What About Me?

As I was standing in the check out line at the grocery store the other night the cashier noticed the couple in front of me with the newborn baby.  Of course the cashier began adoring the baby.  My mind was filled with all the bitter things that one infertile could think of.  Along with the "I fucking hate babies" thought.  But the second though that came into my head: "what about me?"  

You can't really tell how long a couple has been TTC by just looking at them.  They could have been TTC for a whole two months, or did IVF after five years.  I admit I automatically go with the first of those two options.  Odds are they couldn't tell you much about most fertility treatments.  The "what about me" question pops into my head when, even though I have no proof, I believe I have been waiting longer for my baby while someone else is getting attention for their newborn.  I think of not just the months we have been TTC for, but years.  I have "done my time" with fertility treatment and think of my past loss.  To be absolutely honest I'm envious.  I wish some cashier (or anyone) was looking at my baby and tell me how beautiful s/he was.  But they are not.  I fall off the radar.  I am non-existent because I'm not a mommy.

I deserve some good attention.  Not some depressing crap when people ask how my fertility treatment is going.  It's going just as crappy as the last time they asked.  But I'd love for someone to look at my big belly, or my newborn or child, and compliment it.  

One of the things that upsets me the most and I was never given a chance at being a mother.  We can think for great mothers out there.  But we can also all think of horrible ones ether from the news or those we actually know.  The women that doesn't deserve to be mothers, or can't take care of the children she already has.  I'm not saying I'm going to be the absolute best mum on the face of the planet, no one it that.  But I have to be better than some of those other examples.  Why is it when the stork comes around to give their baby handouts for the month I am always passed up?  And every other infertile women.  Honestly, we can't be that bad of a future mother.  We are never even given a chance at parenthood.  Not even one tiny bit of chance.  Or worst yet, we are given a chance the baby is taken away from us.  

We have a great home here.  The baby will have his or her own room with painted walls to match the gender.  There will be a new crib and everything else will be brand new.  The best products for 2012, and everything checked for safety.  The SUV we bought last year is awesome.  The yard is a decent size and fenced in.  The baby will have a college fund before even being born.  We are financially stable enough that I can stay home and take care of the child for the first five years of their life.  Fuck I think I almost described a yuppie.  But whatever, none of that seems to be good enough.

The feelings that go with infertility is so complex.  I honestly don't believe one could even understand the emotions unless they have been in the shoes.  There is no "fairness" or waiting your turn.  Sometimes it so hard to justify what is happening.  The only thing we can hold onto is the quote: "everything happens for a reason".  But after a couple years honestly, what is the fucking reason?

The Future

Many days I just want give up on fertility treatment.  Even if money was unlimited, I don't want to do another IUI, I don't want to do IVF, I don't ever want to see Clomid or any of it's fucking friends again, and I hate OPKs.  No more!  I just want to be left alone.  I don't want a newborn, I don't want a child, I like my sleep and freedom.  I want to spend all my money on myself, I want to take off without needing a babysitter.  I want to keep my current body with my non-sagging breasts, and kinda flat stomach.  

And there is my husband with his one fucking million sperm he left me.  I am still angry at that.  It seems like his count keeps getting lower and lower over time.  I asked him to take the CountBoost or FertilAid but he told me those had the some vitamins and such as his regular multivitamin that he already takes.  I never looked into whether that was true or not, nor do I know if he even takes those multivitamins on a daily basis like he should.  What about the occasional alcoholic drink he has?  Or his stressful job?  The last two IUIs were great on my end, one and two eggs.  My cervix isn't a problem since they bypass it with the IUI.  My right fallopian tube isn't a problem since I know at least one egg went down my left tube.  I am left feeling like I should be pointing fingers and you can take a good guess who at.  

Some days I say it's OK I don't have children, or at least anytime soon.  I told Bean years ago if we never have kids I'm getting my boobs picked back up once they begin to sag.  I think the surgery cost less than IVF.  I might even be able to get it done for free if I can convince my health insurance my real boobs cause me emotional pain.  Because it's not like infertility cause anyone emotional issues, ever.  No one gives a fuck about that.  But new plastic boobs, well can't have me crying and being self-conscious about the pair I have now, can we?

I fucking hate life.  

Source

And I don't think there is a God anymore, not that I was 100% sure to begin with.  There I said it, and offended a few people.  I didn't grow up with too much religion in my life.  But somewhere I got in my mind that if I pray enough everything things would be alright and whatever I needed would be given to me.  I did pray, many times.  I'm also done blowing out birthday candles, wishing on stars and throwing pennies into a fountain for the same wish.  I'm sick of answering the same thing each year when Bean asks me what I want as a gifts for holidays.  It's been years since I've asked for a gift other than "baby".  And yes, I equated blowing out candles to prayer.  If there is a God I'm pretty sure he despise me or something, and my feelings seems to be heading that way too.  It's going on three years, God hasn't answered my prayers yet.  Unless you want to count the time I did get PG and it was taken away soon after.  I'd honestly rather of never been pregnant to begin with than be pregnant for a month and lose the baby.  I loved my baby boy but there is pain even today.  I still don't make it a whole week without crying about it.  For Christmas this year I want a really expensive piece of electronics, not even sure what.  And for the birthday, just let me eat the cake.  Fuck you candles.  If I'm stuck on this miserable earth I might as well have fun.  God, we are done.  

Next up on the list of spontaneous and random ideas I have:  skydiving.

Sometimes I look at the last ultrasound photo I have of my baby and think of how beautiful he was.  You can't see his face, or arms or much of anything.  But for some strange reason I find that blob to be beautiful.  

