Sick & Emotional

I haven't been feeling all that well lately.  I was sick with a cold all last week but that was pretty much has ended.

Monday morning I woke up early for my interview in Seattle.  I got out of bed and my stomach really hurt.  I tired to get dressed and put makeup on anyways but found myself dry heaving.  I ended up laying on the bathroom floor because I couldn't stand without getting sick anymore.  After awhile of that I had to get up, but didn't last long before throwing up.  Since I spent so much time sick I was late getting out the door, and then late getting to the ferry.  Which I then learned it left without me.  I figured there was a reason I shouldn't have went.  I called the company and rescheduled for Friday.

Tuesday I was fine but Wednesday I woke up sick again, no throwing up though.  I can't pin it on something I'm eating.  My boobs got really sore Monday morning too.  I figured nothing of these things, just wishful thinking.  Plus it's way to early for morning sickness, I'd be like 3 weeks along.

Yesterday I came home after visiting with a friend to watch the episode of The Office where Michael Scott leaves the company. (I watch everything on Netflix so I'm always a couple seasons behind.)  I was teary eyed the whole times.  And then the airport scene at the end I began crying!  WTF, it's a comedy, and I never cry during sad movies or love stories.  

Then I got sad my puppy figured out his doggy door.  He's going to be 11 months on Friday and he's growing up so quick and he's not going to need me anymore and...  

At that point I realized there might be something wrong with me.

The top left Wondro is the original image on my cell phone, the rest are edits.

Same, top left FRER is the original.  The second line isn't that visible with the FRER.

This was on a 2-3 hour hold in the evening, not FMU.

These are at 13dpt, 11dpiui, 10dp trip to location X, and anywhere from 12 to 10dpo.  I don't really know, I had to look all that up since I wasn't keeping track.  I wouldn't even know my EDD, May, March, June?  I try not to remember anymore.  I'll try another test with FMU.

So ether my trigger is still in my system, these tests are broken, or I'm pregnant.

-Selbe

11dpt/10dpo

Trigger still in my system.

-Selbe

8dpo

9dpt 8dpo dpiui

Trigger is still hanging out.  Should be another day, two max, before it's completely out.

BBT is looking somewhat normal.  The reading come out better when I do them vaginally, not orally.  Is that an implantation dip on 7dpo?  Probably just wishful thinking.

-Selbe

7dpo

Trigger Shot 2dpt - 8dpt

I'm half way through my two week wait.  It's too early to tell if it worked or not.

Hormonally, I am pregnant.  Thanks to the trigger shot, which contains hCG hormone, same found in pregnancy.  I have been testing out my shot and right about now (8dpt) it should leave my system.  But my HPT do still have a faint line.  If I'm PG then: A. the line goes away and then comes back or B. the line never goes away but keeps getting darker.  I'm sure some of my symptoms are coming from the hCG injection.

Some things have been happening with my family that have been keeping me busy.  Nothing bad, just stuff that I can't post here for a little bit.  

Do I think I'm pregnant?

Yes - It's IUI, the sperm and egg are perfectly timed.  How could one not be PG?  I know a few people that got PG with their first IUI.  My boobs are not sore.  Nibbles a little perky, but boobs as a whole, nothing.  My boobs are always sore within a couple days of O.  Except the month I got my BFP, sore boobs didn't start 'til 11 or 12dpo.  This happened to my friend too.  Sore banger every month, except the month she got PG.  I was dizzy at the store tonight, really dizzy.  Maybe it happened a few other times too, but not as bad.  And lots of cramping down there.  It's feels like AF is coming and I even went running to the bathroom on the ferry the other day because I was so wet down there.  Today there is cramping too but it feels a little different, and more towards the right side.  I had a luteal phase dip in my BBT this morning.  I am pretty tired also.

No - You know I'm really not a lucky person.  The timing is too right in our life.  Sometimes people have to do IUI after IUI.  My acne is bad too.

-Selbe

My Apple Juice is Pregnant

The Anonymous Pregnant Person

I love Pinterest.  I pin random crap for the twins I am having soon.  Nursery, baby shower ideas (not sure if I'm even having one yet), and maternity photos.  And then other people repin those things and I'm like whatever.  Every once and awhile I see someone repin my pin and I don't recognize their name.  So I'm like who the hell are you?  I check their profile and just see it's some random person on the Internet because that's how Pinterest works.  And there it is, their profile picture.  Big belly and all!  Meh they are pregnant.  I kind of feel... I don't know.  They can actually use this idea.  And I'm not pregnant with my future twins yet so I am way a head of myself planning.  Which is awesome because I'm not waiting 'til last minute like this 8 month along anonymous pregnant person.  Though since my last loss I have no interest starting a nursery 'til at least 30+ weeks.  But I did pin a bunch of stuff on Pinterest which makes me much farther ahead than anonymous preggo.  Selbe = amazing.

