I used to get excited for pregnancy and all things I could purchase for my new baby. I'd start shopping and getting the nursery ready during the first trimester. Family and friends would send me cute stuff in the mail. Then there would be my baby shower and we would all welcome the birth. Such a happy and excited time.
Two years later and one loss. I've changed.
I regretted the fact I did buy a few small things for my first pregnancy. Buying those things gave me hope. Not matter how much hope you have it still can't change the future. As a result I bought items and then my baby died.
I really don't see myself buying much early on during my next pregnancy. The nursery will go unpainted week after week. It's just not in me anymore. There is a fear to getting excited and then having to come home without a baby. Looking into the doorway at the nursery seems so painful. Pregnancy is an exciting time, but it is also a time full of worrying.
When I look at what is ahead of me with getting pregnant and then carrying a baby to term it feels like two large mountains. The first is the fertility treatments to get pregnant. The second is to get to 40 weeks (or somewhere close) with my damaged cervix. I'm not sure how to climb up and over the mountains, yet I keep trying.-Selbe