Start of a New Cycle

Flood gates have opened.  I'll be starting Clomid 100mg tomorrow morning.  Although my track record with Clomid isn't all that great, I have the tinniest bit of excitement about it and the upcoming cycle.  

I have not posted because I haven't been feeling all that great lately.  Kind of been in a pissed off PMS mood and figured I wouldn't have anything nice to say anyways.  The TTC groups have been depressing lately, lots of babies lost this week and on a few of the blogs here.  Though I do wish to be there for them, for my sanity I need to step away.  Especially with my IUI and due date coming up.

Last post was pretty fucking depressing.  I wrote it in bed one night at 4am because I couldn't fall asleep.  I cried through half of it.  Even though it was the product of a snotty mess, I did feel better after a wrote it.  

Target

I lost my job last week.  Well I didn't lose it like I got fired, I just didn't get transferred by the deadline date.  I'm rehirable and all I have to do if fill out some forms and I'll get my old job back.

                                        

Target-2530

I talked about my job many times over the past year, but never mentioned the actual company.  The company was always good to me so I never wanted to bash it nor didn't want anyone from my "fan club" to come looking for me.  I worked for Target.  For those of you that do not know Target is a large retail store in the United States and now Canada.  They have a baby section, cribs all the way down newborn clothes.  That's where I got all my wonderful stories over the past year.

I'm contemplating going through with the rehire.  My doctor's appointment are so often, sometimes with a couple days notice.  Even if I did get pregnant I would have to leave at 4 weeks anyways.

I did go and change my Target baby registry from August 25, 2012 to August 25, 2013.  I spent long hours working on that.  I'm not going to let it go to waste!

Goals for Next Pregnancy

Just thoughts, nothing I've 100% decided on.

• No baby shower 'til after the baby is born.  Maybe a Welcome Baby party is better. - Baby shower games are stupid.
• One of those 3D ultrasounds ASAP. - Not sure the earliest one is done, just a regular 3D, not a gender one.
• Maternity photos as soon as my stomach starts looking like more baby, less like fat. - And later on also, I want to remember.
• Announce pregnancy early. - Still on the fence.  But I want to be PG as long as possible, and I already know the pros and cons if my baby doesn't make it.
• I'm not going to mention every single fucking that I'm pregnant on Facebook.  I'm sure the really important people in my life have figured it out by the 1st or 2nd status update.  I don't know why anyone would mention it everyday, incase the news didn't get to everyone?  - This one is 100%, those people get blocked on in my newsfeed.  And I know what hurt feels like now.

These are for my fear of not having a take home baby.

Goals for This Cycle

• Ovulate one egg.

I don't ask for much with ether ovaries.  It doesn't need to be more than one.  I don't even need to get pregnant.  I just want one egg matured and released.  Baby steps.  This was also the goal of my December cycle.  Which seemed to work.

Enlarge

I saw these question fly past me on one of the military wives groups I'm a part of.When is the earliest you can take a HPT?  Out of 30 or 40 responses only about three got it right.  Or maybe even understood the question.  I then got in a conversation with the poster about irregular cycles, tracking ovulation, PCOS and added her to the military wives that are TTC group.

-Selbe

CD3 & CD4

Test line on left, control line on right.

I did one of those First Response Fertility Tests on CD2.  Only because it came free in a box of pregnancy tests and didn't want to have it sitting around.  I had the blood versions of this test done back in the fall, and that's more accurate.  Anyways the test measures FSH hormone.  A high level means a diminishing egg reserve.  If the test line is the same or darker than control, you have elevated FSH.  If the test is lighter (shown above) or not there at all, then you're fine.  So my FSH is all good.

I was warned about horrible cramps for my first period after a MC.  I have been cramping badly everyday, but I've also had A LOT worse before.  They are annoying yet tolerable.  TMI warning!  One think I really didn't think about is all the blood.  I don't normal have heavy periods.  I buy a box of super tampon and they last five years.  Yesterday morning at 8:30am I put a super tampon in expecting it to last the full 8 hours.  I had movers in and out of my house and bathroom all day.  At 10:30am my underwear started feeling wet.  I had only had it in two hours, it can't be leaking already.  Sure enough I went to the bathroom and there was blood everywhere.  I put another super tampon in.  In two hours I started leaking out of this one too.  What the hell?  I switched at pads after this and then went to Google to see if they was normal or not.  Google reassured me I wasn't dying.  My flow is much less today.

I'm extremely optimistic this cycle.  I'm not sure why.  Maybe I have a strong feeling I'll get pregnant again.  Or maybe it's just false hope I'm creating in hope I'll get PG.

More Than One & CD2

My cramps are super bad today.  I took Midol and used a heat pack.  It makes it hard for me to stand around and pack all day.