-Selbe

Moving On

View of Seattle from ferry on the way to my IUI Saturday

I've been on the waiting list for my old job since June.  I listed my store preference as the local one about 10 minutes from here, and then my second choice much farther away as a back up (hoping I'd get picked up by the local one).  It had been about 60 days and no store took a bite at me.  Nothing!  I get priority over new hires and I'm sure each one of these stores have begun hiring for the holiday season.  At the end of the 60 days I got re-added to the wait list, for the same local store, another one father away, and their brand new store in Seattle.

Again the local store has blown me off.  They don't even return my calls.  I was beginning to wonder if my employee file was that bad.

Today I got a call from the store in Seattle and they want me to coming in Monday to talk with them.  

It's a hike to get there, but I calculated the price for public transportation and as long as I'm working at least two hours each shift it will cover it.  

I was in shock, this store is brand new (just opened less than two months ago).  And there are so many more people in Seattle.  

Cons:

• Cheapest way to get there is taking three forms of transportation
• To get there:
• Step one
• I can drive my car the 10-15 minutes to the ferry terminal. Cost: free, except gas.  I have to park my car at the terminal after this.  Cost $11/day  OR
• I can walk to the bus station 2 blocks from my house and take the bus to the ferry.  Cost: $2  But option is only available during morning and afternoon.
• Step Two
• Ride the ferry to Seattle.  Takes about 35 minutes.  Cost: free
• Step Three
• Walk the .5 mile (about 15 minutes) to the store.  Cost: free  OR
• Bus, takes the same amount of time as walking.  Cost: $2
• To get home:
• Step One
• Walk.  Cost: free
• Step Two
• Ferry:  Cost: $8
• Step Three
• Drive car home.  Cost: free  OR
• Bus:  $2
• Or I can get a monthly pass for the ferry, making it $16 a trip.  And hope the company I work for lets me park in their parking garage for free.
• Public transportation doesn't run on my schedule, I go by theirs.  The ferry can be a hold up, since the buses run off the ferry schedule they are in sync.  So my hour travel time might be longer with waiting around.

Pros:

• It's brand new, and coming from a newer store I'd rather go to a newer store
• It's one of three (I think) stores in the world like it.  It's a honor to work there.  (At least as far as retail stores go, but not for everyone else.)
• Opportunity of a lifetime.  
• It's a block from one of Seattle's largest tourist areas, Pike Place.
• I'll get to explore Seattle some more.
• They close earlier.

I'm not sure if I will take the job yet.  

I can't keep sitting around my house though.  I do have friends here, but not many and I don't expect them to want to hang out with me everyday.  My husband is gone and some days I don't leave the house at all, let alone talk to another human in person.  I dreamed of having a baby and staying home with him or her.  Watching him stand and teaching colours.  Bean is always gone, so I'm not going to drop my child off at daycare for the little time he has with a parent.  And I never planned to work during a pregnancy ether.  Not because I'm lazy, but because of my weak cervix and fear the baby is just going to fall out.  But I don't have a baby, and I'm not pregnant.  Looking into the future it looks like nether of those are going to happen anytime soon.  I need to move on.  Starting a family and being a mommy is a great dream, but it's not a dream that's happening right now.  

I always think of being in your 20's as one of two things: becoming a mommy, or partying all the time.  I've watched so many of my friends who are in the same age group get pregnant and give birth.  I very much wish I was with them, I'm envious of them.  But due to my infertility I can't join them.  (Unless someone just wants to hand me $13,000 for one cycle of IVF).  I almost feel like I'm held back.  I can't move forward with my dream.  I can't contribute to all the pregnancy talk (not like I fit in anyways) nor all the conversations that go with having a child.  I'm left out, even more so being a military wife.  There are events I go to where I'm the only one there without children.  I guess the other side is being a drunk.  I do like to go out and have fun, but I'm too old to do that all the time.  Where do I fit in?

I need to move on with my life NOT as the mommy-to-be I wish I was.

I refuse to test this cycle 'til at least September 25th.  I can't stand seeing anymore bare white test.  Or worse, imaginary lines that seem to exist in my head, in certain light, when I shake the test. I should have AF by the 25th anyways. 

-Selbe

Bleach Pen Onesies

Bleach Pen ($2.50 @ Target), dye in blue, green & purple ($2
 each & had a coupon @ Jo-Ann), and onesie (two packs of 4,
$8 each @ Target)

I dyed the onesies with the instructions on the packets.  One size is three months, the other is six months.  I never buy newborn clothes for obvious reasons.

Three month size.

The tie-dye ones were just leftovers and I used my amazing skills for.  All the rest were put it zip lock bags for a couple hours with the dye.  It's common sense after that.  Rinse them, put them through the washer a couple times, then the dryer.

Six month size.

Blue, purple and green seemed most gender neutral.   

Bleach pen doing it's job.

I put garbage bags on the inside so the bleach wouldn't leak to the other side.  The bleach sat for about a half an hour, then was raised and dried on my deck.  Then another trip through the washer and dryer.

End Result

Some came out better than others.  These were not all my ideas, most are similar to ones I found online.

-Selbe

Promises for the Future

The one positive I have to say from trying for a baby for an extended period of time is that I get to see what everyone else has done in their pregnancy.  Somethings I really like and would have never thought of that idea myself.  Pinterest has helped a lot with this.  And then sometimes I see things, and well, I promise myself I will never do.  

Things I will not do in future pregnancies:

Orange 3-D Ultrasounds

I like the 3-D/4-D ultrasounds and I do plan on paying out-of-pocket for one during my PG.  But why do they have to be orange?  It's like there is an Oompa Loompa in there.  I used hide under the covers when those creepy things came out to do their dance.  Unless my child has Jaundice I really don't think having them be orange is going to make me bond better.  I will change all those 3-D photos to black and white.  

