Friday, March 25, 2011


The last few months have sucked.

This was going to be a post about a bunch of different random topics.  But after five paragraphs about the same thing I decided to leave the other stuff for a different day.

I moved to a new state last summer, only about 3 hours from the last place we lived.  Originally I was all for the move.  I moved here with a bunch of women I was previously friends with, group move for my husband's job.  So the movers came and took all my things away to delivered in our new home.  Bean's job made him be away for over the first month so I was stuck in the middle of nowhere programing my GPS for the local Wal-Mart.  My "friends" began dropping off the face of the earth.  My pell grant dropped me for school, which means I now have to pay a lot out of pocket.  My mum visited in September & then fell down a flight of stairs right after arriving.  Long night at the ER and a broken wrist later... Then my pet got diagnosed with cancer in October.  His surgery was for December but that fell through when the x-ray came back showing he had an enlarged heart.  After finding out (what felt like) everyone I knew was pregnant and my own missing AF, I decided to make an appointment with a new doctor.  I realized I'm way more broken than I thought.  My "Welcome to (this awesome new state)!" package got pissed on.

After feeling like shit and another argument with Bean about who knows what, he dropped me off at the therapeutic pottery painting studio.  I had nothing I really needed to paint, my house is already filled with tons of cute figurines and bowls.  I picked a small tile and decided to paint that I was feeling instead.  Although what I painted wasn't pretty, it seems to make me feel a little better.

But pottery painting is expensive and I can't have a million little tiles all over my house.  Honestly the one I painted is not something one would display to guests.  Ummm... errr...  So I bought a sketch pad and began drawing how I felt instead.  It really began to help, although the first month most of the drawing were pretty depressing.  Most show some sort of infertility issue, female nudity and/or abuse from my past life.  However, I feel better now.

One morning I woke up from a dream I was having.  It was of myself during natural childbirth and breastfeeding my future child.  It wasn't a scary dream at all, it was a happy one.  I drew what I saw in the dream, post-labor with my new baby.  I've never been a fan of fertility drugs and treatment.  I realized I would never get a chance to experience that happiness if I didn't stop dragging my feet and a least give the drugs a try.

So that is how I got where I am today.

PS My drawing are not that great.  I only took one drawing class in college and I almost failed it.  This is as good as it gets, the others are way worse.

PSS I added some new about me-ish pages on here.

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