Game Over

IUI #1.5... failed.

After five days of spotting and calling up the RE with the WTF question it finally came.  I would count Friday as CD1 but my flow didn't pick up 'til really late at night, so today it is.  I can't start my new cycle of meds 'til Monday anyways.  

My husband got deployed last week.  In the last couple months he had frozen sperm incase IUI #1 #1.5 didn't work.  Which is great now because I can use it and be the talk of every bored military wife if it does work.  The bad thing is that frozen sperm doesn't always hold up as well as the fresh stuff.  Many die in the freeze and thaw.  We also have low count to begin with.  Plus we can't get extra sexy time in before and following the IUI like last time.  The odds are not in our favor.

My Choices:

1. Pay $10k at least and have IVF done at a doctor outside of the military, going ahead of the military wait list.
2. Do IUI #2 with frozen sperm.
3. Do nothing.

I'm going with the second one.  We have two vials in storage, enough for two IUIs well he's gone.  Tentatively mid-September for #2 and mid-October for #3.  I'll put TTC on hold after October.  If the thaw for IUI #2 is really bad then I'll just stop there.  

For IUI #2 I'll start Femara Monday, U/S around the 7th and IUI around the 11th.

I did cry when I knew this didn't work (which has been several days now).  It was more of a combined cry with my upcoming due date (another post).  Which is now CD1!  It's hard for me to understand 1 egg to 13 million sperm in such a small place.  Where does it go wrong?  Not one of those fucking 13 million could find the egg?  

IUI Success Rate - Source

I'm getting rid of baby aspirin also.  Not sure if it helped my follicle grow or if it was all Femara.  I had 10mm follicle with 6mm lining on Clomid.  Compared to 17.5mm follicle with 8 mm lining on Femara.  But if I do crappy on my next follicle scan they'll just move me to injectables like I've been asking for anyways.  All I will waste is time.  That is fine because my race to get pregnant by the end of 2011   have an apocalypse baby   to give birth in 2012    to get pregnant before my due date to beat the deployment is over. 

Normally an RE will tell you your best chance of success from IUI will be in the first three cycles.  Not saying it won't happen, just less likely.  Depending on why you think the IUI failed, how hopeful you are and the price difference between IUI vs IVF, this can move up or delay IVF.  Or in my case a really long wait list, cheap IUI and nothing but time to kill.  I will probably make it to 5 or 6 IUI (if unsuccessful) before IVF.

Deployment

As for my husband's business trip I don't know where he went or when he'll be back.  We have very limited contact.  No Skype, Facetime, Internet, phone call, text messages, snail mail or emails.  I can send him 10 messages the whole deployment and each has to be under 50 words.  Good ol' family grams.  Each one is read by someone before it is sent off, and then read aloud in front of a bunch of people before it is given to him.  Not much privacy there.  I can't say anything too depressing or it won't get sent, or too much "code" text.  And he won't respond to any of them, ever.  There is nothing I can do to get him to come home early, except for maybe dying.  I'm on my own.  I also have a lot of free time.

Etsy

I re-listed a bunch of my old stuff I made on Etsy.  Only thing that really sell is my small animal bedding sets, which goes for about $30 a set.  I'm paid by PayPal for everything, which I then use to buy other things online.  I feel like I get things for free that way.  Problem is I don't put much effort into it.  If I made new bedding all the time and advertised I'm make a lot more.  Right now I get about five orders a week.  

-Selbe

Bleach Pen Onesies

Bleach Pen ($2.50 @ Target), dye in blue, green & purple ($2
 each & had a coupon @ Jo-Ann), and onesie (two packs of 4,
$8 each @ Target)

I dyed the onesies with the instructions on the packets.  One size is three months, the other is six months.  I never buy newborn clothes for obvious reasons.

Three month size.

The tie-dye ones were just leftovers and I used my amazing skills for.  All the rest were put it zip lock bags for a couple hours with the dye.  It's common sense after that.  Rinse them, put them through the washer a couple times, then the dryer.

Six month size.

Blue, purple and green seemed most gender neutral.   

Bleach pen doing it's job.

I put garbage bags on the inside so the bleach wouldn't leak to the other side.  The bleach sat for about a half an hour, then was raised and dried on my deck.  Then another trip through the washer and dryer.

End Result

Some came out better than others.  These were not all my ideas, most are similar to ones I found online.

