13dpo

Thanks for the emails/messages/comments everyone.  I know many of you were looking for an update.  The second line never seems as dark or pink as the other day, so I never posted anything else on here.  I figured it would start getting darker by now if it was a true BFP.  I also never went in for blood work ether.

Green is the July 23 cycle.
Purple is my current cycle.

Fertility Friend going by my BBT puts me at 14dpo.  Ovacue puts me at 14/12dpo (gave me two days, the 12dpo is probably more accurate).  My OPKs put me at 14/13dpo.  The O type pains I felt puts me at 12dpo.  The guess for the U/S and trigger timing puts me at 14/13dpo.  I think I will just average it out and say 13dpo for now, or 15dpt, 13dpiui.  AF should be here today, tomorrow, Sunday, or maybe Monday.

I'll do the TWW symptoms from Countdown to Pregnancy today.

Sharp/Stabbing Pains/Pulling/Pinching - Sometimes, off and on, usually the left side.  But I've had it other BFN cycles too.

Cramps (Like PMS/AF) - 11dpo, 13dpo.  I sometimes have no cramps before AF (last cycle) or it goes on for several days.  It doesn't randomly stop though.  But I cramp a lot more randomly since my D&E.

Ovulation Pain - 0dpo, before arriving at Location X.  

Backache - 13dpo

Sensitive Breasts - 9dpo-now.  Medium to very sore.

Weepy - 11-12dpo.

"I Feel Out This Month"/Depressed - 0dpo-now.  Not going to lie, it's infertility.

Headache - 13dpo

Stuffy/Running Nose - 1-10dpo.  I've had a cold.

Dizziness/Light Headed - Off and on, not as bad as other cycles though.

Sore Throat - 1-3dpo.  Again, sick.

Increased Sense of Smell - 11dpo-now.  Stuff stinks, it makes me stomach hurt more.  Not sure if it always stinks or it's just me.

Dry Mouth/Increased Thirst - 1-5dpo.  Again, sick.

Fatigue/Exhaustion - Off and on.  Probably from being sick.

BBT Luteal Phase Dip - 2, 8 and 12dpo.  Largest at 8dpo.

Vivid Dreams - 13dpo, they are more real?

Cervix Pain - 11dpo, typical pulling.

Diarrhea - Often.  Probably just the Met.

Increased Cervical Fluid - 13dpo, usually don't happen right before AF so that was a surprise.

Vomiting - 11dpo

Nausea - 11dpo - now.  My stomach still doesn't feel right, it hurts a lot.  I woke up during the night yesterday to eat.  And it still hurt today during my interview.  It feels better if I eat, but I have zero interest in doing so somedays.

New/Strange Cravings - 11dpo - now.  I want to eat peas and carrots.  And I had Taco Bell for the first time in years.

I don't think I'm pregnant.  We only had sex one day and the IUI was crap.  My hormones are probably very high, hence why I feel so awful.  As soon as I get AF then the sore boobs and nausea will go away.

I'm done TTC for awhile.  I don't have much choice anyways, but I am sick of being poked and prodded and all the doctors' appointments.  Even if we could do IVF in the next couple cycle I wouldn't in interested.  I'm tired of being that infertile.  The one that very much so wants a family for herself, her husband, and an addition to his family.  I feel like a failure for that.  And I feel like a failure for not being able to carry the one child we had to term.  Sometimes I honestly think certain people (family and friends) don't give a fuck about me because I don't have a child.  I'm less of a person, less of a "real" women because of my infertility.  I don't want to be this infertile anymore, I just want to be normal.  I've learned just because you have dreams doesn't mean they'll come true.

I've been working on buying somethings for Coral.  She doesn't need much, not like Loki did where we had to buy everything for a new dog.    I bought her some bows, and she needs a harness since I'm pretty sure we gave away Loki's puppy one he outgrew.  I'd do clothes just because she's cute and a girl, but dog clothes are expensive!  They also grow out of them within a matter of weeks at that age.  Not worth it.

Nibbler

My ferret Nibbler has been diagnosed with adrenal disease/cancer.  Not a big surprise for me since I often know their diagnosis before even go to the vet.  He has the typical hair loss starting at the tail and moving up the body.  Without treatment he'll become completely bald and eventually die.  That will still happen but at a slower pace now.  He had an hormonal implant about the size of rice or a microchip put into his neck.  He was awake for it and they said he didn't seem to feel a thing after getting distracted with ferret candy.  They put a little bit of glue on his neck just in case, but he seems fine.  Nibbler may will eventually need another one of these implants, maybe a couple, depending on how long he lives for.  His fur should start coming back and I'm hoping he gains some weight too.

-Selbe

BFN, TWW and Move to IUI

My OPKs got confusing this cycle so I don't know when I ovulated.  I got a dark positive CD12, then another a little lighter positive CD13.  There was also a lot of soreness on both the right and left sides from CD12-CD15.  And clear fluid CD12 and CD13.  Lets just guess and say CD14 was when I ovulated.  I'd be 13dpo today.

Not Pregnant

I never got any more pregnancy tests with a line as dark as the other day.  So NOT PREGNANT.  Maybe it was an evaporated line or something? 

There is still time, I didn't get my last BFP 'til 15dpo.  But I don't feel pregnant.  I also don't feel like I'm going to get my period tomorrow or Sunday.  I've gotten menstrual cramps all week, however, they only last a few hours at the most and then disappear again.  I don't know what to think.