It Is The Squeaky Wheel That Gets The Grease

I'm not really one to draw a lot of attention to myself.  Even as a child I was this way.  It's usually other people in my life that are attention whores and I like that most of the time.  As I've mentioned on this blog from time to time, please don't pity me for my infertility or any other crap that has happened in my life.  I don't want people to feel sorry for me.  I'm here to tell my story so I can help others that are going though something similar (now, past or future).  And for the people that are affected by infertility threw a friend, daughter, sister, whoever.  Infertility isn't something you "get" until you stepped in the shoes yourself.

Every once and awhile I hear someone (person A) tell me a story of a friend or relative (person B) they know.  The story is about how bad they (B) have it and this person (A) feels awful and pities them.  This happens for all different things but lets use infertility as an example.    So they (A) start talking about how this person they know (B) has to have lap surgery, or an HSG.  Or maybe just basic Clomid or trying for a "really long time". Something that I've already been through.  And I stand there listening to sentence after sentence of pity and how horrible it is.  I don't know if I should bring out my own squeaky wheel and be like, "well I've had an HSG myself and blah blah blah it was so much worse."  Then this person will feel bad for me too... maybe.  Or maybe they'll bring up another point of why the other person (B) has it way worse than me, something that usually is bull shit.  I've realized I don't like people feeling sorry for me and I'm a crappy squeaky wheel.  Most of the time I say nothing at all except for the occasion "umm OK".  Looking like a heartless bitch is better in my eyes than a whiny bitch.  

But I really do want to say an HSG or whatever it is really isn't the worst thing in the world.  There are many other things and people that have it worse.  If I'm going to have pity for someone it is going to be them instead.

Sometimes I think people don't realize there really is worse out there.

Or those people that purposely want others to feel bad for me.  I don't know how they can live with themselves.  Grow some ovaries.  

Current Cycle

CD67, longest cycle in over a year and half.  I finished my Provera the other day and my EDD for AF is June 19.  These menstrual cramps suck. (Who would of thought you could have AF cramps without AF?)  My boobs are also sore from this cycle of Provera, which makes sense since it's progesterone.  Provera has never given me sore boobs before.  

My Apple Juice is Fertile

On one of my forums a member posted how they tried a home pregnancy test in a few types of juices.  I decided to give this a try also in apple, orange juice and tap water.

Top: Apple Juice
Middle: Orange Juice
Bottom:  Tap Water

Congratulation apple and orange juice!  Tap water... well another round of fertility meds for you and I.  

I'm not sure what is in the juice that it is picking up hCG hormone.  Whether it is naturally in it or something added.  If anyone has the answer let me know.  Anyways it's kind of gross that pregnancy hormone are in juice. 

-Selbe

Estrogen to Progesterone

Nothing good, nothing bad happening.  I think I might have ovulated?  My current chart is here.  My Ovacue marked me down as ovulating 2/13, which was CD19 for me.  For the vaginal sensor it is supposed to drop in numbers before ovulation (240, 226, 213, 179, 135).  Then rapidly increase in numbers as ovulation starts to happen (266, 320, 396).  This shows the switch from estrogen to progesterone production.  So Ovacue is 100% sure I ovulated.  

OPKs are not so sure.  Wondfo brand is pretty dark, maybe even positive.  So I will ovulate soon or just did.  First Response is really light, no ovulation there.  And Clearblue digital yes or no is saying negative too.  I didn't test on CD18 so I might of missed it.  

Top: Wondfo hCG pregnancy test -.
Middle: Wondfo LH ovulation test +.
Bottom: First Response ovulation test -.

Line is gone or pretty much all the way gone on the home pregnancy tests.  My next beta is in the morning.

Captain Optimistic:  This probably won't be my month.  That would be too prefect.  My body doesn't do prefect.  I did think the other day my back hurt at work "like I'm pregnant."  Silly thought went away quick.  It's probably just from standing in one spot for 8 hours doing the same movement.  

At least the Ovacue is following some sort of trend.  Anything is better than the BBT (basal body temperature). 