Pregnancy Lineup

You know when they have all the preggos at the party or whatnot stand in a line for a photo.  Then everyone gets to compare the belly sizes and how many weeks along you are.  I don't mind belly photos in general and have no problem being photographed myself.  But don't make me stand in a line with other women like I just committed a crime and someone now needs to pick me out.  

I think deep down this brings out fear of being compared to others.  Not in the fat vs skinny way.  But that I'm not the same as them.  I had struggles, and they go much deeper than how big my bump is.

Rant - "It's in the Water..."

I HATE this saying.  Why do people have to equate a large number of women getting PG at once by saying something is in the water?  Do people really think there is something fucking in the water?  I know it's just a saying.  It just pisses me off when someone has zero knowledge of infertility says it to me.  Or any other crappy advice I'm given.  Old post but: 999 Reasons to Laugh at Infertility: There's Something in the Water

Name & Nursery Ideas

We thought of some more ideas.  Actually it was more me thinking of everything and my husband agreeing, for now. 

Girl - Pink & brown room theme, with owls.  Name:  Lillian Airi, or Arri

Boy - Blue & brown theme, with elephants.  Name:  never got that far

Lily, or Lillian, has been picked out for years.  Bean told me a long time ago that I needed to thing of an 'A' middle name so her initials would be LAB.  I'm not sure why.  It took me a year and a half to find Airi, and now he doesn't even remember the LAB idea.  Anyways good thing I'm infertile and had plenty of time to think of a middle name.

I'm hesitant to use owls because I know several people that have already decorated a child's room with them.  Owls = protection, elephants = good luck.  That seems fitting for any child of mine.

-Selbe

I've Changed

Source

I used to get excited for pregnancy and all things I could purchase for my new baby.  I'd start shopping and getting the nursery ready during the first trimester.  Family and friends would send me cute stuff in the mail.  Then there would be my baby shower and we would all welcome the birth.  Such a happy and excited time.

Two years later and one loss.  I've changed.

I regretted the fact I did buy a few small things for my first pregnancy.  Buying those things gave me hope.  Not matter how much hope you have it still can't change the future.   As a result I bought items and then my baby died.

I really don't see myself buying much early on during my next pregnancy.  The nursery will go unpainted week after week.  It's just not in me anymore.  There is a fear to getting excited and then having to come home without a baby.  Looking into the doorway at the nursery seems so painful.  Pregnancy is an exciting time, but it is also a time full of worrying.  

When I look at what is ahead of me with getting pregnant and then carrying a baby to term it feels like two large mountains.  The first is the fertility treatments to get pregnant.  The second is to get to 40 weeks (or somewhere close) with my damaged cervix.  I'm not sure how to climb up and over the mountains, yet I keep trying.

-Selbe

Future

Tomorrow morning is my next U/S with my RE.  I can't say I'm looking forward to it really, but I am eager to see the results.  I don't know if I want to see the screen or have them turn it away from the start.  I know from the second they put the wand in I'll know something is very different, or exactly the same as Friday.  I'll automatically see it blinking or not (heart).  I'll know without them even saying a word that my baby is gone.  Maybe it will be better that way.  Even though I feel this baby is already gone I want to find out the truth.  But right now there is a tiny chance I am still PG with a healthy baby in there, but after the U/S I'll know 100% for sure.  

I really just want to move on.  I don't feel like I can actually move on 'til it is physically out of me.  But when will that be?  When my body naturally decided, 'til the RE can schedule me for an D&C?  It could be days, or weeks.  I want it out NOW.  I want to move on now.  

Bean and I have thought of some things we could change for the next PG.

Future

Trying again:

• Both of us have decided we want to try again soon after this MC ends.
• Since this PG resulted from Vitex, Softcups and Preseed we are going to try that mixture again.
• If for some reason my Vitex has stopped working I will move to injectables in the next few months.
• My progesterone looked good each time I went in, so they said.  I don't think I'll need a progesterone supplement.
• My husband is scheduled to be gone long periods of time over the next couple years.  We might move to IUI with his frozen sperm so I don't have to give up all together during this time.
• I don't want to give up on this dream.

What I regret from this PG:

• I'm not upset I told people close to me.  It has actually helped me so I don't feel totally alone.  And having my coworkers know about the PG and now MC makes them understand why I haven't been there much this week and that I'm not a total flake.
• Being happy.  I'm so upset I wasted so much time and energy feeling happy after the TTC journey.  I have nothing to show for it.  Next time I'm going to ignore the PG (well not ignore ignore to the point of drinking alcohol & not taking vitamins) but put less happiness into it at first.  Till 20 weeks or 24.  But then I feel I'll miss part of it.  I don't know where I'm going with this.  I'm just angry I was so fucking happy for nothing. 
• Not having more photos or physical items to hold onto.  Then again there isn't too much you can collect in 3 weeks.  Maybe I'll get a babies first Christmas ornament for 2012 or something.  
• Buying things.  This goes with being happy and excited.  I'm not really too upset I bought some clothes.  I've always had a baby bin in the basement I toss things in.  And I'm a military wife so there is always some newly married youngest having a baby shower that I'm invited to.  I'll just give the stuff I don't absolutely love to them.  (I fucking hate baby showers.  Everyone always woos over the mum-to-be & I'm made to play that stupid don't say baby game.  I'm too bitter at most of them that I don't say much so I do pretty well at the game.)  
• Wasting my time researching products.  Although I know pretty much all the products I want for my newborn baby I am still unsure the actually brand and models (like carseat).  So I decided each week of my PG I would pick a product and research the best brands and features I want.  This week it was cloth diapers, and I narrowed it down to a couple brand.  Though now my research has changed from that to different types of abortions to have done.