I'll try another pregnancy test in the morning.

New Doctors and New Procedures Coming Soon

I went to get registered on base for my insurance today.  My old base I got sent out into the civilian world for my ENT, OBGYN and RE, just because they didn't have doctors there to care for me.  This base is much larger and has many of those things.  My first thought, "they can't possibly have the correct services to care for my screwed up self, I want a REAL doctor."  And then, 

"look at those girls in the OBGYN clinic, they're all pregnant and so young. I hope they don't expect me to sit in there with them."  I was pissed about the latest BFN.  Last thing I want to do is get stuck in a waiting room with a bunch of pregnant women who don't have the slightest idea what infertility is about.

I'm not sure how long it is going to take to get an appointment with my primary doctor, then OBGYN, then finally send me to a fertility specialist.  My husband's job sends him away from long periods of time with no real schedule.  This starts in a couple weeks.  This current cycle was our last TTC naturally (as in penis in vagina).  Maybe a couple times a year we'll get a chance but they'll be no schedule ahead of time or planning.  And with myself being annovulatory a lot of time, well I'm even more useless.

IUI - Source

I'm moving forward with IUI.  It was a decision made last year once my husband started going out to sea again, though I hoped I'd get pregnant and stay pregnant so it wouldn't come down to this.  It will be with my husband's frozen sperm so I'm not waiting on his schedule.  And I'll probably be using all injectables, unless they decide to give Clomid another try with monitoring this time.  I'm hoping to get all these appointments done, whatever testing they want, and the sperm in the freezer by August so I can start the IUI then.  Not sure if that is a realistic date with military doctors.  The waiting list is a year or two out for IVF so that's not doing to happen anytime soon.  My husband's schedule is going to be like for for the next three years.  I see the women in their 30's and 40's at the RE office, I know my insides are failing already.  I need to get this done and not wait three years.

No BFP and AF this weekend, then IUI is my next step.

On the positive I always did want twins, and IUI will bring me closer to that.

My two week wait symptoms:

Abdomen

Bloating - 0dpo-now off & on - Could be anything.  I feel fat sometimes.
Ovary Pain - 0dpo-2dpo - Ovulation?
Sharp/Stabbing Pains/Pulling/Twinges - 0dpo-2dpo - Ovulation.
Cramps - 4dpo-6dpo light, 10dpo strong, 11dpo-now middle - Could be AF coming.
Sore Muscles - 3dpo-now off & on - Lots of moving around.

Back & Legs

Backache - 8dpo-12dpo - Pain in the middle, usually I have upper or lower.

Chest

Heartburn - 6dpo - Burning throat, not sure what heartburn feels like.
Sore Breast - 2dpo-9dpo sore, 10dpo-12dpo really sore, 13dpo really really sore - Could be high estrogen or progesterone.

Emotional

Irritability - 11dpo-now - Could be PMS.
Happy - 0dpo-now - Ether really happy or PMS.
Anxious - 10dpo-now - I want this TWW to be over.

Head

Bleeding Nose - 12dpo - Dry nose?
Headache - 0dpo-now - Normal.
Stuff Nose - 4dpo-now - Allergies?
Dizziness/Light Headed - 9dpo-10dpo

Overall

BBT Luteal Phase Dip - 7dpo - Gave up on BBT though.
Vivid Dreams - 11dpo-now

Skin

Acne Breakout - 0dpo-now

Pelvis

Diarrhea - 7dpo-now off & on - With a lot of dairy.
Increased Cervical Fluid - 11dpo-now
Increased Appetite - 2dpo-now - Sometimes I've just starving, other times I'm fine.
Nausea - 5dpo-now - Morning and nights before I go to bed.  Sometimes it's so bad I almost dry heave.  This happens frequently when I don't eat much.
Food Aversion - 11dpo-now - Chicken.  Keep it away from me.

-Selbe

POAS are Depressing

AF is due sometime today.  That's really a guess since my body is so messed up that there really isn't a "late" anymore.  Last cycle I O'ed at CD16 and AF showed up on 13dpo CD29.  I assume this cycle since I O'ed CD18 that AF would show up 13dpo CD31?  Approximately same number of days from O, not since the cycle start, right?

I've been having menstrual like cramps all day.  Weird thing is they only last about 15 minutes at a time and then go away.  Normally they start and I'm in for it for the next three days.  I keep running into the bathroom to check for AF.  I even checked my cervix a few times.  High and soft but no spotting yet.

I gave up on the POAS.  I have taken them at 7dpo, 9dpo, 10dpo and 11dpo, all negative.  I would love to be one of those women to know at 3 weeks X days.  But when they come back negative in the morning I'm then upset for several hours after.  I'd rather just presume that AF is around the corner or keep looking at each tiny early PG symptom.  It's just not worth knowing.  Maybe I'll take one in the morning or if AF doesn't show up 14dpo.  

And honestly I'm just assuming AF is on her way soon (sorry for the lack of optimism).  I'm getting kind of sick of the nausea and sore boobs.  The boobs are worse than cycle #2.  I actually wore a bra to bed last night because they kept flopping around (I usually sleep naked).  And I almost vomited in the car the other day.  I'm really looking forward to both these things to go away.  I'd vomit and deal with my sore boobs if I was pregnant with no complaining.  But I'm not PG so please let this IF be.  

CD31, 13DPO