They are still unsure what is wrong with my dizziness.  My primary doctor said there was fluid behind my right ear, but not infected.  He gave me M for the vertigo and sent me to my ENT.  My ENT saw me today and she couldn't find any fluid.  She narrowed it down to two things.  A.  I have some sort of infection in my nose.  I'm normally a snotty mess all the time thanks to my allergies.  In December I got pregnant and stopped my allergy shots.  My nose began bleeding, which is normal in pregnancy so I didn't think anything of it.  Well having the bleeding for so long, the usual snot in the nose, plus breathing in whatever germs I do working with the public, they think I might have developed an infection.  Only myself this would happen to.  Which is now bothering my sinuses and ears.  They took a sample of nose snot and are running it for bacteria.  I have some nose cream antibiotic for now.  Along with nasal rinse and nose spray to help heal the bleeding.  B.  They hooked me up to the middle ear analyzer.  Right ear was fine, left wasn't even on the chart, so not fine.  Possible something wrong with the eustachian tube.  

Valentine's Day was good.  My husband is working a horrible shift at work right now so I don't see him much.  He got me some candy, card and roses.  I got him an iPhone 4 (he had old 3G that was really slow, and 4s didn't seem worth the money).  And then the ferrets and dog a toy.  Bean took me out to dinner at a diner when he got home at 2AM. Nothing too special, but it was still a good day/night/morning.

-Selbe

Ovulation in the Future?

CD14

Or maybe just a false alarm?

Today would be CD14 today, from my surgery.  Which isn't accurate.  I don't think I'd actually ovulate this soon.  

My Ovacue is looking amazing.  Decreasing and increasing where it should be.  Almost perfect for someone with a regular cycle.  I figured it would be all over the place like an anovulatory cycle.  Right on time at CD14-ish.  Ovacue is telling me I am going to ovulate soon.  Darker the blue, closer to ovulation, 'til it turns pink/purple.  The falling purple dots (vagina sensor) tell so too.  If they start going up quickly then I've ovulated.

I decided to give an pregnancy test (HCG, pink) a try.  I didn't hold my pee in for an length of time, in fact I don't really know how long it was.  And I took it at night.  The pregnancy test had a faint positive, the lightest I've seen since December.  I decided to try an OPK (LH, blue).  Really positive.

This is probably a fake though.  I found this site about LH and hCG hormones and why my OPK is lieing to me right now.  OPK's as HPT's: using an ovulation test to confirm pregnancy:

"...OPK's detect LH (luteinizing hormone) which is the hormone associated with ovulation. Pregnancy tests detect hCG, the hormone associated with pregnancy. LH and hCG are, at a molecular level, nearly identical. hCG has a beta subunit, meaning it has an extra little "doodad." To use a stupid but easy to understand example, LH and hCG are identical twins, except that hCG wears a funny hat.

An OPK tests only for the part of the molecule that LH and hCG have in common (the "face" or "body" of the identical twins.)...

So an OPK will turn positive when it detects either of the "identical twins"-- ovulation or pregnancy hormone. 

The reverse is not true, however, because an HPT tests for the part of the molecule that is unique to hCG (the "hat.")...

Therefore, a pregnancy test will turn positive only in the presence of hCG, whereas an OPK will turn positive in the presence of hCG or LH. ...

Additionally, OPK's are not as sensitive as a lot of HPT's are. This means that, if pregnant, you are likely to get a positive HPT earlier than you would get a positive OPK. ...

...if you are comparing a sensitive (20 mIU) OPK to some less-sensitive HPT's (sensitive to 25-50 mIU) then yes, it's true an OPK may turn positive before an HPT. ... 

Finally, research has shown there are actually different kinds of hCG. In some cases (most common in early pregnancy, or in pregnancies with chromosomal abnormalities) the hCG molecule may become "nicked" or "cleaved" (partially or completely separating into its alpha and beta units.) Ovulation tests may not recognize (cross-react) with all types of hCG molecules, and may be falsely negative during pregnancy. ... 

At the end of the day, a positive result on an HPT means you are pregnant. A positive result on an OPK could mean you are near ovulation, pregnant, or the test is picking up an entirely different hormone or element. Or it may be negative even if a woman is pregnant. With a positive HPT there is no doubt; a positive OPK may provide a clue, but doesn't really give you an answer for sure. ...

...some women have experimented with the principle that an OPK, even if it's negative, will become increasingly darker if she is pregnant. ..."

