Infant Adoption

I'm exhausted and I've had a headache for days.  I don't feel like I get enough sleep.  Maybe my side effects are worse this time because I take it at noon instead of before bed.  Or maybe because I didn't bring myself up from a low dose like last year.  I've very happy tomorrow is my last day of it.

Bean and I talked about possibly going through with infant adoption in the future if this route doesn't work out.  I don't know how far down this road I want to go.  I'm tired with it all already.  I don't know how I'd take it if I lost another baby.  Although I want to carry a baby inside of me and feel it kick, it's not worth it.  I don't want to see another baby died vix early miscarriage or my cervical incompetence.  My cervix isn't something you can fix with IVF, donor eggs or donor embryos.  What if I take that risk and one of these fertility treatments work out?  What if my cervix falls and I go into labour early?  What if my baby dies because of it?  Then I'm going to fear than I'll blame it on myself for killing it.  

I got the slightest interest in looking at baby cribs today.  I wouldn't buy one though, I have to have to perfect design in the perfect colour.   Infertility sometimes makes you really picky.

My first follicle scan ultrasound is on the 26th.  I'm hoping to see at least one follicle.  That would make my day.

-Selbe

Numb

I have a fear I learned about today.  I was reading Katie's post on how she told her husband she was pregnant.  (Congrats by the way!)  I was thinking back to the effort I put into telling Bean about our pregnancy.  Would I do something similar for my next pregnancy?  Probably not, I probably won't do anything special.  I regret putting effort into the pregnancy, for nothing.  

I even fear seeing my own positive pregnancy test.  Will I associate it with happiness and bringing home a baby in 9 months?  Or will I associate it with sadness, losing my baby and needing surgery.  Does a positive pregnancy test automatically mean D&C for me?  This scares me.

Emotionally I feel OK.  Even after everything I know I need to suck it up and move on.  There is no need to sit around and cry about the past.  It's the past and I can't go back and fix it.  There was something wrong with my baby from the beginning.  No amount of folic acid or whatever else I could talk myself into that I did wrong would change that.  Same for Munchlet.  I did above and beyond the typical ferret care.  He had special food his whole life, the organic laundry detergent, best ferret vet in New England and best health care money could buy.  I took better care of him that I think some idiots do for their own children.  But he still got cancer and died, nothing would have changed that.  Only thing I can do is pick up the pieces and move on.  I'm putting a wall up, I admit it.  All the sadness goes on the other side of the wall while I can go on with my life.  I fear the day that the wall might come crashing down.

My pregnancy hormones are dropping.  Looking at how light my pregnancy tests are I'm expecting my beta to hit zero (or close to it) by my next test on the 16th.  I no longer have the pregnancy exhaustion.  (And my boobs haven't been sore for awhile.)  I slept so well during my pregnancy, I loved it.  As soon as my head hit the pillow I was out for the whole night.  I got the best sleep then.  

Now I am exhausted for other reasons.  I'm not sleeping well at all.  I lay there for long periods of time.  When I go fall asleep I don't stay asleep for long.  My dreams are more fear and nightmares.  Today I woke up from a nap about Munchlet and him passing away.  I was crying during the whole dream (but not in real life).  Same thing happened the other day about my baby.  I don't feel like I rest.  The sleep is more emotionally draining than anything.  I wish I wasn't dreaming at all.  So everyday I am tired from my lack of good sleep.  

I feel these dreams come from a lack of emotional outbursts that I should be having.  Instead they are behind a wall and I am numb from everything.    

I'm OK if I don't get pregnant this cycle, if you could even call it a cycle.  I don't think I'm ovulating anyways.

Source

I consulted Cheri22 again.  I figured she was right before about AUGUST, since my due date was August 25th.  Maybe this psychic I've never met and found on the Internet does know something.  Or maybe it was just a coincidence.  Who knows.  Anyways I'm updated to APRIL and GIRL.  April is the month the baby will be born in, conceived or found out about.  Bean did ask me if we got pregnant in August what month the baby would be born in.  April is the answers.  August is a long ways off when you are no longer pregnant.

-Selbe

It's 9AM Somewhere

CD8

"You never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have." - My new favorite quote.

One week post D&C.  I feel fine.  My RE told me no sex for 7 days.  I made it 6 days 'til the night before and told Bean a couple hours will not hurt, and that it's 9AM somewhere (about the time my D&C was done).  I got my way.  The bleeding had stopped the day before and there was no pain.  I did have a little bit for red blood after the act but that has since stopped too.  

