Ditching Baby Showers

TTC

I started and finish my five days of Femara.  The side effects compared to Clomid were about the same, not that I had many Clomid s/e to begin with.  The worst thing is I'm moody and bloated.  And when you're bloated you feel fat which makes for an even worse mood.  I didn't flip out or anything, but my patience was wearing thin with my husband.  

I haven't had too much ovary pain.  I had much more last cycle which equalled a 10mm and a bunch of tiny follicles.  We'll see Friday at my ultrasound what is inside.  If this cycle doesn't produce some good follicles it will also be canceled and I'll ether:  A. move to Femara 7.5mg,  B. move to Femara/Clomid + injectables, or C. have ovarian drilling surgery.  Probably leaning towards the B or C.  Though will my Bean's work schedule now would be a good time for drilling.  If I do produce mature follicles then my IUI will be next week sometime.

Puppy News

For those do not know last winter we purchased our first dog.  He's a male Chow Chow and now 9 months ago.  I don't believe in neutering/spaying early (dog, cat, ferret, etc) so he is still whole.  Now that he is getting older we are forced with the decision of getting him fixed or breeding him.  For those do not know Chows are not a common breed of dog, at least not here.  You don't see many purebred ones and often times when I bring him out people are interested in where he came from.  Puppies can go all the way up to $6,000 for show quality, but generally average $1000, and a litter size of five.  

We decided that Loki will be a daddy.  We looked into finding him a women to breed with, but again they are so rare that doesn't exist.  We thought about buying him a women, similar age or old that isn't fixed yet.  But the same problem, they are just not that common.  The last option, we buy him a puppy.  

We bought Loki for $800.  His sister, or wife, or whatever you call her will be $850 + 400 to ship.  She is coming about 2,000 miles from Ohio.  We put a deposit down on her already.  She's not ready to come home, or even born or conceived yet.  But since there is a waiting list we had to put a deposit now.  They are pretty sure we'll have a puppy by the fall or winter which I guess is a short wait since we are looking for a female.  The male list is much longer.

I'm very excited to buy cute pink stuff since that is one thing you can't do with a male.  

Hoping this dog combo has better luck than Bean and I.  Fuck some days I feel it can't get worse.

Baby Shower

I got an invite for a baby shower this weekend from a friend.  Baby showers were a tiny bit fun before I knew I was infertile.  I didn't mind buying cute baby stuff.  They became painful after but I still went to them, even in-cycle for fertility drugs.  My gift shopping became a gift card and I refuse to participate in any games.  I knew I had to support my friends and knew they would do the same for me.  Even if it met slapping a fake smile on for three hours.

At my last FRG meeting (husband's job) they do this baby blankets program for new moms, similar to the baby bibs in the past.  The new mom stood up in front of the whole group to be "awarded" the blanket, she held up her newborn daughter, baby #3 for them.  Then gave the typical stats for the date, time, weight, etc. when she was born.  Everyone clapped and congratulated her.  I didn't clap, I didn't smile, I just stared.  Maybe because I'm bitter, or envious, or because I would of had a newborn soon.  I showed no emotion at all.  I wish it didn't have to be this way, but I'd rather be emotionless and cold than crying.  Infertile self preservation.  

Anyways for the baby shower I am 98% sure I am not going.  Another example of emotional self preservation.  I feel bad because this friend also has PCOS and did many failed IUIs (but never IVF).  So she struggled also.  But she had gastric bypass last year and since then I guess it has "cured" her PCOS so she got PG naturally.  She is standard PCOS, where I am thin PCOS.  I'm nowhere near the weight requirements for weight loss surgery and need to gain at least 100 lbs. to even be eligible for it.  Gastric bypass is out of my reach as a cure for me.  I've realized that there is not only a line between fertile and infertile, that there are infertile that have TTC for years and never gotten PG, women that have had a loss or several, and infertiles + loss.  While we both have struggled she has not had to look at an ultrasound image and seen her dead child.  That might sound rude but I sent her a nice message back letting her know the real reason I wouldn't be attending.  It's just too painful.  

Running Shoes

Source

I mentioned before I have problems with my knee.  One of the thoughts I had that maybe my shoes are bad.  I got my shoes over a year ago before I started running, and I also use them for hiking because I don't own hiking boots.  Bean has a pair of those toe running shoes which look different.  But he sometimes complains of feeling the ground too much (rocks) and I was never a fan of toe socks even when they were popular.  A few time when we went to the mall I saw a pair of Reebok running shoes in the window at one shoe store.  I loved the colours but I've never owned a pair of Reeboks before.  And I have running shoes, though my knee isn't getting any better.  Bean had to go shoe shopping this past weekend so we went to that store and I walked off to the women's section.  He came to find me ten minutes later and I already had the shoes on my feet.  The store had a buy one, get one for 50% off sale.  I let him know I saved him money (ha!) on his own shoes by buying the $70 pair for me.  I don't think he bought it.  Anyways they are super comfy and I took about two minutes off my time tonight.