-Selbe

Switch to Femara

New Meds for a New Cycle

I called up yesterday for my Provera refill and the Femara.  I actually got ahold of a real person on the first try.  The wait to get blood work this morning was just as long as normal.  This is for my monthly pregnancy test "just in case".  I didn't even call back for the results.  And the line of the pharmacy was surprisingly short.  Even the old guy next to me said he didn't even have enough time for his usually nap while waiting.  

Tomorrow I'll start Provera for the next five day.  I'm prescribed for seven, but I don't get my period any sooner with seven or ten.  

Then around August 1st I'll start Femara 5mg, standard five days like Clomid.  I believe 5mg is the middle dose, I've also seen 2.5 and 7.5mg prescribed.  

My first ultrasound will be around the 10th.  

Lets just hope my ovaries do something.

I increased my Met a couple days ago to 1500mg.  I'm not feeling all that hot but not throwing up ether.  < Lack of vomiting, this is my positive thinking for those that believe I lack it.

Cervix

My pap smear from April-ish came back normal, I will avoid dysplasia/cancer for another year.  The letter I got in the mail said for me to book another one in two years, yeah that's not going to happen.  After everything I've been through with my cervix I don't trust it that much.  I'll call up next spring for another one.  

Creative

Bean's work schedule has been hectic lately, even more so in the next week.  Last night he got home at midnight (goes into work at 6am), and I expect the same for tonight too.  I'm trying to find things to keep me busy.  I have a bunch of guy shirts Bean gave me that I love, but they are guy shirts.  They don't fit boobs and curves.  I have to take a couple of them in.  Along with my own shirts I have to take in. 

I saw some cute baby onesie/bib ideas on ThinkGeek and Pinterest I want to copy.  Maybe I'll do that next week.

PS Victoria's Secret is having a swimsuit sale.  The website is dangerous, I just spend $120 on 4 bottom and 2 tops.  But it is a good deal, if anyone needs a new one or five.

-Selbe

AF Doesn't Give Warning When Visiting

I'm just not good with changes in my hormones.  Birth control, Clomid, whatever, it tends to equal nausea, and sometimes vomiting or dizziness.  Maybe I just have a weak stomach.  But when I get a BFP I'm sure morning sickness will come find me with force.

I remember one day last cycle I woke, drove to the car dealership, sat in their waiting room for an hour and was still nauseous.  I ended up taking Dramamine is fear of vomiting all over the show room carpet.  *sigh*  Yesterday (CD26) I went on a whale watch.  I don't know what I was thinking.  For those of you that haven't been on a whale watch before, small boat way out in the ocean for several hours tends to equal sea sickness.  I forgot about this until I got on the boat and left my Dramamine (something I carry everywhere with me, along with the pocket vibrator & Basic Instinct) at home.  If anyone is going to be vomiting over the side of this boat, it's going to be me.  I spent five hours bobbing up and down in the ocean and I didn't even get the tiniest bit nauseous.  What the fuck?  I don't think my hormones are up to par this cycle = Clomid didn't work.

Whale Watch! These are actually
Atlantic White-sided Dolphins. 

TMI warning.  Last month a friend asked what signs I have that AF is on her way.  Umm what?  Normally nothing.  My cramps don't start 'til after I start bleeding, and I don't get sore boobs or anything along those lines.  Just one random day my underwear feels wet.  A trip to the bathroom shows bright red blood everywhere (I ruin many pairs of panties this way.)  Sometimes I get psyched out by an abundance of CM or lots of sweating.  AF shows up when my uterine lining becomes too heavy for my uterus to support.  I have no warning.  Except with hormones.  BC I get angry three days before.  Clomid I get the nauseous, sensitive nips and off & on cramping the two weeks before.  Not sure if these things are a blessing or a curse.

CD27

I'm a Mean Person

I saw this on the Facebook page yesterday for 999 reasons to laugh at infertility:

"Another pregnancy announcement on Facebook. First illogical thought was 'but she just got married...""

Oh the number of times I have thought that very thing.  I have a wide range of thoughts to the sight of a FB announcement, an PG announcement anywhere, or just seeing a pregnant women in public.  Some of these are things I thought of way before I was IF, so I know I'm not the only one.  Others have just made themselves a lot worse with infertility.

