Halloween

For being a photographer I'm really crappy at forgetting to share photos on here.  Not like it really matters since it's an IF blog.  But I really do like sharing.

Despire having surgery a few days before Halloween I still ended up having fun.  I went an Alice in Wonderland (though I never really cared for the movie but just liked the dress) and Bean went as a banana.  We didn't match at all.

But as you can guess alcohol plus a banana costume leads to tons of inappropriate photos, which are now floating around my Facebook.

 

-Selbe

CD23, 8dpo

Pre-Op Appointment 10/6

Source

Recap from my pre-op for my Laparoscopy/Hysteroscopy next Thursday:

• Dr. H went over where the cuts will be made.  One inside my belly button, and then one or two much lower on my stomach.  The lower ones will need a couple stitches.  They'll also be doing an Hysteroscopy and going up through my cervix again.  Who cares about pain this time, I'll be asleep. 
• No food or drinks after midnight, which will be hard since I'm always drinking something all day and night.
• Show up at 9am, surgery at 10.  This might change the day before.
• I get to see pictures of my insides.  This is probably the most exciting part.
• SA results from August - 23 million at 70% motility.  I didn't get the paper with all the exact numbers.  But in June it was 20 million at 60%, so up a bit.  RE said his numbers of fine.
• My hormone BW from last month as off a lot.  Didn't really say how that is fixable, but that I'm not ovulating.  And I already figured that one out.
• My US showed MANY follicles (eggs).  RE said that's a really good sign.  Probably has something to do with my five cycles of Clomid.  My ovaries are just not releasing them, they are just circling around I guess.  I see trigger shots in my near future.  And no cysts showed up on the US.
• I do not have insulin resistance PCOS.  No Metformin for me.  In fact I have very few symptoms of PCOS.  But that is what the RE is going to label me for now.  (That I'm pretty sure we have run out of other things to test for.) 
• I was told to take Thursday and Friday off.  Saturday I can most likely go back to work, most definitely by Monday.
• I asked how I could do IUI or IVF if I couldn't even get the HSG tube past my cervix?  I guess the tube is much smaller for IUI/IVF.  
• RE said I can have lots of embryos and freeze them so I can have babies for years.  Little a head of yourself?  If anything I won't be having IVF 'til after I move since I can't leave the embryos behind. I'm not sure how shipping works on something like that.  
• I want pictures of these embryos.  I really like pictures.   I will make it my Facebook profile photo.  Ha I got one up on those US photos. 
• I can have a 2012 baby.

-Selbe

CD23

I'm a Mean Person

I saw this on the Facebook page yesterday for 999 reasons to laugh at infertility:

"Another pregnancy announcement on Facebook. First illogical thought was 'but she just got married...""

Oh the number of times I have thought that very thing.  I have a wide range of thoughts to the sight of a FB announcement, an PG announcement anywhere, or just seeing a pregnant women in public.  Some of these are things I thought of way before I was IF, so I know I'm not the only one.  Others have just made themselves a lot worse with infertility.

• "They just got married."  - WTF?  Do you know how long I've been off birth control? How are they even that quick?
• "They've been married way less time than us." - This is for anyone married after August 8th, 2009 at 4:30pm hawaiian time zone.
• "They aren't even fucking married". - I don't care how long your boyfriend/fiance have been TTC for.  Even though it's 2011 the thought of having a child out of wedlock still doesn't seem right to me.  I guess I'm ol' fashion.
• "She already has (X number of) kids."
• "Are they looking to be the next 19 Kids and Counting?" - BTW, I hate this show, but still watch it from time to time.
• "Seriously fucking again?"
• "She's too young to have a kid." -  For pretty much anyone ~25 and younger.
• "Oh... they're so much older." - Chances of convincing decreases after age 25, 30, 35+.  What's my problem then?
• "Least my child will know mommy has a college education."
• "My husband is older than your husband/boyfriend/fiance/random one night stand."
• Smoking? Illegal drugs? - Smoking also decreases fertility. 
• Getting pregnant on birth control, while using a condom, and the pull out method. - How is that even possible?
• "But they are overweight/underweight?" - Menstrual irregularities are linked with being both under and over weight.  So many IF are told to gain or lose weight to increase their chances.  I sometimes think this is a line of bull since my problems started when I was 105 lbs and continue no matter how fat or skinny I am.  That and I see women way more obese than myself PG.  Sorry to say!  So am I really too fat to have a baby?
• "How do they plan on taking care of this baby if they cant take care of the one they already have?" - Or their cat...
• "Looks like I'm paying for yet another one of your kids."
• "How are they even going to afford this baby?" - Babies are expensive, and I have a good idea how much your husband and you make.  I have an even better idea if you work with my husband.
• "Where are they even going to keep a baby in that apartment?"
• "How did you not know you were pregnant?" - Coming from the person that has taken probably 40 PG tests in the last few months.
• "But you already have an amazing/huge family..." - Two things I don't have.  I can't wait to have my own family.
• "Fucking breeders."
• "How come people can't figure out birth control pills? There's little arrows, take it the same time, EVERY day.  How hard is that?"
• "Congrats." - Only once this has happened to another women I know who was TTC for while and I knew had a miscarriage recently.  