Things I'll do different next time:

• Drink more water.
• Maybe more vegetables, though I don't eat that unhealthy anyways.
• Omega supplement I was suposed to look into but never got around to.
• Stop Vitex post O.  Though I don't think that will make much difference.
• Gym:  Probably nothing different there since I got put on restriction at 6 weeks.  I wish I had a healthy baby/reproductive system and could still work out light during my PG.  So many women don't do anything at all and I actually want to and can't.
• Notify work early early on just how high risk I really am.

Medical:

• Beta hCG BW I had done early on.  My numbers were amazing, like super amazing.  A 35 hour doubling time each time that set me up for a healthy pregnancy.  Except it didn't.  I don't want my beta done next time.  If those numbers mean MC then no number I ever get will be good enough.  I'd just rather not know.  Bean is on the fence since they tell if the PG is ectopic, which is still a risk for future PG.  Maybe I'll just have the nurse tell me "good" or "bad" instead of a number.
• Ultrasounds.  Bean says no more 'til much later on since they are just too painful.  I am still on the fence.

-Selbe

Random Update

This is going to be a random post of me ranting.  Some of it has nothing to do with infertility.

Facebook events for places I no longer live near.  I move around a lot so I have friends in many states.  Every once and awhile I get an invite for one of these events thrown by a friend or "friend" in a different state.  I don't mind one or two a year inviting me to your BBQ or birthday party.  But I'm talking about one or two a week inviting me to some event, usually a concert or those parties where they sell things.  I am not going to drive five hours!  Simple as that.  I have a job, life, sick pets and it's a really long fucking drive.  Not unless you are really special to me and it's an important event (wedding, baby shower, big birthday celebration, etc.) count me out.     

Facebook events for people I don't know.  We are scheduled to move soon and we have a 95% sure idea where we are going.  It's a place I've never been to and have very little knowledge about.  I joined a group for wives that already live there to kind of get to know the area.  One young mother invited me and all the other 300+ members of the group to her child's first birthday party.  She said she did it because she didn't know many people in the area.  I can understand that.  But 1. I currently live 3000+ miles away, 2. I've never met or talked to you before, 3. I've never met your child, 4. Inviting a large number of strangers to your house doesn't seem safe for you or your child.  I know living in a new area with no or very few friends does suck.  I've been there pretty much every time I move.  But I'm sure you can still give your child a good birthday even with just a few people or just the two of you.  

I hide preggos and new moms on Facebook.  I hide pretty much all the pregnant women, with the exception of two who I can actually stand.  I hate the constant updates about the baby.  Believe it or not I do remember you are pregnant and I don't need a reminder each day (or several times a day).  This is also for new moms that post updates and photos continuously.  Every once and while I go through and "unhide" the ones that I might think are safe now.  I did this yesterday, one is already re-hidden because I completely forgot she was one of those new moms.  

I hate people that bitch how horrible their kids are on Facebook.  I hate it even more when they get PG with baby #2.  This person needs to be deleted.  I grew up with verbal abuse, I know what it's like to be told what a piece of shit you are by your own parent.  This does not reach to that level but it still upsets me.  And that fact that they planned for another baby at a certain time AND actually got it.  I'm sure (and hope) they are not as bad of parents as they post in these status updates.  But still don't put those kinds of things for other people to read.  (I need to do a post about drug addicts, abuse, mistake pregnancy and God soon.)  

Asking me to vote in some Facebook contest.  I really don't want to be forced into voting for your child or pet.  Please stop sending me messages or wall posts because you've realized I haven't voted yet.  If I'm really super excited about the contest then I'll do it on my own time.  One person sent me a message asking me to vote for her dog in some halloween costume contest to win money.  The puppy has terminal cancer and needs money for meds.  That seems sweet and all.  But you know who else has terminal cancer?  My pet.  You know who else needs meds?  My pet.  Do you think most people give a fuck?  Nope.  Do you see people giving me money?  Nope.  Does this bother me?  Not at all.  Why?  Because he's my pet and my responsibly.  I knew when I got him years ago that he would eventually get old and cost me a lot in medical bills.  I knew that from the start.  I will never ask for money for medical bills or food for him.  (FYI if anyone ever does donate money to a person or shelter for animal medical bills, make sure you get the name of the vet they use and send the money straight to the vet with their account name.  Don't just send it to the person/shelter.)

The preggo at work keeps reminding me she is pregnant.  It's pretty fucking obvious.  I don't forget, in fact when I see her name of the schedule it's the first thing I think.  The other day she let me know that she keeps forgetting things because "only another 8 weeks to go!"  Well I forget a lot of shit too and I'm not even PG.  Yesterday I did a project for my class and completely forgot to hand it in.  What good that did.  I tried to be nice and ask about her fetus, but now it's all I hear about.  Sometimes I just put her on mute.  

Now I must sounds like a total fucking bitch that won't come to your events, your kids birthday party, ignores your fetus, newborn child and cares less about your dying pet.  I'm really not that bad. If I'm not close to you or your child then I tend to distance myself.  But if I haven't seen you since high school, you haven't called or texted me and the only commutation we've had is adding me as your Facebook friend then... And I donate a lot of animal shelters with pets that do have cancer AND are abandoned or abused.  I'm not totally heartless.

One of my pets passed away Saturday morning.  I've talked about Munchlet from time to time and his Insulinoma (mentioned above).  But this was another one, our only girl.  No health problems and here death was sudden.  She was fine Thursday, sick Friday night and gone by Saturday morning.  Bean and I both had to work early Saturday morning so we cleaned up her body before going in.  My eyes watered but I never cried.  Not sure why.  My tears are sometimes delayed because I don't 100% process something is gone right away.  Or maybe because Bean was crying and I had to be strong for him.  Or maybe I just wasn't that close to her.  Or maybe I've just been so busy with work and school.  Or maybe because I've been through so much this year and a half that I've learned tears will not fix anything.  But she's gone and I'm hoping to get some time off work at the end of the month to transport her body (which is currently in my freezer) to NY to burry her.  RIP Stinker 8.27.06 - 11.5.11 

-Selbe

CD25, 10dpo

Can't Wait to Buy My Own Baby

Source

A few of my friends have recently had a child or will be soon.  It makes me want to say, "I can't wait to have my own baby", but really I am thinking "I can't wait to buy my own baby".  Adoption or fertility treatments, nothing is free.  Unless of course I was a fertile.  Minus the initial investment in the $8 pregnancy test, everything is free to them.  And honestly I feel like I'm closer to adoption than conceiving my own naturally.  