• "They just got married."  - WTF?  Do you know how long I've been off birth control? How are they even that quick?
• "They've been married way less time than us." - This is for anyone married after August 8th, 2009 at 4:30pm hawaiian time zone.
• "They aren't even fucking married". - I don't care how long your boyfriend/fiance have been TTC for.  Even though it's 2011 the thought of having a child out of wedlock still doesn't seem right to me.  I guess I'm ol' fashion.
• "She already has (X number of) kids."
• "Are they looking to be the next 19 Kids and Counting?" - BTW, I hate this show, but still watch it from time to time.
• "Seriously fucking again?"
• "She's too young to have a kid." -  For pretty much anyone ~25 and younger.
• "Oh... they're so much older." - Chances of convincing decreases after age 25, 30, 35+.  What's my problem then?
• "Least my child will know mommy has a college education."
• "My husband is older than your husband/boyfriend/fiance/random one night stand."
• Smoking? Illegal drugs? - Smoking also decreases fertility. 
• Getting pregnant on birth control, while using a condom, and the pull out method. - How is that even possible?
• "But they are overweight/underweight?" - Menstrual irregularities are linked with being both under and over weight.  So many IF are told to gain or lose weight to increase their chances.  I sometimes think this is a line of bull since my problems started when I was 105 lbs and continue no matter how fat or skinny I am.  That and I see women way more obese than myself PG.  Sorry to say!  So am I really too fat to have a baby?
• "How do they plan on taking care of this baby if they cant take care of the one they already have?" - Or their cat...
• "Looks like I'm paying for yet another one of your kids."
• "How are they even going to afford this baby?" - Babies are expensive, and I have a good idea how much your husband and you make.  I have an even better idea if you work with my husband.
• "Where are they even going to keep a baby in that apartment?"
• "How did you not know you were pregnant?" - Coming from the person that has taken probably 40 PG tests in the last few months.
• "But you already have an amazing/huge family..." - Two things I don't have.  I can't wait to have my own family.
• "Fucking breeders."
• "How come people can't figure out birth control pills? There's little arrows, take it the same time, EVERY day.  How hard is that?"
• "Congrats." - Only once this has happened to another women I know who was TTC for while and I knew had a miscarriage recently.  

Most of these things are mean.  I judge and compare to myself to see where I fit in.  Or maybe just rationalize why I would be a good parent.  I'm not really sure.

I notice my tolerance in PG women is decreasing.  Ones I see walking around, not ones I know personally.  I wore shorts for the first time in years today.  I really don't like my legs and only bought them to make Bean happy.  Oh course they are super short since that's the style right now.  During my trip to the market and Target yesterday I noticed quite of few people looking at my legs.  Not sure if there is something wrong with my legs or my shorts are really too short.  I saw a very young PG women looking at them as she shopped with her boyfriend.  I immediately got angry and thought, "don't look at me bitch, my body looks better than yours will be for a long time."  As I was leaving I drove past them in my convertible with the top down, and they drove away in their beat up Ford Focus.  Karma got the best of it though because it started raining half way home.  This seems to be the way I cope with my own IF.  The "fuck you" approach.  

A couple weeks ago I posted my goals for this cycle.

1. Paint pottery once a week. - Ok I've done this about every week.
2. Draw each day. - Never even started this.
3. Gym (or some kind of exercise) at least every other day. - Really good at this one.
4. Wake up each day and say today will be a good day. - Forgot about this.
5. Drink more water (less of the flavored/carbonated stuff). - Lots of water/flavored water.  Very little soda and carbonated water.
6. Be nice to those around me, especially the preggos. - Umm read the previous paragraph. 

I actually go to the gym pretty much every day.  I really like the gym, always have.  Sometimes I have to drag myself to get dressed and in the car, but once I get there I'm fine. I do 30 minutes on this elliptical type machine.  And then 15-30 minutes of strength training for my legs, arms or abs.  Plus the gym has better TV channels than I do at home so I'll bounce around on the elliptical or treadmill for an hour or two if there is something good on.

CD23, still no sign of O

Goals for Next Cycle

Source

I have some goals for next cycle to keep my sanity.

1. Paint pottery once a week.
2. Draw each day.
3. Gym (or some kind of exercise) at least every other day.
4. Wake up each day and say today will be a good day.
5. Drink more water (less of the flavored/carbonated stuff).
6. Be nice to those around me, especially the preggos.

CD27, 9DPO

Infertile Nesting

I'm not really sure what to call it besides nesting.  For pregnant women it is a time during their pregnancy when they clean and prepare for the arrival of their child.  Infertile nesting is when women that are having a hard time conceiving also prepare for the arrival of their child.  Except it is different where we subtly collect baby things, read website and books for pregnant women, and spend time on the Babies"R"Us website picking out crib bedding.  I've honestly done every single one of these things.

