't
post many photos of me.

I have another appointment on the 17th (I think) for a basic pap smear.  It's with my primary doctor (PCM) because my insurance doesn't let me see a OBGYN for that.  Pap smears are easy for me, especially after everything else I've had done.  It's the PCM part that scares me.  The last one didn't know what she was doing, couldn't find my cervix (yeah, I know) and ended up shoving her fingers into it.  You'd figure because the doctor is a women and had those parts that she'd know what gentle means.

Me:  "I have really bad menstrual cramps."

Female Dr: "Yeah that's normal."

Me:  "No, they are REALLY bad."

Female Dr:  "Yup, normal."

Me:  "I haven't gotten my period in three months."

Female Dr: "Normal."

Me:  "I THINK THERE IS SOMETHING FUCKING WRONG WITH ME."

They also don't listen.  I like male doctors better. 

Shaking My Head

Sometimes people send me message or post comments on Facebook that all I can do is shake my head.  I thought I'd bundle up a few of them to share.

Example 1

Example 1 sent me a Facebook message congratulating on my pregnancy, four month AFTER my miscarriage.  Thanks but yeah... She saw my ultrasound photos from January, the ones that mention D&C and where everyone commented saying they were sorry.  

Example 2

Example 2 was a comment from a family friend.  I'm not sure if she is talking about OPKs, saliva ferning or she's just confused.  Probably the last one.  I'm going to assume OPKs.  I've used them once or twice (ha!).  See there is something called PCOS.  My ovaries do pretty much fucking nothing every day of their life.  It doesn't matter how many of those strips I piss on, if I don't ovulate there is no "right time".  No eggs, no babies.  Got it?  Taking away "pop" might work.  We don't normally have "bears" walking around unless you count the dog, good there.  No alcohol would probably help.  Tight underwear, ha!  I make sure there are no tighty whities in this house!  I wonder how long someone has to trying to believe these little "tips" really work.  Two, maybe three, months?

Example 3

Example 3 was left on this post for me.  So I generally blog about my our infertility and pregnancy loss.  I'm sorry I couldn't make it sound happier.  It's not really a happy topic to talk about.

• "Yes!  More nausea today.  All this throwing up is going to make me lose weight."
• "The rage from these fertility drugs is great.  I love telling people what I really think of them."
• "I love throw and destroy things during rage, it shows the durablity of items.  Except this calendar.  I didn't really like those landscape scenes anyways."
• "Transvaginal utlrasound today!  It's like using a dildo that doesn't move?"
• "More bloodwork = awesome bandaid wrap thing!"
• "So glad my baby's heart stopped, now I don't have to be pregnant in the summer."
• "I didn't want a January baby anyways."
• "I love that fertility treatment costs so much.  I mean what else could I spend me money on?"
• "Welfare is great because it's like a have millions of kids that I pay for, but I don't ever have to deal with their crying!"

There you go.  There is your positive blog of an infertile women who lost her baby.  

-Selbe

CD7-9

I saw a pregnancy announcement today from a friend from high school.  She and her wife are expecting.  Yes, two women.  I don't know how they did it.  If sperm got in the mix or really expensive fertility treatment, my knowledge is limited in that field.  I have nothing against someone being gay or bisexual.  And honestly I label myself as bi-curious.  However, it is kind of depressing the vagina & vagina figured it out before the penis & vagina (Bean & myself).  We look like failures now.  Really, how hard could it be?  Well congrats to them.

Source

My wait for ovulation is going OK.  I started ovulation predictor tests (OPK) today at CD10.  My Ovacue has yet to pick anything up, my number are really high though.  My basal body temperature (BBT) looks horrible (typical).  I've gotten more and more ferns with my saliva ferning.  And my cervix went from soft (period) to hard (before ovulation).  My stomach was so sick the last couple days.  I almost threw up last night.  And my acne has also gotten worse.  It feels like my estrogen (estradiol) is high.  I went looking for one of those female hormone charts and my estrogen would match up with what is normal.

I still have a lot of hope for this cycle though.