-Selbe

Ovacue Review

Ovacue Review

I planned on doing an Ovacue review after a couple cycles of using it.  Well these were not the cycles I expected, but still good enough to form an opinion.  I'm not really found of the device at all.

For those that don't know I bought it back in January after my miscarriage.  It sells as a bundle including the oral and vaginal reader for $330.  I bought it for a couple reasons.  Long term it is cheaper than buying OPKs, and temping doesn't work for me.  The website said it was good for PCOS and/or irregular cycles.  The site said that it can also tell the difference between ovulation and an anovulatory cycle.  The oral reader is quicker than a thermometer in the morning.  That and I just had a miscarriage.  It sounded like a good purchase for me.

The device reads your electrolyte levels and assigned them a number from 1 to 399.  When you get close to ovulation you'll have a high oral reading, followed by two lower ones.  Before ovulation the vaginal reading will become lower and lower.  When that number rapidly increases (like BBT) that is when ovulation takes place.

The actual digital device itself is alright, similar size an an iPhone (July 2012) but a little bit thicker.  It has a colour screen but a isn't touch screen.  The menus are kind of annoying to get through using the buttons.  Turning it on is done through a press of a button, turning it off you have to use the arrow keys and go through a few screens sometimes.

The oral sensor is easy to use, just put it on your tongue.  In three seconds it will give you a reading.  The vaginal sensor is a metal wand that looks creepy, but for those of us TTC for while we are used to strange things getting shoved up our vajayjay.  If you've ever used a dildo you'll be fine.   

Setting up the device for your cycle it asks for your average cycle length.  If you have PCOS you probably don't know this number.  After reading the instructional book and contacting the company they just told me to average the days of the last 3 or 6 cycles.  Mmm, kay.  So I averaged the cycles I actually ovulated on and got 30.6.  I set it up for 30 days. 

• Cycle 1 - Ovacue confirmed I ovulated around CD20.  Blood work (super low progesterone) & lack of AF for 60 days said I never ovulated.  I was given Provera.
• Cycle 2 - Ovacue confirmed I again ovulated.  Blood work & lack of AF for 75 day, I was given Provera.
• Cycle 3 - Ovacue confirmed I ovulated CD12 or CD14.  Blood work & ultrasound CD12 said otherwise.  Ultrasound CD15 also showed no past ovulation.  I'm currently on CD35 & just finished Provera.

Notice a pattern?  Every single cycle it has "confirmed" ovulation.  

Now the vagina readings.  If you get an "over 400" reading it is invalid and you have to take it again.  I tried over and over again with the same error message.  I've re-cleaned the wand off, plug it back in again, even tried to position it differently in my vag.  I still get the error message.  I thought maybe mine was broken.  Finally I get a normal reading of 395 or 397.  Well that's pretty close to 400.  The company told me it is impossible to get over 400 and that it must be user error or a broken device.  

Would I recommend this to someone with PCOS?  No.  Maybe it works better with someone with regular cycles.  To me it has the same useful knowledge as one of those free phone apps that I can put my average cycle day in and it will tell me when I'll ovulate.  Not worth $300.

New Design

I re-did my layout because I got tired of the old one.  That and someone mentioned to me awhile ago that my husband doesn't even wear the uniform that his cartoon picture was still in.  True, Bean switched uniforms last September and I never updated it.

Registry Updated

While walking past the baby section at Target the other day I saw this adorable onesie set with dinos on it.  Not sure what even made me glance over there since I tend to avoid that area as much as possible, this includes looking in that direction.  Anyways it was a boys set and just so cute even though I like girl's clothing more.  I came home and added it to the registry so I didn't forget it.  Then sat around for an hour adding 100+ more (mostly not needed) items to it.  I've only visited it a few times since my miscarriage, usually with sad thoughts.  This is a step in the right direction.  

If you know my real first and last time you are welcome to go searching for it.  

Knee Pain

My right knee has been giving me problems ever since I started running.  After a three mile run the other day it has been hurting all yesterday.  Even on our nine mile hike a couple weeks ago it was in pain towards the end of it.  Not sure if my sneakers are worn out but I decided to give a couple knee braces a try.  I really don't want to have to make a doctors appointment but I might need to.

I met another blogger in real life this past week.  Liz moved to this area the same time I did, lives the next town over from me and has a 6 month old son via IVF.  You guys can all go say hi!

-Selbe

Random Update

Teef

I got teeth cleaned and repaired last Wednesday following my initial appointment a couple weeks ago.  The cleaning was the basic normal stuff, though they looked really clean for forgetting about them for the last two years.  The chip was an easy fix and now my tooth is all smooth again.  They did numb my mouth for the sealant, once on the right, once on the left.  I don't remember being numbed last time and I hate it.  My tongue flaps around in there with no control over it and I have no idea if I'm drooling or not.  He took the drill to each one of my teeth before putting the sealing in.  I was all good but one tooth it really bothered.  Not ouch pain but annoying.  They still hurt a tiny bit.

Allergies

My nose has been insanely itchy the last couple days.  And my dog has started to shed.  Those are probably connected so I started taking my Clarinex again.  I really need to sit outside with him and brush his coat or vacuum him or something.  Maybe do some hardcore vacuuming around the house. 