My biggest issues are 1. dizziness; 2. exhaustion.  The dizziness has good and bad days.  I'm trying to suck it up.  Exhaustion is from high pregnancy hormones still in my body, everything I've been though physically and mentally, and from my really bad allergies that are at their worse this time of year.  And I'm really stubborn sometimes so it is hard to get me to sit down and rest.

PG test week after D&C

My next hCG beta blood test is in the morning.  This will tell me much how much pregnancy hormones are still floating around in me.  Hope for low numbers, probably will not happen though.  My pregnancy tests are still coming out really dark.

I returned to the gym tonight.  I was watching a show about weight loss (TLC show, My 600-lb Life) via gastric bypass surgery.  The women had become pregnant after losing all this weight.  My first thought is this show sucks now as they showed how excited they were at ultrasound #1.  But then the baby's heart stopped and it showed her going for a D&C.  I can relate now.  The husband came on to say how long they were trying for and how happy they were, only to have it ripped away so soon.  Unfortunately this is an all too common story.  Not sure if the D&C was all hyped up for TV, but I handling it way better than this women.  I had no tears surgery day, in fact I was smiling because this crappy road was coming to an end.  I knew my baby was gone and there was nothing that could be done.  There is no point in carrying my dead child around in the uterus any longer, it was time to move on.  And I sure as hell wasn't laying in the backseat of the car whining in pain or crying the whole way home.   So if you are scheduled for a D&C don't watch that episode.

Loki on Graduation Day

I watched another women at the gym tonight.  I always want to know what others are lifting so I can compare myself.  My arms are a lot weaker than the rest of my body, 30-90lbs I can lift.  Next my abs, 70-90lbs.  Then my legs, 130-230lbs.  I'm not super skinny at all.  I'm 5'1", 150lbs. and my BMI is around 28 which puts me right under obese.  (Stomach 7 weeks pregnant.)  I haven't been to the gym in weeks due to being on restriction and so tired.  When I see women similar in size and age to me, but lifting way less, taking huge breaks between reps, texting, and most likely not one week post surgery, well I don't feel so crappy.  

My little puppy finished his first obedience class on Tuesday.  He turned 3 months old on January 21st.  It was only the really basic puppy class.  He learned sit, lay down, come, and stand.  I got him at 7 weeks old and signed him up for classes before he even came home (I wanted to be prepared).  So he had a hard time concentrating in the class since he is so young.  I felt bad for the trainer since a few of the classes he just wasn't with it.  But this week he graduated.  Bean and I took him to pick out a toy for his present.  Well $20 bucks later he now has a new favorite toy with many "indestructible" squeakers. *sigh*  Least he's happy.

-Selbe

6 Weeks

6 Weeks

Symptoms:  

• Exhausted - Very, I like my sleep.
• Nausea - Same as last week.  Just short bouts of nausea, morning, afternoon or night.
• Boobs - Sore.  One is looking bigger and popping out of a bra.
• Uterus - Some "movement".
• Bleeding - Zero.
• Frequent Urination - Oh yes!  If you can't find me at work I'm probably peeing... again.
• Sex Drive - Going back up.
• Nose - Still little stuffy, bloody sometimes.
• Back - Oh the pain!  I normally have a lot of back pain.  But it has been really bad this week.  Upper, maybe has something to due with my boobs.
• Appetite - Fucking starving!

How far along?   6 weeks

Size of baby:   1/8 in., or size of sprinkle

Boy or Girl?   Boy

What baby is doing this week:  Heart beats for first time.

Best moment this week?  Hearing betas hit 5944!

What I'm looking forward to?  Ultrasound on the 10th!

Next Doctors Appointment:  1/10 at 7 weeks, 3 days

Meds:  GNC Prenatals 

Milestones:  Making it to 6 weeks.

Food cravings?   None.

What I miss?   Booze.  It's New Years.  

Emotions:   None.

Exercise:  Too tired.

Books Reading:  the Pregnancy Instruction Manual - Sarah Jordan & David Ufberg 

Baby Stuff Purchased:  Nothing.

What happened this week?  Working a lot and it's 2012 now!

Happy New Years!  I hope all my wishes come true and for everyone else struggling with infertility.

-Selbe

5 Weeks

5 Weeks

I saw this on a few other blogs.