More Than One & CD2

My cramps are super bad today.  I took Midol and used a heat pack.  It makes it hard for me to stand around and pack all day.

April Fools

I mentioned yesterday how I am not hurt by fake pregnancy announcements on April Fools day.  I don't think they are funny or original, but I tolerate them.  However, I did see posts by other infertile women and in a few of the TTC groups I'm a member of annoyed with it.  This post was in my newsfeed, the only status update sticking up for infertility.  A few comments down I saw this:

"Well people like to fake a pregnancy but they're jinxing themselves.  I will not fake a pregnancy, I have four kids and pregnancy is rough.  So I am not messing with karma." 

CD1

Cycle Day:  1

Ovulation Day:  4/16/2010 (Guess) (Pretty Sure)

DPO:  X (N/A - No Ovulation Yet)

Due Date:  1/6/2013

HPT:  (N/A - Too Early)   (Negative)

Love April Already

CD1, at least I think right now.

After getting pregnant in December, miscarrying, having a D&C, waiting two months, being induced with Provera and having a Hysteroscopy, I've finally got my period.  Well heavy spotting.  

Yes I'm actually excited for AF.  I've waiting too long and just want to TTC again.  

My uterus hurts, it's ok though.  I don't mind.  Bittersweet, like an infertile getting pregnant and having morning sickness.  Bean and I took the dog for a long walk this morning to try and get it to drop more.  

I am VERY excited for this upcoming cycle.  And Bean will be home every day of it.

Lots of Cramps

I'm not sure if my current cramping is from my surgery last week or a Provera induced period that is on it's way.  My days off I'm fine.  But if I'm at work standing all day then it hurts.  It hurts to put pressure on it too.  And I feel pulling or movement like when I was pregnant.  Yet my body doesn't do anything else!

It was way easier to stay pregnant.  That's what I concluded after a bunch of blood work and two surgeries.  And feeling like my uterus might fall out.  I don't blame it though, I'd run away too after everything I've put it through.  

I ended up crying to the dog last night, and telling him what a miserable failure I am because I can't carry a baby for 40 weeks.  Seems like everyone else has figured it out just fine.  This was the first time in a long while I cried about my miscarriage.  

Maybe I'm having some form of PMS.  I've been moody and depressed the last couple days.  And my acne hasn't been this bad in a long time.

Attack of the Giant Maxi Pads

Giant maxi pads are unsexy.

This was inspired by Bébé Suisse's post.

I don't normally wear pads.  They are thick (well getting thinner), and long like a giant diaper.  I can't wear the normal short ones because I bleed out the front or the back each time I've used them.  Not sure if it's me or if I'm not supposed to move in them or something.  They are uncool and I can't wear them with a thong.  And I'm still worried people can see my pad outline by looking at my butt, yes I thought I'd outgrow this too.  They are avoid at all cost.

Drop Rating System

I finally got rid of them all right before I got pregnant, prefect timing.  Then I lost my baby.  I was stuck going to Wal-Mart to find some sort of giant pad for this problem.  It's not like a can stick a tampon in there and come back 8 hours later.  I'm going to A. miscarry at home, where the baby and everything baby related is going to fall out of me, or B. I'll have a D&C, and then I can't stick anything inside me for awhile anyways so pads are the only option. 

I walked up and down the aisle looking at all the options.  I've heard the horror story of gushing blood and baby parts everywhere.  What would be the best pad since it's like like they market ones just for this.

(After my D&C it never ended up being that bad, so I was OK.)

I got to the checkout and the cashier started talking about the product I choose and whether I liked it.  I responded with some quick answer.  And then she went on and on about the product.  I stopped listening.

What I wanted to say:  "I have a dead baby inside of me and I'm only buying this product because I'm in the middle of a miscarriage and I really hope to get knocked up again soon after this so I never have to use the product again."

I know the friendly Wal-Mart cashier doesn't want to hear this.  I just move along.

The current dose of medication:

• Provera 10mg - 1x day (I think for three more days, to induce my period, medically) 
• Vitex 400mg - 3x a day = 1200mg (forever pretty much, to level out my hormones)
• Vitamin C 500mg - 4 at a time, 3x a day = 6000mg (two or three more days, to induce my period, herbally)

Do I have a say even if I'm not a mother, or haven't been pregnant for 40 weeks?