My Baby Bin

And then we turn to the preggo next to you who is only about 12 weeks along and are astonished that they haven't picked out a crib yet, baby names, finished their birth plan or finished book X yet.  And then think, "What the hell, are you going to sleep through your whole fucking pregnancy?"

Yup, that's an infertile mind.  Probably because we've had months or years to plan for our future child.  We tend to get around to more stuff than in the standard 40 weeks.

Sorry.

PS I survived baby shower #2, in case you were wondering.

CD22, 4DPO 

Tie-Dye & Baby Showers

I made it through baby shower #1 with zero tears.  I admit I had a pretty pissed off morning.  Bean slept in and he probably did himself more good than he realized.  As soon as he got up I asked him to fix the convertible roof on my car.  That was really an unrealistic goal since it only works about 15% of the time.  But he was out in the driveway for awhile and eventual got it to work.  I made my way to this baby shower with my bad mood in tow.  As the time went on it got slightly better.

Baby shower #2 is this coming weekend.  Different person but with  the military we breed like rabbits (except for me of course).  I call it the "train".  Military wives always get pregnant in packs.  They don't plan it that way but with work schedules and I guess luck it works out.  My ovaries always miss the memo to get on the train so yeah...  I don't mind so much.  But kind of a shitty reminder when you're invited to 15 baby showers in one month (OK exaggeration there).  I know I'll miss many more trains in the future.

If I ever get pregnant I will have a baby shower.  Or even if we decide to adopt, I want a shower.  I don't care if I have to throw it myself and two people show up.  I will have a baby shower.  So I get ideas from everyone else's showers to use for my own.  I guess that's the benefit of going to them.

I have a love for tie-dye, or anything with bright colors.  I've wanted to dye onesies for awhile now but I've never really had a reason to since I don't have a baby.  And if I went out to buy a bunch of onesies to tie-dye randomly my husband would for sure thought I lost it.  So I have held off.  Until baby shower #1 which gave me the perfect excuse.  Last weekend I dyed three packs for baby clothes ranging from 0 to 9 months.  I kept about half of them which are now in my "baby bin" in the basement.  My non-existant child can now be a hippy like mommy.  

CD16, OPK-

My Future Children

This is probably one of many future posts just like it.  After watching other parents and my own I have created a list of how I want my own child raised.  Some are good things that I see, some are bad.  So here's the list from the infertile with no kids.

1.  Education.  I want to teach as child as young as possible.  I actually can not wait for this.  I'm not going to wait 'til pre-school or grade school for someone else to start teaching them.  I also graduated from the public school system and have no problem enrolling my child in it.  But if I feel s/he isn't getting an adequate education then I will pull them from it for private or home schooling.  Education is everything and you will go nowhere without it.

2.  Preservatives.  If the food doesn't go bad soon after you buy it then it's probably not good for you.  I very rarely step foot in a chain grocery store.  My fruits, vegetables, meat and bread come from a small market that has lower prices and the foods taste better.  Unfortunately since I try to limit foods with preservatives I am often there several times a week.  I buy organic when it's available and at a low enough price.  And frozen dinner don't happen around here.  My child will not be eating cheese puffs and McDonald's regularly.  That stuff is garbage.  I also hope my child isn't a picky eater like myself (although it will probably happen.)

3.  Limited TV.  Television shouldn't be babysitting your kids.  We don't watch much TV around here and only have one TV in our house.  It's small and in the corner of our living room.  We do have cable but it is a very basic package and I honestly haven't watched it in months (I should just cancel it.)  Most stuff on TV is junk and I feel like I've lost brain cells watching it.  

4.  Bedtime.  I often walk into a store like Wal-Mart at 11PM and find people actually bring their kids out at that time.  Why is there no bedtime?  I can see maybe once in a great while when they are sick, you have no one to watch them and cold meds are needed.  But even then I don't see myself doing so in a tube top.

5.  Open Sexuality.  I want to be close to my child about everything.  I don't care if they have sex.  But my son will be given condoms and my daughter will be put on birth control.  My child will not be another 16 and Pregnant.  

6.  Hold My Child.  I honestly can not wait to hold my baby for the first time.  I never want to let them go.  I was never touched much growing up.  Very few hugs, kisses and "I love you" are rarely said.  I want to change that.  

7.  Abuse.  I also grew up with physical and verbal abuse in my home.  My child will not see that.  And I will be proud of them no matter what.

8.  Creative.  I hope they are creative like me.  I love to sew, paint and take photos.  I want to teach all those things to my child.