Symptoms:  

• Exhausted - Not sure if it is working retail during the Christmas season, or the baby.  I have less hours at work coming up in January.
• Nausea - No vomiting, no dry heaving.  Just short bouts of nausea that go away on their own.  Usually before bed.
• Boobs - Still sore, not as bad as last week.  Still the same size.  Bean mentioned my areolas are getting bigger. 
• Uterus - Some soreness(?) or pulling on the left side.  Kind of feels like menstrual cramps.
• Bleeding - None, thank you!  If I feel wet I go to check out of fear, but nothing there.
• Frequent Urination - Maybe a little bit more.  Sometimes I have to pee a lot.  But my bladder doesn't feel like it's full like normal, burning full.  More like there is pressure on my bladder so it feels full before it really is.
• Sex Drive - Gone.  I'm too afraid to hurt the baby, or miscarry.  Although I don't think it will really matter.
• Nose - Little stuffy, bloody every time I blow it.

5 Weeks

How far along?   5 weeks, 2 days

Size of baby:   2mm, or size of seed

Boy or Girl?   Boy

What baby is doing this week:  Heart, brain & skeleton begin to form.

Best moment this week?  Hearing betas go from 86 to 251 in two day.

What I'm looking forward to?  Beta #3 on Friday.

Next Doctors Appointment:  12/30 at 5 weeks, 6 days

Meds:  Gummy Prenatals 

Milestones:  Doubling betas & making it to 5 weeks.

Food cravings?   None.

What I miss?   Cold turkey sandwiches.  

Emotions:   None.

Exercise:  Ether too tired or fear of miscarrying.

Books Reading:  the Pregnancy Instruction Manual - Sarah Jordan & David Ufberg 

Total Weight Gain?   0 lbs.

5 Weeks

Maternity clothes?  Too early.

Baby Stuff Purchased:  Cute duck and frog onesies at work.  I've been looking at them for awhile but had no reason to buy them.  They went on clearance today.

What happened this week?  Christmas, trip to NY to visit family, Bean got me a new camera

---

One of my coworkers randomly came up to me this week to tell me that she had a dream about me and I had a baby and it was really cute.  She didn't know I was PG.  I'll take this as a good sign.

Another coworker told me about her daughter-in-law who had a baby four months ago is pregnant again.  I guess that was that was supposed to make me feel connected to other pregnant women.  But it was more of a depressing story after everything I've been though (and every infertile women could agree).  

Frog & Duck Baby Things

I still don't feel like a fertile.  I fear too many things.  I worry about my betas not going up enough, not finding a heartbeat, miscarrying, or my cervix giving out.  

-Selbe

5 wks, 2 days

Two Week Wait

Still waiting for AF.  It's currently CD32, 14dpo.  It should have came today, or tomorrow.  I keep checking the TP everytime I go to the bathroom.  Then with a Q-Tip, then check my cervix with my finger.  I don't see anything yet.  For the last five days I've felt a little menstrual cramping but nothing ever come from it.   

So my TWW symptoms (I'm just going to do down the list from the Countdown to Pregnancy website):  

Source

Bloating:  Sometimes I feel a little extra fat.  This is normal though.  6-9dpo

Gas:  It's bad sometimes, I feel bad when I go to work like that. I didn't eat anymore dairy than normal. This happens from time to time, but not usually day after day.  0dpo-8dpo 

Cramps:  Standard.  Probably just AF on her way.  9dpo-now

Ovulation Pains:  Two weeks ago.  0dpo

Backache:  Normal for me though.  6dpo-now

Sensitive, Big & Heavy Breast:  High progesterone?  Kind of normal-ish.  12dpo-now

Happy:  Not depressed, PMS or any mood swings.  0dpo-now

Stuffy Nose:  But I'm not sick?  Maybe allergies.  4dpo-now

Bleeding Nose:  When I blow it.  13dpo-now

Headache:  Happens with allergies.  Off and on.  0dpo-now

Dizzy:  If I move too much.  Maybe my ears of fucking with me.  4dpo-now

Exhaustion:  There is not enough time in the day to sleep.  I only work ~30 hrs a week now, not sure my problem.  Maybe just holiday season, or my allergies.  0dpo-now

Weird Dreams:  Yeah.  11dpo-now

Decreased Acne:  This is weird, I normally have more acne during 2WW. 0dpo-now

Increased Appetite:  Fucking starving.  3dpo-now

Nausea:  Off and on bouts.  Strong but only lasts 30 seconds to a couple minutes.  0dpo-now

But BFN this morning.  Why would it be any different?  Maybe I'm just getting sick.  Or just to tired from work, school and everything else it life that I'm starving and exhausted.  

I got my puppy last Sunday.  I'll have to make a post about it later.

-Selbe