Having Hope (or Not)

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Every once and awhile someone tells me I have to have hope.  That's nice and all (and true for somethings).  But one thing I've learned with the last two unresponsive Clomid cycles, hope does not matter.  Round 4 @ 100mg ended with no ovulation.  Round 5 @ 150mg also looks like no ovulation.  It doesn't matter how much hope I have, or how much I've convinced myself the stars have lined up and this is it.  My ovaries do not see that.  With no eggs, there will be no pregnancy, and that's it.

Not saying I will give up on hope all together.  

I am emotionally drained.  I'm tired of the BBT, checking my cervix several times a day and saliva ferning.  I'm most sick of the ovulation predictor tests (OPKs), the fact I can't aim for the cup to save my life, and that they are ALL negative.  I've seen about 50 negative ones in the last two cycles.  Second I'm tired of all the meds.  I now have a pill case so I remember to take them all each day.  But it is already full with fertility meds, vitamins, allergy meds and any other herb that promises to fix something wrong with me.  I'm tired of taking all these things because I really don't see any of these things actually working (well except for the allergy stuff).  Then there is the side effects (fertility drugs).  I'm tired of timed intercourse, AKA forced sex.  Sure sex is fun and all, but when you feel you need to have it at certain intervals and not just when your horny, well it gets old... quick.  Sometimes I look up at Bean and wish he would just cum, as bad as that sounds.  Of course there is also the hope I do give myself each cycle which has resulted in nothing.  The hope I have the first two weeks that I might actually ovulate this cycle, or the hope in the two weeks following that I might be PG.  Then the disappointment after when you realize it didn't happen, and then do that over and over again.  

I'm not sure what I'm going to do.  Half of me wants to give up and just let my body be as it is.  "Let God take it into his hand."  Just remove all meds and let AF come and go as it wishes, and without all the extra stress.  Maybe my body will "fix" itself (though I honestly don't believe this).  But I'm not one to give up.  The other half of me want to go forward with fertility treatment.  Whatever I do, THIS is not working.  As in Provera, Clomid, Provera, Clomid...  

The other part of my frustration is I don't actually understand what is wrong with me.  I don't have a 100% diagnoses.  I don't fit into a certain category.  I don't understand how I ended up this way.  What inside my body went wrong?  Maybe I have a much more severe case of PCOS than they think?

My OBGYN will not prescribe Clomid past 150mg.  A lot of GYN and RE are like that, although I've heard some will go as high as 250mg.  I'm pretty cool with never taking Clomid ever again in my life.  So I switch to Femara or get kicked out and sent to an RE.  Not really sure what the RE will do with me.  

I'm not really heartbroken that this is another anovulatory cycle.  But more disappointed.  I mean I was already on my way to the RE anyways, so that doesn't change anything.  Already dragging my raisin ovaries with me ether way.  

Sometimes I tell people I could cut my ovaries out and replace them with tennis balls and they would do the same thing.  That's a little true.  Tennis balls don't produce hormones (although I don't think my ovaries do most the time ether).  Sometimes I think there are 45 year old women that are more fertile than me.  Ok that one is true, and sad.  

PS I found this article about anovulatory cycles:  What Is An Anovulatory Cycle, What Causes It And How To Prevent It?

CD18, -OPK (whatever...)