I'm not 100% set in stone on it though.  I have two options for adoption, a newborn or an older child.

Newborn

I really want a newborn, I want to have a baby from the start.  Something I can teach from day one.  But a newborn costs a lot of money, about $20-30k according to Google.  And how would I feel about someone else carrying my child around for 9 months?  Would they treat it the same way I would have?  Did they do drugs?  What if it looks nothing like my husband and I?  Do we get our money back if the birth mother backs out?  There are too many questions and too many uncertainties.  

Older Child

Less money but still a long wait and lots of paperwork.  My mum left when I was 11 so I know what it feels like to be dumped like a child in foster care has been.  I can help.  I wouldn't want anyone else to go through what I have.  I feel at least I can save them.  This makes me cry but it's the truth and something that is always on the back of my mind.  

But I'll probably just hang out with the fertility treatments awhile longer.  I'm really awesome with needles, blood and pain so I'm a good candidate.  And it costs less than adoption (for now).  

CD17, OPK- (Umm ovaries are you even going to do anything this month?)

Brand New Car

2011 VW Tiguan

We replaced Bean's truck with a family friendly SUV this week.

Last weekend we went to a dealership that had one he liked.  I saw the price and told him I didn't want to drive it.  Yet I was forced to anyways.  End of story.  We filled out the paperwork and put in our color choice to have to car delivered.  I like the way it drives, it's fast and smooth like my little "sports" car.  The windows are large, I don't feel like the car is huge and if I take a turn too tight I'm going to drive into something (this is my biggest concern moving from a small car to a larger one).  It has a bunch of options so I'm cool with it.  We went to pick it up yesterday.

I used to always be afraid of ruining leather seats.  But I've since learned from my pets that cleaning piss, poop and vomit off leather is way easier than scrubbing it out of cloth.  A child and cloth seats is not an option.

I have a full size backseat and trunk now.  Four doors!

Panoramic sunroof!  Oh it's so huge and pretty.  Baby will get to see the clouds too.

I've never bought a brand new car before.  Like brand brand new with less than 100 miles on it after we left the dealership.  We're going to be paying for this forever.  But at least we got a 0% loan so I don't feel like I'm paying extra in interest for it.

It is amazing, the perfect family car.  This will get me pregnant.

Plus it's July and the tiger lillies are in bloom outside my house.  This is my all-time favorite flower.  Which also goes along with my girls name I already picked out.  I refuse to tell people what it is since I'm in fear someone will steal it from me, not like it's a rare name or anything.  

---

The full results for Bean's SA haven't come back yet. They did mark him down as having an vasectomy and then got confused when they saw some swimmers.  I guess that's a good sign that there's something there.  Hoping to find out how many and just how good they are at swimming next week.  

And it's back to timed intercourse and OPKs for me again this week.  

-Selbe

CD10

Pregnant Women are Smug

My biggest pet peeve (or one of them) with this whole IF thing: smug pregnant women and new moms.

The ones that believe the world revolves around them.  The ones that put themselves on a higher pedestal.  The ones that don't care about anyone else except their pregnant self.  The ones that are so fucking happy.  The ones that believe they weren't put on this earth to do anything else but be a mommy.

Well that's great for them.

But the world doesn't revolve around them or my IF self.  Most fertiles don't want to hear about anything IF related, and especially after they become PG.  The bubble seals and it's all about them.  This goes both ways.  I don't give a fuck about your pregnancy ether.  And especially if you don't care about anything I say.

Smugness goes both ways though.  I even catch myself now thinking that my future child will mean more than someone else's mistake.  Because I wanted it more, because I had more time to prepare.  Having a much smaller chance of conceiving I almost feel like my child is more of a miracle and worth more.  I know this isn't true yet I feel it anyways.  I'm going to turn into one of those soccer moms that thinks their kid is the best one out there.  At least I'm warning you now.

And a song that goes along with this post:

CD9

Oligomenorrhea: How I Got Here

Cycles since 2008

This post has a few TMI sections. You've been warned.

I say I have Oligomenorrhea but it is really just a symptom (like nausea), not an actual condition.  Under some definitions I'm even labeled under Amenorrhea.  I'm actually not labeled as any certain condition.  I've yet to have a doctor run enough tests to pinpoint my problem.   Sure I have mild PCOS but not enough for Metformin, and I have very few other symptoms.  Without BC, Provera or Clomid my cycles last 2 week to 7 months.  The days I bleed for can be 3 days to 3 weeks (but usually I'm around 4 days).

I wasn't always like this.  Hence why I am secondary, not primary.  I initially got my period when I was 11.  My mum was already gone by then.  At first I was embarrassed, I didn't wear any protection and thought I could "suck it up" back in me.

It sucks being a teenage without a mum.  My father didn't really know what to do with me so I was on my own most of the time.  I got teased one day in seventh grade for not shaving my legs yet.  So I came home and told my father that I wanted to shave them.  I heard I could do it with a regular razor blade (as in the ones that go in box cutters).  He allowed me to do it.   What a bloody mess!  Couple hours later I had only gotten the fronts and knees done (I wasn't sure if I was supposed to shave the backs).  There was blood running down my legs and I didn't wear shorts for a week after.  Lesson learned.

