Numb

I have a fear I learned about today.  I was reading Katie's post on how she told her husband she was pregnant.  (Congrats by the way!)  I was thinking back to the effort I put into telling Bean about our pregnancy.  Would I do something similar for my next pregnancy?  Probably not, I probably won't do anything special.  I regret putting effort into the pregnancy, for nothing.  

I even fear seeing my own positive pregnancy test.  Will I associate it with happiness and bringing home a baby in 9 months?  Or will I associate it with sadness, losing my baby and needing surgery.  Does a positive pregnancy test automatically mean D&C for me?  This scares me.

Emotionally I feel OK.  Even after everything I know I need to suck it up and move on.  There is no need to sit around and cry about the past.  It's the past and I can't go back and fix it.  There was something wrong with my baby from the beginning.  No amount of folic acid or whatever else I could talk myself into that I did wrong would change that.  Same for Munchlet.  I did above and beyond the typical ferret care.  He had special food his whole life, the organic laundry detergent, best ferret vet in New England and best health care money could buy.  I took better care of him that I think some idiots do for their own children.  But he still got cancer and died, nothing would have changed that.  Only thing I can do is pick up the pieces and move on.  I'm putting a wall up, I admit it.  All the sadness goes on the other side of the wall while I can go on with my life.  I fear the day that the wall might come crashing down.

My pregnancy hormones are dropping.  Looking at how light my pregnancy tests are I'm expecting my beta to hit zero (or close to it) by my next test on the 16th.  I no longer have the pregnancy exhaustion.  (And my boobs haven't been sore for awhile.)  I slept so well during my pregnancy, I loved it.  As soon as my head hit the pillow I was out for the whole night.  I got the best sleep then.  

Now I am exhausted for other reasons.  I'm not sleeping well at all.  I lay there for long periods of time.  When I go fall asleep I don't stay asleep for long.  My dreams are more fear and nightmares.  Today I woke up from a nap about Munchlet and him passing away.  I was crying during the whole dream (but not in real life).  Same thing happened the other day about my baby.  I don't feel like I rest.  The sleep is more emotionally draining than anything.  I wish I wasn't dreaming at all.  So everyday I am tired from my lack of good sleep.  

I feel these dreams come from a lack of emotional outbursts that I should be having.  Instead they are behind a wall and I am numb from everything.    

I'm OK if I don't get pregnant this cycle, if you could even call it a cycle.  I don't think I'm ovulating anyways.

Source

I consulted Cheri22 again.  I figured she was right before about AUGUST, since my due date was August 25th.  Maybe this psychic I've never met and found on the Internet does know something.  Or maybe it was just a coincidence.  Who knows.  Anyways I'm updated to APRIL and GIRL.  April is the month the baby will be born in, conceived or found out about.  Bean did ask me if we got pregnant in August what month the baby would be born in.  April is the answers.  August is a long ways off when you are no longer pregnant.

-Selbe

POAS #2

I held my pee in from 4-10:30pm.  That's hard for me, I always have such a weak bladder.

First Response Early Result - 15dpo @ PM

I did another of the same brand I did this morning.  Still +, even with night pee.

First Response Early Result - 15dpo @ FMU & PM

Comparing FMU (first morning urine) at 9am to PM (night pee) at 10:30pm.  Slightly darker.

Early-Pregnancy-Tests.com - 15dpo @ PM

These are supposed to be really sensitive, but the line is still faint.

Wondfo - 15dpo @ PM

Again supposed to be sensitive, but faint line.

Digital POAS test require more hCG hormone to pick up a +.  Many times they are - at first.  I bought a bunch LAST December and this was the only one I had left, so I gave it a try.  And results are:

e.p.t® Digital - 15dpo @PM

Sad thing is these are all ones I already owned in my house.  I still have a zip lock bag with many more.  

The Baby Psychic I used last July told me August would be my month. 

LMP (last menstrual period) - I'll be due August 22nd

O Date (ovulation) - I'll be due August 25th

I'm not sure if I should call my RE (best & quickest care but I'm currently on a natural cycle), OBGYN (who knows when I'll get an appointment & haven't been there since August), or primary base hospital (military).  I'm going to start with the RE though.  I know they can get me in Tuesday morning at 7am and have the results by 3pm same day.

I haven't told my husband yet, PLEASE keep it a secret.  If my beta (blood test) comes back + I'm going to wrap all the POAS in a box to give to him for Christmas.  I figure it's so close, and we'll celebrate on the 23rd because of his work schedule.  I figure that is a much better present than the Keurig I already bought him.

-Selbe

The Good & What's Next

The Good Stuff:

• It's CD2, my body for the second cycle in a row has managed to get AF without Provera.
• A CD30 cycle.  Last cycle it was CD31.  (Normal is CD21-35, average is CD28.  Too short then LP problem, too long then no O.)  Two cycles only a day apart in length is good, and amazing for me.  It almost seems too good to be true.  (Clomid I was CD29 & CD31.)
• Ovulation was CD15.  (Normal is CD11-17, average is CD14.  Too short or too long then lower quality eggs.)  Good enough for me!  (Clomid I was CD 16 & CD18.)
• Luteal Phase (LP) was 15dpo.  (Normal is 12-16dpo, average is 14dpo.)  The longer the better since there is more time for the lining to develop & egg implant.  (Clomid I was 13dpo.)
• Post O side effects = high hormones = good.
• Progesterone 10.6.