I saw this conversation on Facebook the other day.  Nothing against the person who posted it, conversations like this happen all the time.  As infertile women (with no children), do we even have a say when it comes to parenting and pregnancy?  Because we are not a mother are we just expected to keep quiet?  Sometimes I do feel odd when I'm put in conversations with people that talk about their pregnancy and a new baby.  What do you really want me to say?  And is what I say really taken seriously?

Here's a shocker:  Being infertile for 3 years makes you much more knowledgeable about conception and pregnancy than one might think.

Please don't tell me to try ovulation predictor kits, or have some certain tests.  I've had more things shoveled up my vagina, peed on more tests, and swallowed more combinations of pills that you'd ever know.  And if I haven't had said test, procedure or taken a certain medication it's probably because it cost a lot more money they you think it does.  And no, my insurance does not cover it.  

-Selbe

New Fertility Monitor

I bought myself a new toy.  I went with the OvaCue Fertility Monitor, oral and vaginal.  It was expensive, $330!  But I am SO sick of OPKs, and buying more OPKs each or every other cycle.  Then dragging the OPKs to work (or on vacation like last summer) and holding my pee in.  Since I have PCOS I have NO idea when or if I ovulate most of the time.  And my birthday is Wednesday, this is cause for a present.

It took me a year and half to get where I am now.  I'm hoping if I throw some Vitex down again, some softcups and have sex every other day I'll get knocked up again in a month or two, or three.  Not another year and half.  This is another stalling attempt on injectables and IUI.  Bean mentioned back in December that even if this PG ended in MC that at least we know I can get naturally PG now.  Not sure if that helped any.  

I decided to take a break from Facebook for at least a week.  It's too depressing.  Feel free to post on my wall or send me messages, I'll get back to you that way.  (I don't really mind if readers of this blog add me.)  Or "Like" the page for this blog.  But no more stalking the newsfeed.  Everyone is so happy with their PG announcements, or birth announcements, or cute baby photos, or just saying insensitive, stupid things.  I really want no part of it.  I'm sure I'll post something from time to time, and probably a cute puppy photo (because that's all I have).  But this is my "I don't care about anyone else" state which is really just to save my own sanity.  

I found this post by another blogger this morning:  The Facebook Miscarriage Announcement.  My favorite:

"10.  The Ultrasound Annoucement, Redoux (Inspired by Elphie’s #2): This one is specific to Blighted ovums. Post the ultrasound pic, with a big red arrow pointing to the empty sac. In case your pool of friends is particularly challenged, write “Doesn’t that Empty Sac look just like me?” above said red arrow."

That's the closest thing that I did.  Uploaded my two ultrasound photos into a generic January album.  Under I wrote when my D&C was scheduled for.  I figured they were a part of my life in January 2012 so that is where it belonged.  Luckly everyone seemed to read and I got no "congratulations", because if they did it would make them look like a huge ass.  I did get a few messages from other women that have gone through the same thing.  One that had a couple LEEPs herself and IUI.  So I think it helped.  

Work sucks lately.  I keep getting dizzy and it really more uncomfortable than anything.  My uterus/ovaries/something down there keeps getting sharp pains.  I have a fear I'll start bleeding out and that will be a mess, so there are frequent trips to the bathroom.  So I just feel yucky, along with emotionally.  I'm glad I'm only working four hours tonight.

Tomorrow morning I have another ultrasound at 7am.  This is the same as last weeks u/s.  Checking for a heartbeat, checking for growth.  

Best Case Scenario:  They miraculously find find a 9 week (or 8, or 7 week old baby) with a heartbeat of 120+ bpm.  -  This also has a less than 0% chance of happening. 

Second Best Case:  This find a 5w6d baby with zero heartbeat.  -  This is most likely.  As sad as it sounds I can move forward with D&C. 

Worst Case Scenario:  They find a 5w6d baby with a heartbeat.  -  Could happen.  This means the baby would be close to a month behind now and cause for D&C anyways.  