9.  College Fund.  It will be started ASAP after I'm pregnant.

10.  Disneyland.  For their 5th birthday.  I always loved that idea.  I didn't go my first time 'til I was in my teens so I'd "remember" it.  But there is something about going when you're young and everything is still magical.

CD13, OPK-

Keeping the Swimmers In

I said I'd give Instead Softcups an attempt for TTC since they got great reviews on Early-Pregnancy-Tests.com.

I had two fears of these things.  1. That is would act more as a diaphragm than an $8 IUI.  2.  It would turn into a huge mess.

And this is the part of the post that becomes TMI.

I have to keep this device in arm's reach during sex.  I can't really go looking for it after the act because...yeah...  So it sits on the bed next to me bouncing up and down having a great time with us.  Bean is honestly grossed out by the idea but he deals.  After we are done my butt is lifted high in the air to keep everyone in.  Getting it inside me really isn't that hard.  With my own fluid, lube and semen it slides right in.  The hardest part is trying to "scoop up" the swimming as it's inserted.  

I started using it CD10 just for practice.  After I put it in I just laid in bed for awhile in fear it would leak.  I actually think I just fell asleep.  It didn't leak at all and I took it out 8 hours later.  I tried pulling it as I was sitting down so I wouldn't dump the cup but I couldn't get my finger under the lip to pull.  So I tried standing up.  Of course I broke the seal and dumped it.  Everything that was in it was now all over my bathroom rug.  But I was surprised that it actually held and there was extra sperm, Pre-seed and fluid in the cup.

On CD11 it was also used.  A little bit more sperm can out while trying to insert it.  After 5 minutes of laying there I got up to pee with no leakage.  Everything was good except I did wake up in the middle of the night to find a small wet spot.  I removed it after 10 hours.  There was less than the previous day but I still dumped it and a good amount came out.

This is the stupidest idea ever but it might actually work.  So it gives me some hope.

If nothing happens this cycle then Bean is going for SA (Semen Analysis).  Dr. S has already asked me twice to have one done and I really should now that I O (sometimes) especially since I'm sure our insurance covers it.

I brought myself to paint pottery after my allergy shots today.  Painting usually puts me in a better mood.  My sleep schedule has 

improved compared to the 15 hours a day of sleep I needed for awhile.  Not sure if it was my allergies, one after another colds I had all winter or what that caused it.  I only need the standard 8 hours of sleep lately and I'm way less run down.  I now have tons of free time that I'm not sure what to do with.

CD12, OPK-

Random Update

Bean and I spent a good portion of the weekend arguing.  I'm angry and depressed because I'm broken and he just doesn't get it.  I told him I was pissed because it's so frustrating trying to get an appointment at the new GYN, among other things.  So he offered to call Monday morning.  Of course by Monday I forgot all about it.  But he did get me an appointment for early next week.

Along with being an GYN mess, I'm also made myself a regular at the ENT (Ear, Nose, & Throat or Otolaryngologists).  I've managed to collect problems in all three of those categories.

Ears - Both conductive & sensorineural hearing loss.  Not sure the cause but I had ear infection after infection as a child. Also have ETD (Eustachian Tube Dysfunction) & a family history of hearing loss.  Both grandparents were deaf.

Nose - Oh snotty nose!  Bring the allergies on.

Throat - Tonsillitis & I share a long past.  After my tonsils swelled almost completely closed several times in college, they were removed when I was 21.  No problems since. 

I had allergy testing a couple weeks ago.   After going for the results last week I learned I'll allergic to everything they tested me for.  Including trees, grass, weeds, cotton, puppies, kitties, mold, dust and the American cockroach (so gross).  I'd go live in a bubble but I'm probably allergic to that too.  *sigh* I start allergy shots soon.  But my hearing has gotten slightly better.  The ENT is still talking about putting tubes in my ears to even out the pressure from ETD.  I feel too old for ear tubes.

My blood pressure dropped from 140/90 to 115/80 since stopping Microgestin. Yay!

---

Last year when Bean was deployed I started painting pottery.  I always liked ceramics in high school but never liked actually working with the clay (it was always so messy).  This is perfect since I really just liked painting anyways.  So now I have a house full of things I painted.  Bean told me he likes my painted bowls and plates over the actual matching set we own.  But he might of just said that to make me stop crying over said brokenness.  So now a couple times a month I go back to paint until I have a baby, gain my sanity back, or we just don't have room for anymore (I put my money on this one).