This wasn't the first time I tired I fixed something on my own.  My mum only left a few pads and I was too embarrassed to ask my father for more.  So I used rolled up toilet paper for years.  I guess I could say I didn't know any better.  Eventually I did get over my embarrassment.  I'm also really good at cutting my own hair, so good that now I'd rather cut it myself than go elsewhere.

Back to my story.  I used to have a regular period, much heavier and longer.  I was never able to pinpoint what day it was due, but I could at least know the week.  I was normal up until this point.  I had cramps (that I didn't know what they were at first.)  I had PMS the day before.  And I had hot flashes that would come on so quickly.  I'd end up on the tiled bathroom floor face down because I'd go from fine to burning up within seconds.  I was a normal teen.

After I turned 16 I missed a period.  No problem, I wasn't sexually active and I heard that sometimes happens when you're young.  I didn't think anything of it.  A couple months later I missed another, then a missed a couple in a row.  But I still didn't think anything of it and I kept being told I was young and it would fix itself.  That was a fucking lie.

The first time I saw an OBGYN was when I was 19.  I had no health insurance so it was just the local Planned Parenthood.  They did the basic Pap smear (this is when I learned I had dysplasia) and put me on birth control to fix my irregular periods and it's intended purpose.  Before they gave it to me I had to do a pregnancy test since I was already "late".  I told them over and over again this was normal.  I still had to drop my morning pee off in a yogurt container.  I freaked at the thought of this test, what if in some fucked up case I was actually PG?  But I wasn't and I got sent home with BCPs and that started my long history of side effects from them.

I spent years off and on BC trying to make my cycles regular.  But I could never stomach the side effects for too long and my period would go back to irregular soon after I stopped them.

This is how I got to where I am today.  Sometimes I even think if my mum was around she could have seen the problem sooner and it would have been fixed then.  Or maybe if I had health insurance I could have gone to a doctor.  I blame my mum the most though.  But you can't change the past, only the future.  I can't dwell on what could have been changed then.  No matter how much I want to change things I am not able to go back in time.  I can only change my future.  And my future is doctors appointments, fertility drugs and eventually adoption paperwork.  There is nothing I can do about it except suck it up and keep going.

If I even have a daughter she will never go through the things I have.  My children will be taken care of.

CD4, Clomid Day 3 (getting pissy, might want to ignore me this weekend)

Take, Take, Take

I only want one child.  I grew up as an only child and never really saw the benefits of having siblings.  With all the problems I have now, I feel it would be selfish for me to ask for additional child.

I have primary infertility.  I've don't have any children, never been pregnant, never miscarried.  Secondary infertility is when a couple has already conceived and carried to term.  Usually it is someone that has had zero problems conceiving previous children but when they try for another child it just doesn't work.  So they cross over to my side of the track.  I don't want them on my side.

I don't really sympathize with secondary infertility because of the place I'm in now.  Just one child would be considered a gift to me.  If a person has already been given the gift, then why ask for more?  Especially if taking fertility drugs and going through the procedures was required for additional children.   I'm just one of those people that thinks to be happy with what I have, not complain about what I don't.  I detest the complaining from those people, especially if it is all the feel bad for me crap.  You were already given something that other people are still praying for.  Be happy with the children you have.

If you've had IVF, etc. in the past to conceive and it was successfully, and want to do IVF for another child I have nothing wrong with that.  It is your money and you already know how gratefully you are to just have one child.  But it's those that have conceived all on their own perfectly the first time, but the second time comes around and they need help.  It's like the whole world is coming down and one needs to complain to everyone else how hard it is.

I joined an online forum awhile ago for the particular fertility drug I'm on.  I thought it would be a good idea to connect to other women in the same place as myself.  I was wrong.  Many of the women have secondary infertility (already have children) and have just gotten another BFP.  The forum is more depressing than I though this week.  

It even upsets me (but not as much) when fertiles talk about future children they plan on having.  If only it were that easy.  Oh what life would be like if I could plan everything out.  Every day when I wake up and right before I fall asleep I hope this will be my day/cycle.  That is all I can do.

PS I probably pissed a few people off with this post.  It is just an opinion.  With the shoes I'm wearing now this is how I view the world.  I'm sure there is at least one other person out there that feels the way I do.

CD29, 11DPO, -POAS (what's new?)

Dreams

I have many pregnancy dreams sometimes.  Since I've never been PG I don't see them as a sign.  Although I do believe dreams have some meaning.

My most recent dream was the other night.  I was at 4dpo and POAS (which happened to be the dpo I was at that day in real life).  Two were dipsticks, two digital.  The two dipsticks and one digital came back positive!  The other digital came back negative.  I don't remember feeling happy, but more pissed and cautious that the POAS (pregnancy test AKA pee on a stick) came back positive.  Fucking broken POAS.

Another dream I had two weeks ago I was out to dinner with another PG couple that Bean and I know (we know a lot).  The husband asked when we are planning on having kids.  Every IF favorite question!  I started crying.  I've never cried in a dream before.

Some of my PG dreams show me having a girl (the past year or two) or a boy (more recent).  Sometimes I'm early in the pregnancy, other times about to give birth.  I've even had them show labor and breastfeeding.  The common color is red, not sure if that's a good or bad sign.  I've heard of other people having similar dreams so like I said, I don't see them as a sign of anything.  But I do find them interesting.

PS New page showing the cost of being infertile.  My list is really short & I'm lucky enough to have insurance that has covered everything IF related so far.  But I thought it would be interesting to keep track.