Long story short my OPK is picking up on the lingering hCG and LH hormone in my body.  Not just the LH like it should.  Although there is a chance it is a true, or close to, true positive.  If it was positive and only picking up on LH and maybe a little hCG then it will get darker and darker over the next few days, then lighter and lighter.  If it was picking up on LH and hCG then it would just get lighter and lighter.  I don't think I have the patience to test it out so we will go with it as being a false positive.  I'll put more faith in the Ovacue or just wait for my period.

The bleeding from my D&C ended sometime last week.  Overall it was a lot less blood than I was expecting.  Today I noticed some brown spotting and tonight I'm having menstrual cramps.  I feel like I'm getting my period.  My D&C was two weeks ago.  Not sure if this is the lingering effect of the D&C, or my period coming early.  This is the most cramping I've had since the hours after surgery.  

Loki graduated from his puppy class.  He does have eyes, he's just scared of everything and closes them when the flash goes off.  The world is scary when you are only 3 months old.

-Selbe

It's 9AM Somewhere

CD8

"You never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have." - My new favorite quote.

One week post D&C.  I feel fine.  My RE told me no sex for 7 days.  I made it 6 days 'til the night before and told Bean a couple hours will not hurt, and that it's 9AM somewhere (about the time my D&C was done).  I got my way.  The bleeding had stopped the day before and there was no pain.  I did have a little bit for red blood after the act but that has since stopped too.  

My biggest issues are 1. dizziness; 2. exhaustion.  The dizziness has good and bad days.  I'm trying to suck it up.  Exhaustion is from high pregnancy hormones still in my body, everything I've been though physically and mentally, and from my really bad allergies that are at their worse this time of year.  And I'm really stubborn sometimes so it is hard to get me to sit down and rest.

PG test week after D&C

My next hCG beta blood test is in the morning.  This will tell me much how much pregnancy hormones are still floating around in me.  Hope for low numbers, probably will not happen though.  My pregnancy tests are still coming out really dark.

I returned to the gym tonight.  I was watching a show about weight loss (TLC show, My 600-lb Life) via gastric bypass surgery.  The women had become pregnant after losing all this weight.  My first thought is this show sucks now as they showed how excited they were at ultrasound #1.  But then the baby's heart stopped and it showed her going for a D&C.  I can relate now.  The husband came on to say how long they were trying for and how happy they were, only to have it ripped away so soon.  Unfortunately this is an all too common story.  Not sure if the D&C was all hyped up for TV, but I handling it way better than this women.  I had no tears surgery day, in fact I was smiling because this crappy road was coming to an end.  I knew my baby was gone and there was nothing that could be done.  There is no point in carrying my dead child around in the uterus any longer, it was time to move on.  And I sure as hell wasn't laying in the backseat of the car whining in pain or crying the whole way home.   So if you are scheduled for a D&C don't watch that episode.

Loki on Graduation Day

I watched another women at the gym tonight.  I always want to know what others are lifting so I can compare myself.  My arms are a lot weaker than the rest of my body, 30-90lbs I can lift.  Next my abs, 70-90lbs.  Then my legs, 130-230lbs.  I'm not super skinny at all.  I'm 5'1", 150lbs. and my BMI is around 28 which puts me right under obese.  (Stomach 7 weeks pregnant.)  I haven't been to the gym in weeks due to being on restriction and so tired.  When I see women similar in size and age to me, but lifting way less, taking huge breaks between reps, texting, and most likely not one week post surgery, well I don't feel so crappy.  

My little puppy finished his first obedience class on Tuesday.  He turned 3 months old on January 21st.  It was only the really basic puppy class.  He learned sit, lay down, come, and stand.  I got him at 7 weeks old and signed him up for classes before he even came home (I wanted to be prepared).  So he had a hard time concentrating in the class since he is so young.  I felt bad for the trainer since a few of the classes he just wasn't with it.  But this week he graduated.  Bean and I took him to pick out a toy for his present.  Well $20 bucks later he now has a new favorite toy with many "indestructible" squeakers. *sigh*  Least he's happy.

-Selbe

August 25th, 2012

Today I started out by calling my RE.  I wasn't able to get ahold of the nurse until a few hours later.  Since I'm on a natural cycle, not a medicated one, they are unsure that they can monitor me.  If I was on Clomid, injectable or did IUI, IVF then they would monitor me up to about 12 weeks (early appointments, blood work, ultrasounds).  Then I would get sent to my old OBGYN.  They are still trying to get a hold of my insurance company about monitoring me.