April Fools

I mentioned yesterday how I am not hurt by fake pregnancy announcements on April Fools day.  I don't think they are funny or original, but I tolerate them.  However, I did see posts by other infertile women and in a few of the TTC groups I'm a member of annoyed with it.  This post was in my newsfeed, the only status update sticking up for infertility.  A few comments down I saw this:

"Well people like to fake a pregnancy but they're jinxing themselves.  I will not fake a pregnancy, I have four kids and pregnancy is rough.  So I am not messing with karma." 

The Good & What's Next

The Good Stuff:

• It's CD2, my body for the second cycle in a row has managed to get AF without Provera.
• A CD30 cycle.  Last cycle it was CD31.  (Normal is CD21-35, average is CD28.  Too short then LP problem, too long then no O.)  Two cycles only a day apart in length is good, and amazing for me.  It almost seems too good to be true.  (Clomid I was CD29 & CD31.)
• Ovulation was CD15.  (Normal is CD11-17, average is CD14.  Too short or too long then lower quality eggs.)  Good enough for me!  (Clomid I was CD 16 & CD18.)
• Luteal Phase (LP) was 15dpo.  (Normal is 12-16dpo, average is 14dpo.)  The longer the better since there is more time for the lining to develop & egg implant.  (Clomid I was 13dpo.)
• Post O side effects = high hormones = good.
• Progesterone 10.6.

Next:

• We have decided against injectables for this cycle.  I'm not 100% sure what my insurance will cover, even though $500 is pretty cheap if we had to pay it out of pocket.  I'm really not looking forward to sticking needles in my body.  And the side effects will most likely suck.
• I'm going to stick with the Vitex.  I'm not sure if that is what is fixing me, if something else is, or if my body is getting its act together.  But whatever it is I'm not going to change it.  
• As long as I stick in the "normal" range then I'll stay away from injectables and the RE.  
• Psychic Cheri22 told me August for a birth date.  Meaning O November 9th to December 9th.

-Selbe

Cervical Cancer Awareness

I'm pretty sure this is PMS rant week for me.

I HATE breast cancer awareness games on Facebook.  I really wish people would not send them to me.  I wrote a whole long post back in September about the last "game" since it caused more problems than good.  I read some of the posts about women who have or have had breast cancer and their thoughts on it.  Most were more hurt than anything since the cancer has robbed them of their own fertility. 

I understand the need for awareness, I don't mind the little pink ribbons everywhere.  But breast cancer is not the only type of cancer out there!  All of us have been affected by cancer, whether it be ourselves, family members, friends or pets.  Maybe it was breast cancer, maybe it was another type.  

Sometimes I wear a teal ribbon.  People ask me what it is for because they "have never seen that colour before."  My teal ribbon (or teal mixed with some other colour) is for cervical, ovarian,  and endometrial cancer, along with PCOS and infertility.  I was going to post about something completely different today but now this is going to be all about cervical cancer since that is what has affected me the most.  It never gets awareness, no one ever talks about it, and I hear so much information that is WRONG about it.

August 2004 - I was 19 when I went to PPH for my first pap smear.  I really only wanted birth control pills, they made me get the stupid pap.  It came up abnormal and I was told to come back for another in six months.

December 2004 - Second pap also abnormal, I'm told I carry HPV (Human Papillomavirus).  Everyone that gets two abnormal paps is labeled as HPV.  I was heartbroken to know I had an incurable STD.  (That was also the least of my worries.)  After that I was sent to a real OBGYN where I "hung out" for the next several years.

January 2005 - Colposcopy.  I went alone since my mum was gone years ago and my ex dumped me the month before.  FYI a Colposcopy or Colpo is a biopsy of the cervix.  You are in stirrups, cervix is giving a shot to numb it, vinegar is placed on the cervix (which turns the abnormal cells white), and a biopsy is done at different locations on the cervix.  It's done by a long stick that kind of sounds like nail clippers to do the biopsy.  Then the little chunks of your cervix is stuck in jars (labeled with whatever o'clock they are) and sent to a lab.  A solution is put on your cervix to stop the bleeding.  You are awake the whole time and are sent home right after.

February 2005 - LEEP.  My biopsy came back as CIN III severe dysplasia high risk.  FYI a LEEP or LLETZ is removal of the cells from the cervix.  Stirrups, numbed cervix, sticky pad put on your butt to "ground" you and an electric wire loop is used to cut away the bad cells.  More solution to stop the bleeding at the end.  Same as a Colpo, awake for the whole thing and sent home same day.  Although some doctors put women out for it, I've always been awake.  A LEEP is bad because it takes away the most amount of cervix out of other treatments used, a LEEP is good because it has the highest success rate.  