Next:

• We have decided against injectables for this cycle.  I'm not 100% sure what my insurance will cover, even though $500 is pretty cheap if we had to pay it out of pocket.  I'm really not looking forward to sticking needles in my body.  And the side effects will most likely suck.
• I'm going to stick with the Vitex.  I'm not sure if that is what is fixing me, if something else is, or if my body is getting its act together.  But whatever it is I'm not going to change it.  
• As long as I stick in the "normal" range then I'll stay away from injectables and the RE.  
• Psychic Cheri22 told me August for a birth date.  Meaning O November 9th to December 9th.

-Selbe

Baby Psychic Cheri22

I got my reading today from Cheri22.

"They show you guys having a GIRL and they relate her to August so this is either birth month, conceive month or the month you find out in."

For the last couple years I wanted a girl.  Up until then I was undecided.  My baby dreams always involed having a girl.   Since then almost everyone I know has had a girl.  Now I'm eh about it.  There are so many baby girls, maybe a boy would be better?  Since my dreams show a boy.  But then again I could careless at this point.

I'm going to go with this August NOT being the conceived month, just with how this cycle is working out.  November gives me much more time to figure out my brokeness.

"When it comes to your daughter I am seeing her as someone who "lives for the moment" Shes a bit excitable, and always seems to bring this intense energy with her. You can't help but notice it and always feel the same excitement she does with anything that she finds to be fun. Shes just this child that seems to have a "silly side' always bringing out the inner child in anyone. I am seeing her as someone who is always going trust in her gut, and seems to make the right decision for the most part. Is going to be the type of person who forgives easily and just wants everyone to be happy. Shes good judge of character and always surrounds herself with people who are loving and supportive. Shes a team player with everything she does and finds it difficult to be friends with someone who thinks that they are "everything". Shes pretty good about letting those type of friendships "drift"."

This sounds like me.  Except easily forgive, I'm good at holding grudges and will remember just how you screwed me over three years from now.  Errr sorry, kind of.

"When it comes to your daughter, she's going to love ice cream. You are going to find her to be an "old soul" the type that kinda is always going to want to do things for herself. Prefers to do things from scratch and loves to learn things from the bottom up. You are going to find her to be the type that would love to make bread.. not buying the instant bread stuff, but getting the ingredients, shaping the dough by hand and making it herself. Always going to consider herself to be a bit of a homemaker. Always loving to bake,cook...etc. Shes always helping out with the housework without you even having to ask (especially in her mid to late teens). They show her being very protective of her family (They show you guys with two girls and one boy in total). I get the impression that shes the type to always look out for everyone and sometimes a bit more involved than she needs to be."

I love ice cream!  I'll even make my own.  Unfortunately I'm a pretty horrible cook.  I grew up with microwaved food after my mum left.  But Bean comes from a family that loves to cook (Italian).  He usually makes dinner most nights.  I'm decent with baking though.

Not sure where this whole two girls and a boy are coming from.  I already feel like my body is a mess.  I don't even what to think about going through this again for baby #2, let alone #3.  I always wanted a protective family though.  I always felt pushed off to the side going up.

"For career paths, they show at first something to do with a "store" of some sort, and give the impression its linked to family. So unsure if this is something owned by the family already, or will, or even linked to her husband.... They also show her linked to architecture (more so linked to the color schemes, the insides..etc.)."

When I was dating one of the things I used to look for is a college education.  Please have a bachelor's degree in something, I don't care what.  Same goes from my children.  I don't care what they do, but please go to college and get a degree in something, again I don't care what.

I actually just got a job in a store, I think, if they don't find out about my drug addiction.  Nothing really exciting, just something part-time to keep me busy and my mind off this mess.  Plus insurance doesn't cover IUI/IVF if I were to ever need one, someone has to pay for it.  (But they cover a whole fucking pregnancy which pisses me off.  Nice for everyone else.)

"When it comes to marriage I am seeing her closer to 26. They will have two girls and one boy of their own."

CD28, no AF

Happy Birthday Munchlet!

I just paid some stranger on the internet $18 to tell me my fertility future.  I've completely lost it.  I've never really been a fan of psychics.  But compared to the other money I've spent on Preseed or anything else that I thought would get me PG, for a tiny bit of hope, this seems somewhat sane.  She predicts birth/conception month, gender, looks, and I think a few other things.  It's for those that are TTC or currently PG.  Cheri22 is the website if anyone is interested.  Tiny bit of hope!

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Happy Birthday
Munchlet!

Today is my baby's birthday, furbaby, not real child.  It seems like just yesterday I was bringing him to the park of the first time at 8 weeks old.  He walked a couple yards, saw a duck, started crying and then asked to be picked up.  That was the end of our trip to the park.  They are the closest thing I have to children so I talk about them like one of those mum's that thinks their kid is poops gold.  Ok, maybe not that bad.  Sad thing is this is probably his last birthday, or one of them.  He's getting old and was dignosed with insulinoma cancer last year.  So I leave you with some photos.  Happy 5th Birthday Munchlet Eins!

PS Still no SA results. :(  Or Progesterone, but my doctor has a habit of never calling with test results.  That pisses me off.

-Selbe

CD25, still no sign of O