I also called my PCM (primary doctor, military medical center).  They do pregnancy tests without appointments.  Oddly enough Bean had an appointment in the same building at the same time so I had to lie why I was there.  My trip to PCM was LONG:

1. I walked up to the desk and they sent me to the nurse down the hall.  
2. I had to wait about 5 minutes to get in to talk to the nurse.  
3. Talked to the nurse for 10 minutes while she took down all my infomation. 
4. I got sent downstairs to the lab to pee in a cup (I guess they don't do blood betas there?)
5. Back upstairs to spend 15 minutes in the waiting room.
6. Back to the nurse and had to wait 5 minutes to see her.
7. She started talking about the baby and eating right, blah, blah.  My response: "wait is it even positive?"  She kind of skipped over that part.
8. I listened to her talk for about 30 minutes about basic pregnancy facts.  All stuff I already knew.  And then put it all in a folder from me to take home.  
9. I filled out a survey about my medical history.  Ectopic pregnancy, STDs, abnormal paps, genetic history.  
10. I was sent back to the waiting room from 20 minutes for my PCM doctor to review it.
11. Back to the nurse and she explained the referral out to the OB.  Normal referrals take a week or two to process, then however long until the OB feel the first appointment should be.  She explains to me that I'm consider high risk and I'm going to be seen a lot sooner.  
12. Downstairs to the refferals office.  There was already someone in front of me so I went to sit in the waiting room down the hall.  I went to check every so often and then to find out someone cut infront of me.  I just spent over two hours being passed from office to waiting room and my paitence and energy was beginning to wear thin.  
13. Refferals office called the OB for me.  They wanted me to come in tomorrow but I already have to work.

The due date they marked down is August 22nd, 2012.  This is from my LPM (last menstrual period) on November 16th.  If you go by the day I ovulated on, December 3rd then my due date is August 25th instead.  That seems like it would be more accurate.  

I'm 4 weeks, 2 days.

My first OB appointment is Wednesday morning (4wk,4days).  My refferal paperwork states: "LMP 16 Nov 11. EGA (estimated gestation age) 4+5 weeks Infertility pt with HSG Oct' '11 demonstrating "scarring of right tube". Please eval for IUP (intrauterine pregnancy) vs ectopic in this high risk patient."  Since my lap surgery showed a lot of scarring of my right fallopian tube the risk of ectopic is higher than normal, if I ovulated from my right ovary.  They are rushing to get me in sooner rather than waiting a few weeks.  Ectopic would mean I'd have to MC, naturally or with drugs.  And it can cause a lot of problems for me if it is not caught early enough.  I'm pretty sure it's not ectopic, most of the pain I've felt is from the left side, not right.  I knew I'd be high risk for a long time.  My cervix is a mess too. No surprise there.

16dpo @ FMU

16dpo @ FMU

16dpo @ 11PM

-Selbe

4wk, 2day

POAS #2

I held my pee in from 4-10:30pm.  That's hard for me, I always have such a weak bladder.

First Response Early Result - 15dpo @ PM

I did another of the same brand I did this morning.  Still +, even with night pee.

First Response Early Result - 15dpo @ FMU & PM

Comparing FMU (first morning urine) at 9am to PM (night pee) at 10:30pm.  Slightly darker.

Early-Pregnancy-Tests.com - 15dpo @ PM

These are supposed to be really sensitive, but the line is still faint.

Wondfo - 15dpo @ PM

Again supposed to be sensitive, but faint line.

Digital POAS test require more hCG hormone to pick up a +.  Many times they are - at first.  I bought a bunch LAST December and this was the only one I had left, so I gave it a try.  And results are:

e.p.t® Digital - 15dpo @PM

Sad thing is these are all ones I already owned in my house.  I still have a zip lock bag with many more.  

The Baby Psychic I used last July told me August would be my month. 

LMP (last menstrual period) - I'll be due August 22nd

O Date (ovulation) - I'll be due August 25th

I'm not sure if I should call my RE (best & quickest care but I'm currently on a natural cycle), OBGYN (who knows when I'll get an appointment & haven't been there since August), or primary base hospital (military).  I'm going to start with the RE though.  I know they can get me in Tuesday morning at 7am and have the results by 3pm same day.

I haven't told my husband yet, PLEASE keep it a secret.  If my beta (blood test) comes back + I'm going to wrap all the POAS in a box to give to him for Christmas.  I figure it's so close, and we'll celebrate on the 23rd because of his work schedule.  I figure that is a much better present than the Keurig I already bought him.

-Selbe