-Selbe

Anger

I returned back to work Thursday, Bean on Wednesday.  I'd rather be at work, although there are some things that do upset me.  If not working then I'm just sitting on the couch or laying in bed.  That really doesn't help ether.

People keep asking me how I'm doing.   Honestly how would you be doing in my position?  I'm pissed, I'm angry.  I'm angry at other fertiles, at God, at myself.

Fertilies

I'm upset at couples that can get pregnant so easy.  The ones that try for 2 or 3 months or have just gotten off birth control.  Or the ones that get PG on accident.  Or the ones that get PG on accident while ON birth control (how does that even fucking happen?)  

I've been to the hospital for so many times this year for those that have had healthy babies.  We tried so long, so much.  Finally we got our dream only to have it taken away so soon.  I just happened to be in the small percentage of women this happens to.  A case of bad luck yet again.  Why do I feel like I'm the only one?  I know this isn't that uncommon, this happens to many women.  But yet I feel like I'm the only one to leave the hospital without a baby.  

Before complaining how crappy your pregnancy symptoms are or how horrible your child is, think of all the infertile women.  They would trade places with you in a heartbeat.  

The other day saw someone post on Facebook that they are upset they are not PG yet and would even take a miscarriage right now.  You want to take my life over and see your baby die?  Go right for it.  I'll give you this crappy situation.  Enjoy!

I don't know what's worse.  Getting PG and then losing your baby, or not getting PG at all.  I'm going to go with losing the baby.

God

For the infertile community I usually see one belief in God or the other.  1.  Those that believe God has a way for them and if they pray enough they will get it.  2.  Those that have seen so many bad things happen that they no longer believe said God exists.  I grew up learning God brings good things to those that deserve it and pray.  But what about bad things?  Does God also bring bad things to those that deserve it?  Does something else bring bad things?  Do bad things just come out of nowhere unlike good things?  I've seen a lot of bad things now, abuse and infertility to name a few.  Why does God give those that are clearly unfit to be parent a child?  (story of Caylee Anthony)  Why does he give those that are unwed (a sin) a child?  Why does he let people that are going to suck off welfare have unlimited children?  Why does he deny that to couples that are married, have amazing families and homes?  The anwser is simple.  1.  There is no God.  or 2. God does not control who gets good and bad.  Life is not fair.  If there was a being up there deciding who gets good and bad then life would be fair.  Shithole parents would become infertile and the infertiles would be given the amazing gift of life. However, it doesn't work that way. 

Myself

I'm angry I got myself so happy about the pregnancy.  I'm angry I had so much hope in it.  Maybe I didn't take enough folic acid?  Maybe 800mcg wasn't good enough for me?  (I literally went shopping for MORE folic acid supplements today.  Bean asked how much I need and I told him "more than I have now.")  I'm upset I can't be naive and enjoy a pregnancy without worrying about every little thing that could go wrong.  The ectopic, the miscarriage, my cervix falling.  I'll find something else once I'm cleared safe of all those.  I'm upset I know too much.  

And I'm also angry at my 18 year old unmarried co-worker than opps got pregnant.  I'm sorry I'm not all happy and hugs.  I am a bitch, I am angry.  The baby that took me 1.5 years to make is dying.  If you are pregnant then don't bother talking to me (unless you've been though the same things I have).  I don't want to hear it.  I don't want to listen to the complaining.  I don't want to hear how horrible your life is.  Just let me be in my own bubble and looking out the window.  I'll come around someday, but it won't be today, or tomorrow, or even next week.  This goes for everyone who is pregnant.

My few days back at work have been alright.  I'm still kind of out of it.  I'm sure I spend a lot of time staring off into space.  Bean took me shopping last week and I randomly started walking away from him when he was looking at something on a shelve.  He found me half the store away looking at something.  He asked me what I was looking at and I told him "I don't know."  I really don't know.  I just wanted to walk.  I'm there but sometimes my mind isn't.

