Unsure

I just don't feel anything this cycle.  Maybe it's just the mindset I'm in, or the fact I didn't have much hope even from the beginning of the cycle.  Maybe I somehow cursed it into not working from the start.  But I don't feel like my body is doing anything.

My saliva ferning has been going crazy since I O'ed last cycle.  All through my 2ww, AF and up until now.  I'm not sure what that means besides that I have a lot of Estrogen in my system.  My cervix was soft all week, but now has gone back to being firm again.  It's currently CD14.  My first AO (anovulatory) cycle that I tracked it went from soft to firm over and over again so that concerns me.  My OPKs are still really light too.  Those are my biggest worries.  That and I don't feel anything like cramps.  So I'm worried this will be another AO cycle.

I'm also worried because this is my third cycle on Clomid.  If I do the standard six cycles this means I am already half done and I feel like I've only made a tiny step forward.

I'm unsure about my doctor.  He seems nice and does whatever I ask for the most part.  But every pregnant women I know also goes to that office.  It's just a standard OBGYN and they can only do so much for me.  Any blood work or ultrasounds I need I am sent to the hospital next door since they can't do those things in-house.  I think I have moved to the point of needed an RE instead, especially if this cycle is AO.  I'd love to have the mid-cycle U/S to see if these ovaries are actually doing anything.

I threw two forks at a wall last night (no damage) after getting pissed at Bean.  Then I cried with my irrational thoughts for an hour before falling asleep.  I woke up this morning and also cried in fear of an AO cycle.  I'm trying to pull it together for a friend's baby shower this afternoon.  I know it's supposed to be a happy time for her but I also don't want to be a crying, snotty mess.  And I'd prefer not to show up intoxicated.

CD14, OPK-