CD23, 5DPO

Infertile Nesting

I'm not really sure what to call it besides nesting.  For pregnant women it is a time during their pregnancy when they clean and prepare for the arrival of their child.  Infertile nesting is when women that are having a hard time conceiving also prepare for the arrival of their child.  Except it is different where we subtly collect baby things, read website and books for pregnant women, and spend time on the Babies"R"Us website picking out crib bedding.  I've honestly done every single one of these things.

My Baby Bin

And then we turn to the preggo next to you who is only about 12 weeks along and are astonished that they haven't picked out a crib yet, baby names, finished their birth plan or finished book X yet.  And then think, "What the hell, are you going to sleep through your whole fucking pregnancy?"

Yup, that's an infertile mind.  Probably because we've had months or years to plan for our future child.  We tend to get around to more stuff than in the standard 40 weeks.

Sorry.

PS I survived baby shower #2, in case you were wondering.

CD22, 4DPO 

Question of Why

Source

When we try to understand things, whether we believe in God, the universe or whatever, we always ask why.  Why do some people want children so bad but can't have them?  Why do some have miscarriage after miscarriage?  Why do some have to go through procedure after procedure and give themselves shots in the ass for a tiny glimmer of hope?  And then you look at the other side of the track.  Why does the crack whore mum on welfare get five kids?

I really don't know why.  I try not to ask myself "why me?"  I figure it does no good.

There have been quite a few losses this week in the IF blog community, ones that were far past the 12 week safety period.  These women that have gone through multiple treatments and miscarriages.  They now have nothing to show for it.  Yet fertile mertile Betsy flys past with her three kids and prefect pregnancies.  We ask why some have it so easy while others do not?  For the rest of us it makes us super conscious of what could happen if we ever were to get a BFP.  And the last thing you see is an infertile announcing their pregnancy at Facebook at 4 weeks when the pee stick is still wet.

Every once and awhile I ask myself why my body has been so fucked up the last 10 years and why I still have problems.  All I can think of is that it teaches me to appreciate my future child more and be a better mother.  Not saying the fertile mertile doesn't love her children but you get the idea.  That's how I deal.

PS Two week wait!  Trying to fill the time so no one has to hear about the made up PG symptoms I find for the next 13 days.

Tie-Dye & Baby Showers

I made it through baby shower #1 with zero tears.  I admit I had a pretty pissed off morning.  Bean slept in and he probably did himself more good than he realized.  As soon as he got up I asked him to fix the convertible roof on my car.  That was really an unrealistic goal since it only works about 15% of the time.  But he was out in the driveway for awhile and eventual got it to work.  I made my way to this baby shower with my bad mood in tow.  As the time went on it got slightly better.

Baby shower #2 is this coming weekend.  Different person but with  the military we breed like rabbits (except for me of course).  I call it the "train".  Military wives always get pregnant in packs.  They don't plan it that way but with work schedules and I guess luck it works out.  My ovaries always miss the memo to get on the train so yeah...  I don't mind so much.  But kind of a shitty reminder when you're invited to 15 baby showers in one month (OK exaggeration there).  I know I'll miss many more trains in the future.

If I ever get pregnant I will have a baby shower.  Or even if we decide to adopt, I want a shower.  I don't care if I have to throw it myself and two people show up.  I will have a baby shower.  So I get ideas from everyone else's showers to use for my own.  I guess that's the benefit of going to them.

I have a love for tie-dye, or anything with bright colors.  I've wanted to dye onesies for awhile now but I've never really had a reason to since I don't have a baby.  And if I went out to buy a bunch of onesies to tie-dye randomly my husband would for sure thought I lost it.  So I have held off.  Until baby shower #1 which gave me the perfect excuse.  Last weekend I dyed three packs for baby clothes ranging from 0 to 9 months.  I kept about half of them which are now in my "baby bin" in the basement.  My non-existant child can now be a hippy like mommy.  

CD16, OPK-

My Future Children

This is probably one of many future posts just like it.  After watching other parents and my own I have created a list of how I want my own child raised.  Some are good things that I see, some are bad.  So here's the list from the infertile with no kids.

1.  Education.  I want to teach as child as young as possible.  I actually can not wait for this.  I'm not going to wait 'til pre-school or grade school for someone else to start teaching them.  I also graduated from the public school system and have no problem enrolling my child in it.  But if I feel s/he isn't getting an adequate education then I will pull them from it for private or home schooling.  Education is everything and you will go nowhere without it.

2.  Preservatives.  If the food doesn't go bad soon after you buy it then it's probably not good for you.  I very rarely step foot in a chain grocery store.  My fruits, vegetables, meat and bread come from a small market that has lower prices and the foods taste better.  Unfortunately since I try to limit foods with preservatives I am often there several times a week.  I buy organic when it's available and at a low enough price.  And frozen dinner don't happen around here.  My child will not be eating cheese puffs and McDonald's regularly.  That stuff is garbage.  I also hope my child isn't a picky eater like myself (although it will probably happen.)

3.  Limited TV.  Television shouldn't be babysitting your kids.  We don't watch much TV around here and only have one TV in our house.  It's small and in the corner of our living room.  We do have cable but it is a very basic package and I honestly haven't watched it in months (I should just cancel it.)  Most stuff on TV is junk and I feel like I've lost brain cells watching it.  

4.  Bedtime.  I often walk into a store like Wal-Mart at 11PM and find people actually bring their kids out at that time.  Why is there no bedtime?  I can see maybe once in a great while when they are sick, you have no one to watch them and cold meds are needed.  But even then I don't see myself doing so in a tube top.

5.  Open Sexuality.  I want to be close to my child about everything.  I don't care if they have sex.  But my son will be given condoms and my daughter will be put on birth control.  My child will not be another 16 and Pregnant.  

6.  Hold My Child.  I honestly can not wait to hold my baby for the first time.  I never want to let them go.  I was never touched much growing up.  Very few hugs, kisses and "I love you" are rarely said.  I want to change that.  