Most of these things are mean.  I judge and compare to myself to see where I fit in.  Or maybe just rationalize why I would be a good parent.  I'm not really sure.

I notice my tolerance in PG women is decreasing.  Ones I see walking around, not ones I know personally.  I wore shorts for the first time in years today.  I really don't like my legs and only bought them to make Bean happy.  Oh course they are super short since that's the style right now.  During my trip to the market and Target yesterday I noticed quite of few people looking at my legs.  Not sure if there is something wrong with my legs or my shorts are really too short.  I saw a very young PG women looking at them as she shopped with her boyfriend.  I immediately got angry and thought, "don't look at me bitch, my body looks better than yours will be for a long time."  As I was leaving I drove past them in my convertible with the top down, and they drove away in their beat up Ford Focus.  Karma got the best of it though because it started raining half way home.  This seems to be the way I cope with my own IF.  The "fuck you" approach.  

A couple weeks ago I posted my goals for this cycle.

1. Paint pottery once a week. - Ok I've done this about every week.
2. Draw each day. - Never even started this.
3. Gym (or some kind of exercise) at least every other day. - Really good at this one.
4. Wake up each day and say today will be a good day. - Forgot about this.
5. Drink more water (less of the flavored/carbonated stuff). - Lots of water/flavored water.  Very little soda and carbonated water.
6. Be nice to those around me, especially the preggos. - Umm read the previous paragraph. 

I actually go to the gym pretty much every day.  I really like the gym, always have.  Sometimes I have to drag myself to get dressed and in the car, but once I get there I'm fine. I do 30 minutes on this elliptical type machine.  And then 15-30 minutes of strength training for my legs, arms or abs.  Plus the gym has better TV channels than I do at home so I'll bounce around on the elliptical or treadmill for an hour or two if there is something good on.

CD23, still no sign of O

Dreams

I have many pregnancy dreams sometimes.  Since I've never been PG I don't see them as a sign.  Although I do believe dreams have some meaning.

My most recent dream was the other night.  I was at 4dpo and POAS (which happened to be the dpo I was at that day in real life).  Two were dipsticks, two digital.  The two dipsticks and one digital came back positive!  The other digital came back negative.  I don't remember feeling happy, but more pissed and cautious that the POAS (pregnancy test AKA pee on a stick) came back positive.  Fucking broken POAS.

Another dream I had two weeks ago I was out to dinner with another PG couple that Bean and I know (we know a lot).  The husband asked when we are planning on having kids.  Every IF favorite question!  I started crying.  I've never cried in a dream before.

Some of my PG dreams show me having a girl (the past year or two) or a boy (more recent).  Sometimes I'm early in the pregnancy, other times about to give birth.  I've even had them show labor and breastfeeding.  The common color is red, not sure if that's a good or bad sign.  I've heard of other people having similar dreams so like I said, I don't see them as a sign of anything.  But I do find them interesting.

PS New page showing the cost of being infertile.  My list is really short & I'm lucky enough to have insurance that has covered everything IF related so far.  But I thought it would be interesting to keep track.

CD23, 5DPO

March BBT

I don't get these temperatures.  I said I'd post my current BBT a few days ago.   So I'm looking at this for the last 23 days and I don't see a thermal shift or whatever else I'm supposed to be looking for.  (Sorry the numbers are in Fahrenheit.  Silly American with my stubborn government.  But that's a whole other blog post.)

My ovaries/uterus/tubes/whatever-the-else-is-down-there are in pain.   Not like menstrual cramps, but like someone took them out, beat them up and put them back in my body.  Any attempt at intercourse ends in discomfit now.  This is usually the time of the month that my libido goes crazy, I can take a lot.  But not right now.  I'll be on the couch whining instead.  Someone will eventually bring me hot coco.