Monday, March 28, 2011


How to Become Fertile 

Warning: This will probably offend some people.

So Bean and I drove past the local waterpark on the way to dinner the other day.  They had their "now hiring" sign out for summer.  I should apply and sell tickets, or serve ice cream. Even though I'm way overqualified.

Overqualified.  I started thinking about certain fertile people and began wondering how they do it, getting pregnant and all.  Now these are not observations about every parent and pregnant women, nor are they describing a particular person.  But small things I've seen in my life that are not what I would want for my child.

I've come to the conclusion I'm doing this all wrong.  So I wrote some tips for myself so I can become fertile too.

Get a Minimum Wage, Unskilled Job or Go on Unemployment
I could do this.  I'm going to apply at some fast food restaurants or other jobs that pays minimum wage.  I'm thinking I'll only work 20-25 hours a week so I can spend the rest of the time playing video games and partying.  Since I won't have enough money for anything else, I'll have to drop my health insurance. Don't worry, once I become pregnant the government will provide me with free insurance.  Along with food, rent, etc...  Life is good on welfare.

Eat Less Healthy
Who need fruits and vegetables?  Say hello to junk food and tons of preservatives.  Once I'm dead my body won't even start to decay for awhile.  Like a Twinkie in a landfill.  Fetuses don't need vitamins and nourishment, they need preservatives and crap.  I'm canceling my gym membership too.

Lots o' Alcohol
Oh I don't think I can drink like I'm in college anymore.  But I'll give it a try...

Cigarettes & Drugs
This isn't going to work.  I'm pretty against smoking and any type of drugs.  All I got is some leftover liquid codeine from my last surgery.  Hardcore...

New Baby Daddy
It's not the 50's anymore, no one cares if the baby is born out of wedlock.  I'm thinking maybe someone I just met at a bar or the local Denny's.  But I already fucked this up by getting married.  I'll have to pretend my husband is some new guy when I BD him.  His swimmers will work harder at trying to find my egg then.

Shithole Apartment
This three bedroom house with it's huge yard and playground is too nice for a kid.  I need a crack whore apartment on the wrong side of town.

No wonder I'm infertile...

PS I really did meet my husband at a Denny's.  Thought I'd sneak that in there.



  1. OMG I love this!! Just subbed ;)
    Thanks for your post on my blog, sounds like we have a similar attitude about things.

    Duuuude, Denny's is awesome. That is too funny!

  2. Not offended at all! I read this to my husband. I thought it was hilarious. Him? Not so much. He said it sounds like the same things that I've been going on about for two years. I thought it was brilliant. :-)

    Hang in there!

  3. Love this!!! :) And obviously from my post yesterday I agree 110%!

  4. I've thought all of these things! Don't forget going back in time and being 16. That's a sure fire way to get preggers!

  5. Maybe I should just act irresponsible like a 16 year old. That's another goal in my life that will make me fertile.


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