Running

I don't mind running but I hate being in the sun and heat.  I'm a little whiny bitch sometimes when it comes to being hot.  The sun has been out all week.  So I run at 10pm now, which is much cooler and I get better times.  A few of the roads have limited lighting and with cars coming I'm blinded.  I'm 99.9% sure one night I will run into a mailbox.  Just saying...

Vent #1 - Really Infertile

I hate when people tell me they can't have kids.  I'm not talking about PCOS, Endo, unexplained, etc.  Severe problems like missing female organs, ovaries for example (BS).  And they get pregnant (and give birth) before I do.  It's some sort of miracle from God.  But I stand there with my mouth wide open then shaking my head.  My thoughts: 

1. I'm really, really screwed up on the inside if the women without a uterus gets PG before me
2. They want people to feel bad for them
3. They have a horrible doctor, lack basic medical knowledge and/or the ability to Google things

I'm going to go with #2, same cases #3.

Has anyone else met people like this?  I've had it happen several time.  

Vent #2 - Babies"R"Us

*sigh* I signed up for a Babies"R"Us registry last January for the items I couldn't find at Target.  Now that my "due date" is coming soon they have started calling me.  A couple weeks ago they wanted to welcome me and congratulating me on my upcoming addition.  I don't want to be congratulating.  Today the wanted to know if I got my sale coupons.  Call me one more fucking time and I will actually pick up the phone and tell my whole story.  Note to self:  Don't register with them next time.

Vent #3 - My Lil' Bump

While I was walking around Wal-Mart the other night I saw their maternity clothes that I never noticed before.  My Lil' Bump makes it sound so cute to be pregnant.  I got a quick glimpse of what type of women wear Wal-Mart's My Lil' Bump.  And it is not your 20 or 30's something married women with a house, job, SUV, dog, whatnot.  I could write a whole blog post about this with references to welfare, but I'm really not feeling bitter right now.  Nor do I really have to time to.  So I'll just drop it, but I did take a photo.

-Selbe

It's 9AM Somewhere

CD8

"You never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have." - My new favorite quote.

One week post D&C.  I feel fine.  My RE told me no sex for 7 days.  I made it 6 days 'til the night before and told Bean a couple hours will not hurt, and that it's 9AM somewhere (about the time my D&C was done).  I got my way.  The bleeding had stopped the day before and there was no pain.  I did have a little bit for red blood after the act but that has since stopped too.  

My biggest issues are 1. dizziness; 2. exhaustion.  The dizziness has good and bad days.  I'm trying to suck it up.  Exhaustion is from high pregnancy hormones still in my body, everything I've been though physically and mentally, and from my really bad allergies that are at their worse this time of year.  And I'm really stubborn sometimes so it is hard to get me to sit down and rest.

PG test week after D&C

My next hCG beta blood test is in the morning.  This will tell me much how much pregnancy hormones are still floating around in me.  Hope for low numbers, probably will not happen though.  My pregnancy tests are still coming out really dark.

I returned to the gym tonight.  I was watching a show about weight loss (TLC show, My 600-lb Life) via gastric bypass surgery.  The women had become pregnant after losing all this weight.  My first thought is this show sucks now as they showed how excited they were at ultrasound #1.  But then the baby's heart stopped and it showed her going for a D&C.  I can relate now.  The husband came on to say how long they were trying for and how happy they were, only to have it ripped away so soon.  Unfortunately this is an all too common story.  Not sure if the D&C was all hyped up for TV, but I handling it way better than this women.  I had no tears surgery day, in fact I was smiling because this crappy road was coming to an end.  I knew my baby was gone and there was nothing that could be done.  There is no point in carrying my dead child around in the uterus any longer, it was time to move on.  And I sure as hell wasn't laying in the backseat of the car whining in pain or crying the whole way home.   So if you are scheduled for a D&C don't watch that episode.

Loki on Graduation Day

I watched another women at the gym tonight.  I always want to know what others are lifting so I can compare myself.  My arms are a lot weaker than the rest of my body, 30-90lbs I can lift.  Next my abs, 70-90lbs.  Then my legs, 130-230lbs.  I'm not super skinny at all.  I'm 5'1", 150lbs. and my BMI is around 28 which puts me right under obese.  (Stomach 7 weeks pregnant.)  I haven't been to the gym in weeks due to being on restriction and so tired.  When I see women similar in size and age to me, but lifting way less, taking huge breaks between reps, texting, and most likely not one week post surgery, well I don't feel so crappy.  

My little puppy finished his first obedience class on Tuesday.  He turned 3 months old on January 21st.  It was only the really basic puppy class.  He learned sit, lay down, come, and stand.  I got him at 7 weeks old and signed him up for classes before he even came home (I wanted to be prepared).  So he had a hard time concentrating in the class since he is so young.  I felt bad for the trainer since a few of the classes he just wasn't with it.  But this week he graduated.  Bean and I took him to pick out a toy for his present.  Well $20 bucks later he now has a new favorite toy with many "indestructible" squeakers. *sigh*  Least he's happy.

-Selbe