The hardest was today at work.  I had a few ladies buying tons of baby stuff for their grandchildren (guessing by their ages).  They were so excited and proud for their babies.  Makes me think of my own family.  Sometimes I feel like I never do anything right, my father is never proud of me.  And my mum is just too out of it in general.  I wonder what that's like to have someone proud of you.  But I will never know, least not with this baby.  Because I feel like I fucked up again.  

I keep getting dizzy.  Not sure if this is part of a miscarriage or my ears are messing with me.  I wrote a note with a short description of my medical problem and put it in the pocket.  I figure if I pass out or am in too much pain then someone will know what to do with me.

I got asked by a few people if I'm scared for my D&C on Thursday.  Odd enough both Bean and I are excited for it!  I was never really scared for my lap surgery last October ether, just more what they could find wrong with me since they were going in with the intent of finding something.  But the actually surgery, the IVs, being put out, waking up in pain later really doesn't concern me at all.  And this time they are not digging for something wrong.  Whenever I'm told I need another procedure, LEEP, HSG, lap surgery, the D&C now, at first I do feel sorry for myself.  Then I read a lot online, especially seeing many other women go though the same thing, and just tell myself they are routine procedures or something.  I don't feel bad anymore and then somehow assume EVERY women has them done.  Until I met someone one day that is in fear of something stupid like an abnormal pap smear or simple IV and think they are a little bitch.  Not sure if this helps the situation at all.  Haha.  Anyways we are excited for the D&C and chance to move on for baby #2.  

At the store tonight I saw this toy.  Bean told me it's a baby toy.  I told him I found it in the dog aisle, and it says "pet" on it.  It's for puppies.  Then talked him into buying it.  Toys like this are for pet owners who don't have children.  Especially those that are infertile and have replaced the dog as a child.  We buy toys like this, and the Kong Puppy Binkie, so we feel semi better about the lack of child we don't have.  Dear dog, please wait at least a week before ripping its wings off.

I went on a beauty supply shopping spree the other night.  It made me feel semi better.  Today I made an appointment to get my hair done next week.

-Selbe

Cervical Cancer Awareness

I'm pretty sure this is PMS rant week for me.

I HATE breast cancer awareness games on Facebook.  I really wish people would not send them to me.  I wrote a whole long post back in September about the last "game" since it caused more problems than good.  I read some of the posts about women who have or have had breast cancer and their thoughts on it.  Most were more hurt than anything since the cancer has robbed them of their own fertility. 

I understand the need for awareness, I don't mind the little pink ribbons everywhere.  But breast cancer is not the only type of cancer out there!  All of us have been affected by cancer, whether it be ourselves, family members, friends or pets.  Maybe it was breast cancer, maybe it was another type.  

Sometimes I wear a teal ribbon.  People ask me what it is for because they "have never seen that colour before."  My teal ribbon (or teal mixed with some other colour) is for cervical, ovarian,  and endometrial cancer, along with PCOS and infertility.  I was going to post about something completely different today but now this is going to be all about cervical cancer since that is what has affected me the most.  It never gets awareness, no one ever talks about it, and I hear so much information that is WRONG about it.

August 2004 - I was 19 when I went to PPH for my first pap smear.  I really only wanted birth control pills, they made me get the stupid pap.  It came up abnormal and I was told to come back for another in six months.

December 2004 - Second pap also abnormal, I'm told I carry HPV (Human Papillomavirus).  Everyone that gets two abnormal paps is labeled as HPV.  I was heartbroken to know I had an incurable STD.  (That was also the least of my worries.)  After that I was sent to a real OBGYN where I "hung out" for the next several years.

January 2005 - Colposcopy.  I went alone since my mum was gone years ago and my ex dumped me the month before.  FYI a Colposcopy or Colpo is a biopsy of the cervix.  You are in stirrups, cervix is giving a shot to numb it, vinegar is placed on the cervix (which turns the abnormal cells white), and a biopsy is done at different locations on the cervix.  It's done by a long stick that kind of sounds like nail clippers to do the biopsy.  Then the little chunks of your cervix is stuck in jars (labeled with whatever o'clock they are) and sent to a lab.  A solution is put on your cervix to stop the bleeding.  You are awake the whole time and are sent home right after.