I need a more irresponsible look on life too.  It seems to work for everyone else.  I have three piercing in each ear along with a short lived (rejected) navel piercing a couple years ago.  I decided to have my navel re-pierced this past weekend.  Why?  I've always liked them, even with the slut stereotype.  My stomach already has several scars on it so it's not like I have that much to lose.  Not too many people actually see my stomach (or would want to) other than Bean.  It was my random idea a month or so ago if Clomid #1 didn't work.  I'm actually glad I did.  It has been way less painful than the first time I had it done.  

Clomid Fail

I tried but I guess my own ovaries didn't.  I charted the temperatures, did the OPKs (sometimes twice a day), used saliva ferning, poked at my cervix, and playing with my CM.  I even tried looking at every tiny symptom I've had as possible ovulation.  The nausea, headaches, pains in the side and the cramping.  And I've got nothing.  Sometimes I think it's been so long since I actually ovulated on my own that I no longer know what I'm supposed to be looking for.

Today is CD20 I finally called the GYN thinking, "what the hell?" I really just wanted an appointment for blood work or something.  They said I ether already ovulated at some point or I'm not going to this cycle.  The nurse told me to start taking HPTs (home pregnancy test) in a few days and stop the OPKs.  I have to call back up if my period is late.

The word "late" is not in my menstrual vocabulary.  At least it hasn't been in the last 10 years.  Late to me would be a cycle lasting longer than 8 months, and by then I probably would have figured out I was pregnant long before.  The nurse told me since my last cycle was 28 days long (because of BCP) that means I'm late after 28 days.  Umm ok?  Whatever, 28 is a short cycle for me and I only have a week before calling back up.

I don't really trust doctors of any kind.  I've had a lot of bad experiences. Most of the time I just feel that I get pushed around.  Dr. Google and I spend most our time together researching different drugs and procedures.  Now I just write down what I want done, and hand it to the doctor at the appointment.  I feel I get the most accomplished that way.

Fucking raisin ovaries, I wish you would come back from vacation so we could get something done.

PS The photos are from a school project I did today on depression. Hey I'm good with that topic!

Hidden Text:  York Hospital OB/GYN, Surgical & Midwifery Associates, Kent Scherr, M.D, Dr.,

Drawings

The last few months have sucked.

This was going to be a post about a bunch of different random topics.  But after five paragraphs about the same thing I decided to leave the other stuff for a different day.

I moved to a new state last summer, only about 3 hours from the last place we lived.  Originally I was all for the move.  I moved here with a bunch of women I was previously friends with, group move for my husband's job.  So the movers came and took all my things away to delivered in our new home.  Bean's job made him be away for over the first month so I was stuck in the middle of nowhere programing my GPS for the local Wal-Mart.  My "friends" began dropping off the face of the earth.  My pell grant dropped me for school, which means I now have to pay a lot out of pocket.  My mum visited in September & then fell down a flight of stairs right after arriving.  Long night at the ER and a broken wrist later... Then my pet got diagnosed with cancer in October.  His surgery was for December but that fell through when the x-ray came back showing he had an enlarged heart.  After finding out (what felt like) everyone I knew was pregnant and my own missing AF, I decided to make an appointment with a new doctor.  I realized I'm way more broken than I thought.  My "Welcome to (this awesome new state)!" package got pissed on.

After feeling like shit and another argument with Bean about who knows what, he dropped me off at the therapeutic pottery painting studio.  I had nothing I really needed to paint, my house is already filled with tons of cute figurines and bowls.  I picked a small tile and decided to paint that I was feeling instead.  Although what I painted wasn't pretty, it seems to make me feel a little better.

But pottery painting is expensive and I can't have a million little tiles all over my house.  Honestly the one I painted is not something one would display to guests.  Ummm... errr...  So I bought a sketch pad and began drawing how I felt instead.  It really began to help, although the first month most of the drawing were pretty depressing.  Most show some sort of infertility issue, female nudity and/or abuse from my past life.  However, I feel better now.

One morning I woke up from a dream I was having.  It was of myself during natural childbirth and breastfeeding my future child.  It wasn't a scary dream at all, it was a happy one.  I drew what I saw in the dream, post-labor with my new baby.  I've never been a fan of fertility drugs and treatment.  I realized I would never get a chance to experience that happiness if I didn't stop dragging my feet and a least give the drugs a try.

So that is how I got where I am today.

PS My drawing are not that great.  I only took one drawing class in college and I almost failed it.  This is as good as it gets, the others are way worse.

PSS I added some new about me-ish pages on here.

CD10