7.  Abuse.  I also grew up with physical and verbal abuse in my home.  My child will not see that.  And I will be proud of them no matter what.

8.  Creative.  I hope they are creative like me.  I love to sew, paint and take photos.  I want to teach all those things to my child.

9.  College Fund.  It will be started ASAP after I'm pregnant.

10.  Disneyland.  For their 5th birthday.  I always loved that idea.  I didn't go my first time 'til I was in my teens so I'd "remember" it.  But there is something about going when you're young and everything is still magical.

CD13, OPK-

Selbe VS. the Baby Shower

Source

Even after all that I've been through and my current state I really don't hate baby showers.  I've read other IF blogs and have seen their hatred towards them.  But I don't feel that way.  Sure the games are lame.  And I spend the other half of the time watching someone else open their gifts.  But I get free food out of it and maybe a prize if I win one of those stupid games.  I honestly don't mind going.

But there are some days I just feel like shit.  I don't give a crap about your unborn baby or your children.  I just want to be left alone and if you talk to me you probably won't like what I have to say.  Those are the days you stay away from me.  Those are the days you don't invite me to a baby shower.  

The next baby shower is early June.  I was kind of looking forward to it, and then my second round of Clomid ended with a BFN.  I'm going to try to make myself look presentable and happy.  But I have no promises.  All I can picture is a house full of pregnant women and moms, and then me on the side.  I've got nothing.  Even if I had a few words to add to their conversation I would just get thrown to the side anyways because I'm not a mom.  Therefore I have no right. 

I emailed the person throwing the shower to let them know I might not stay the entire time and might be out of it.  I figured that's the least I can do.

And I'm not going to Babies"R"Us or even the Wal-Mart baby section to buy gifts.  They are getting a gift card.  It's just too depressing, plus I'd end up buying all the cute stuff for my nonexistent child.  I made a rule awhile ago that I can not go into the baby section.  I can walk around the outside of it and look in.  Occasionally judging the women shopping in there.  But I can not go in until I have a BFP.  Sorry!

CD4

Pregnancy Lies

I joined a military wives forum a couple months ago.  Even though I've been with my husband for years, I still don't know everything about this way of life.  The military acronyms are often worse than the TTC ones.  But I love to help the new wives and girlfriends as much as I can.  And I'm all about giving out the real truth rather than the sugar-coated crap.

The website has a TTC forum along with a "Bun in the Oven" one.  I usually just hang out on the TTC side (pretty obvious there), but the other day I took a trip to the other side.  And I saw this post at the top:

"Those announcing they are pregnant!!

Due to the past situations with people lying about their pregnancy there was a rule put into effect. The rule was when posting a pregnancy test you must either be in the picture or show the newspaper of that day or something along those lines...  Well now we really can't use this rule and not put another rule into effect along with it.  That rule is, you aren't able to share your pregnancy stories, or news that you are pregnant without showing some kind of proof."

I was taken back by this.  Who lies about a pregnancy?  And why does one need to share their piss dripping HPT to be included?  I can slightly see where they are coming from, however, for the most part if made me upset.

Being a military wife is like being in high school.  It's all about being part of some clique.  Many of these wives are so young, much younger than myself.  All they want is to join some group where they are accepted for awhile until they are thrown out like some piece of shit.

Tip to Young Women: Go to college and make something of yourself (preferably before you get knocked up).  That way when something unforeseen happens to your husband or you catch him fucking one of his female co-workers (and he doesn't let you join in) at least you can take care of yourself.

CD22, OPK given up on

Overqualified

How to Become Fertile 

Warning: This will probably offend some people.

So Bean and I drove past the local waterpark on the way to dinner the other day.  They had their "now hiring" sign out for summer.  I should apply and sell tickets, or serve ice cream. Even though I'm way overqualified.

Overqualified.  I started thinking about certain fertile people and began wondering how they do it, getting pregnant and all.  Now these are not observations about every parent and pregnant women, nor are they describing a particular person.  But small things I've seen in my life that are not what I would want for my child.

I've come to the conclusion I'm doing this all wrong.  So I wrote some tips for myself so I can become fertile too.

Get a Minimum Wage, Unskilled Job or Go on Unemployment
I could do this.  I'm going to apply at some fast food restaurants or other jobs that pays minimum wage.  I'm thinking I'll only work 20-25 hours a week so I can spend the rest of the time playing video games and partying.  Since I won't have enough money for anything else, I'll have to drop my health insurance. Don't worry, once I become pregnant the government will provide me with free insurance.  Along with food, rent, etc...  Life is good on welfare.

Eat Less Healthy
Who need fruits and vegetables?  Say hello to junk food and tons of preservatives.  Once I'm dead my body won't even start to decay for awhile.  Like a Twinkie in a landfill.  Fetuses don't need vitamins and nourishment, they need preservatives and crap.  I'm canceling my gym membership too.

Lots o' Alcohol
Oh I don't think I can drink like I'm in college anymore.  But I'll give it a try...

Cigarettes & Drugs
This isn't going to work.  I'm pretty against smoking and any type of drugs.  All I got is some leftover liquid codeine from my last surgery.  Hardcore...

New Baby Daddy
It's not the 50's anymore, no one cares if the baby is born out of wedlock.  I'm thinking maybe someone I just met at a bar or the local Denny's.  But I already fucked this up by getting married.  I'll have to pretend my husband is some new guy when I BD him.  His swimmers will work harder at trying to find my egg then.

Shithole Apartment
This three bedroom house with it's huge yard and playground is too nice for a kid.  I need a crack whore apartment on the wrong side of town.

No wonder I'm infertile...

PS I really did meet my husband at a Denny's.  Thought I'd sneak that in there.

CD14