February 2005 - LEEP.  My biopsy came back as CIN III severe dysplasia high risk.  FYI a LEEP or LLETZ is removal of the cells from the cervix.  Stirrups, numbed cervix, sticky pad put on your butt to "ground" you and an electric wire loop is used to cut away the bad cells.  More solution to stop the bleeding at the end.  Same as a Colpo, awake for the whole thing and sent home same day.  Although some doctors put women out for it, I've always been awake.  A LEEP is bad because it takes away the most amount of cervix out of other treatments used, a LEEP is good because it has the highest success rate.  

And then I had many more pap smears and Colpos over the years, some of often as every three months since they kept coming back abnormal.  I really don't remember how many I've had since I lost count.  But I'm pretty sure at times my OBGYN saw more of me than his pregnant patients.

I was 20 with CIN III.  This is all I ever knew at the time and it was all normal to me.  I was OK with it.

June 2005 - HPV test came back negative.  Dr. M said 1. I still carrying the virus but it was in the dominate state; or 2. I never actually had it in the first place.  He also said it didn't matter ether way since 80% of the population has the virus.  FYI HPV is an STD that causes warts, cancer, warts AND cancer, or nether.  Most of the time it is undetected, especially in men.  There is no cure.  And I have never had genital warts, incase you were wondering.

LEEP usually has the highest sucess rate.  After a couple years I was finally cleared to have paps every six months.  And then it came back.  I cried at work one day and no one knew why.  I wasn't crying because of my abnormal pap, the Dr telling me I need a Colpo or the physical pain.  I cried because after years I needed to go through all this shit all over again.  I was 23 at the time.

August 2008 - Another Colpo, only CIN II this time.  I've "improved", but I still need another LEEP.  PPH told me I was their most calmest patient ever for a Colpo and even let me play Tetris on my iPhone during the procedure.  

February 2008 - My second LEEP.  The Dr. told me with my overall health and age that this was very rare and I was just really unlucky.  Great.

Since then all my paps have been normal.  I'm still in shock to this day and tell them I don't mind coming back for another in a couple months.

With cervical cells there are three different groups.

• Normal
• Dysplasia AKA pre-cancer (CIN I, II, & III)
• Cancer

A lot of times it is slow moving and it would be able ten years before I actually died from it.  With Dysplasia CIN I and II it can even go away on its own in some cases.  But with CIN III if you wait long enough it will most likely turn into cancer.

What about the cervical cancer vaccine?  People ask me about this.  Sometimes they even replace cervical with ovarian or another type of cancer.  First off I have never been given the vaccine.  I'm old and when it was being developed I had already had my first LEEP.  So it was too late for me and I've never had an OBGYN bother to push it.  Second it is labeled wrong.  It is not the cervical cancer vaccine, it is the HPV vaccine!  The vaccine makes it so you do not get the six most common types of HPV.  But there are over 100 different strains of the virus.  Just because you are vaccinated doesn't mean you won't get HPV.  Just because you don't have HPV doesn't mean you won't get cervical cancer.  Often times when people think of a vaccine they believe that having it means there is a 100% chance they won't get whatever they are vaccinated for.  People even think that with the common flu vaccine, then don't understand why they do end up with the flu later on.  I worry about the HPV vaccine being marketed as the cervical cancer vaccine.  Will women now believe they won't get such cancer?  Will women skip out or wait longer between pap smears because they don't think they will get it?  What if they wait and it's too late by the time it is caught?  I fear the cervical cancer vaccine will cause more problems down the road.

This is my story.  Although I am safe now I am never out of the blue.  I am left with cervical stenosis.  I've never had full blown cancer, I've never had any parts removed due to it.  However, I'll never bitch about how "painful" or uncomfortable a pap smear is ever again.  Those who do are all fucking babies.  (Except the OBGYN that tried dilated my cervix with her fingernails since she couldn't find it during a pap smear last year.  Yes that was painful.  Bitch!)

It shouldn't be all about breast cancer, breast cancer and breast cancer.  So many other types need awareness too.  

-Selbe

CD2, yeah AF arrived!