And then I had many more pap smears and Colpos over the years, some of often as every three months since they kept coming back abnormal.  I really don't remember how many I've had since I lost count.  But I'm pretty sure at times my OBGYN saw more of me than his pregnant patients.

I was 20 with CIN III.  This is all I ever knew at the time and it was all normal to me.  I was OK with it.

June 2005 - HPV test came back negative.  Dr. M said 1. I still carrying the virus but it was in the dominate state; or 2. I never actually had it in the first place.  He also said it didn't matter ether way since 80% of the population has the virus.  FYI HPV is an STD that causes warts, cancer, warts AND cancer, or nether.  Most of the time it is undetected, especially in men.  There is no cure.  And I have never had genital warts, incase you were wondering.

LEEP usually has the highest sucess rate.  After a couple years I was finally cleared to have paps every six months.  And then it came back.  I cried at work one day and no one knew why.  I wasn't crying because of my abnormal pap, the Dr telling me I need a Colpo or the physical pain.  I cried because after years I needed to go through all this shit all over again.  I was 23 at the time.

August 2008 - Another Colpo, only CIN II this time.  I've "improved", but I still need another LEEP.  PPH told me I was their most calmest patient ever for a Colpo and even let me play Tetris on my iPhone during the procedure.  

February 2008 - My second LEEP.  The Dr. told me with my overall health and age that this was very rare and I was just really unlucky.  Great.

Since then all my paps have been normal.  I'm still in shock to this day and tell them I don't mind coming back for another in a couple months.

With cervical cells there are three different groups.

• Normal
• Dysplasia AKA pre-cancer (CIN I, II, & III)
• Cancer

A lot of times it is slow moving and it would be able ten years before I actually died from it.  With Dysplasia CIN I and II it can even go away on its own in some cases.  But with CIN III if you wait long enough it will most likely turn into cancer.

What about the cervical cancer vaccine?  People ask me about this.  Sometimes they even replace cervical with ovarian or another type of cancer.  First off I have never been given the vaccine.  I'm old and when it was being developed I had already had my first LEEP.  So it was too late for me and I've never had an OBGYN bother to push it.  Second it is labeled wrong.  It is not the cervical cancer vaccine, it is the HPV vaccine!  The vaccine makes it so you do not get the six most common types of HPV.  But there are over 100 different strains of the virus.  Just because you are vaccinated doesn't mean you won't get HPV.  Just because you don't have HPV doesn't mean you won't get cervical cancer.  Often times when people think of a vaccine they believe that having it means there is a 100% chance they won't get whatever they are vaccinated for.  People even think that with the common flu vaccine, then don't understand why they do end up with the flu later on.  I worry about the HPV vaccine being marketed as the cervical cancer vaccine.  Will women now believe they won't get such cancer?  Will women skip out or wait longer between pap smears because they don't think they will get it?  What if they wait and it's too late by the time it is caught?  I fear the cervical cancer vaccine will cause more problems down the road.

This is my story.  Although I am safe now I am never out of the blue.  I am left with cervical stenosis.  I've never had full blown cancer, I've never had any parts removed due to it.  However, I'll never bitch about how "painful" or uncomfortable a pap smear is ever again.  Those who do are all fucking babies.  (Except the OBGYN that tried dilated my cervix with her fingernails since she couldn't find it during a pap smear last year.  Yes that was painful.  Bitch!)

It shouldn't be all about breast cancer, breast cancer and breast cancer.  So many other types need awareness too.  

-Selbe

CD2, yeah AF arrived!

Guess Who's Back

We are becoming such good friends.  I thought, why not invite my favorite hormone drug to take four?

I'm taking it CD2-6 this cycle, not CD3-7 like prescribed.  Why?  Because I want to.  And because I'm impatient and really don't have much to lose.  Someone explained to me on a forum that:

"My RE explained that taking it 2-6/3-7 makes more eggs (for those that don't O) while taking it 5-9 makes more mature (for those that O on their own)."

Twins, triples, whatever.  I'll take what I can get.  Most of my friends will be on their second or third pregnancy by the time I'm done with all this shit anyways.  I'll just catch up all at once.

I have another appointment next Monday with my GYN.

CD2, Clomid Day 1

AF is a Bitch

That pretty much sums it up.  Oddly I'm still in a decent mood... today.  I start my third round of Clomid on Tuesday.  And a new shipment of OPK & HPT are coming from Amazon.  

So here's May's BBT (basal body temperature) chart:

Provera 10mg for 10 days (AF started on the 6th day) and then Clomid 100mg days 3-7.  O (ovulated) on CD16.  I gave up on BBT.  I guess a positive is that I got AF all on my own without meds birth control.  Only thing I don't understand is we BD'ed all three days before O and on it. :/

January is a pretty shitty month to be born in anyways (I should know).  February will be better.

CD2