Numb

I have a fear I learned about today.  I was reading Katie's post on how she told her husband she was pregnant.  (Congrats by the way!)  I was thinking back to the effort I put into telling Bean about our pregnancy.  Would I do something similar for my next pregnancy?  Probably not, I probably won't do anything special.  I regret putting effort into the pregnancy, for nothing.  

I even fear seeing my own positive pregnancy test.  Will I associate it with happiness and bringing home a baby in 9 months?  Or will I associate it with sadness, losing my baby and needing surgery.  Does a positive pregnancy test automatically mean D&C for me?  This scares me.

Emotionally I feel OK.  Even after everything I know I need to suck it up and move on.  There is no need to sit around and cry about the past.  It's the past and I can't go back and fix it.  There was something wrong with my baby from the beginning.  No amount of folic acid or whatever else I could talk myself into that I did wrong would change that.  Same for Munchlet.  I did above and beyond the typical ferret care.  He had special food his whole life, the organic laundry detergent, best ferret vet in New England and best health care money could buy.  I took better care of him that I think some idiots do for their own children.  But he still got cancer and died, nothing would have changed that.  Only thing I can do is pick up the pieces and move on.  I'm putting a wall up, I admit it.  All the sadness goes on the other side of the wall while I can go on with my life.  I fear the day that the wall might come crashing down.

My pregnancy hormones are dropping.  Looking at how light my pregnancy tests are I'm expecting my beta to hit zero (or close to it) by my next test on the 16th.  I no longer have the pregnancy exhaustion.  (And my boobs haven't been sore for awhile.)  I slept so well during my pregnancy, I loved it.  As soon as my head hit the pillow I was out for the whole night.  I got the best sleep then.  

Now I am exhausted for other reasons.  I'm not sleeping well at all.  I lay there for long periods of time.  When I go fall asleep I don't stay asleep for long.  My dreams are more fear and nightmares.  Today I woke up from a nap about Munchlet and him passing away.  I was crying during the whole dream (but not in real life).  Same thing happened the other day about my baby.  I don't feel like I rest.  The sleep is more emotionally draining than anything.  I wish I wasn't dreaming at all.  So everyday I am tired from my lack of good sleep.  

I feel these dreams come from a lack of emotional outbursts that I should be having.  Instead they are behind a wall and I am numb from everything.    

I'm OK if I don't get pregnant this cycle, if you could even call it a cycle.  I don't think I'm ovulating anyways.

Source

I consulted Cheri22 again.  I figured she was right before about AUGUST, since my due date was August 25th.  Maybe this psychic I've never met and found on the Internet does know something.  Or maybe it was just a coincidence.  Who knows.  Anyways I'm updated to APRIL and GIRL.  April is the month the baby will be born in, conceived or found out about.  Bean did ask me if we got pregnant in August what month the baby would be born in.  April is the answers.  August is a long ways off when you are no longer pregnant.

-Selbe

Ovulation in the Future?

CD14

Or maybe just a false alarm?

Today would be CD14 today, from my surgery.  Which isn't accurate.  I don't think I'd actually ovulate this soon.  

My Ovacue is looking amazing.  Decreasing and increasing where it should be.  Almost perfect for someone with a regular cycle.  I figured it would be all over the place like an anovulatory cycle.  Right on time at CD14-ish.  Ovacue is telling me I am going to ovulate soon.  Darker the blue, closer to ovulation, 'til it turns pink/purple.  The falling purple dots (vagina sensor) tell so too.  If they start going up quickly then I've ovulated.

I decided to give an pregnancy test (HCG, pink) a try.  I didn't hold my pee in for an length of time, in fact I don't really know how long it was.  And I took it at night.  The pregnancy test had a faint positive, the lightest I've seen since December.  I decided to try an OPK (LH, blue).  Really positive.

This is probably a fake though.  I found this site about LH and hCG hormones and why my OPK is lieing to me right now.  OPK's as HPT's: using an ovulation test to confirm pregnancy:

"...OPK's detect LH (luteinizing hormone) which is the hormone associated with ovulation. Pregnancy tests detect hCG, the hormone associated with pregnancy. LH and hCG are, at a molecular level, nearly identical. hCG has a beta subunit, meaning it has an extra little "doodad." To use a stupid but easy to understand example, LH and hCG are identical twins, except that hCG wears a funny hat.

An OPK tests only for the part of the molecule that LH and hCG have in common (the "face" or "body" of the identical twins.)...

So an OPK will turn positive when it detects either of the "identical twins"-- ovulation or pregnancy hormone. 

The reverse is not true, however, because an HPT tests for the part of the molecule that is unique to hCG (the "hat.")...

Therefore, a pregnancy test will turn positive only in the presence of hCG, whereas an OPK will turn positive in the presence of hCG or LH. ...

Additionally, OPK's are not as sensitive as a lot of HPT's are. This means that, if pregnant, you are likely to get a positive HPT earlier than you would get a positive OPK. ...

...if you are comparing a sensitive (20 mIU) OPK to some less-sensitive HPT's (sensitive to 25-50 mIU) then yes, it's true an OPK may turn positive before an HPT. ... 

Finally, research has shown there are actually different kinds of hCG. In some cases (most common in early pregnancy, or in pregnancies with chromosomal abnormalities) the hCG molecule may become "nicked" or "cleaved" (partially or completely separating into its alpha and beta units.) Ovulation tests may not recognize (cross-react) with all types of hCG molecules, and may be falsely negative during pregnancy. ... 

At the end of the day, a positive result on an HPT means you are pregnant. A positive result on an OPK could mean you are near ovulation, pregnant, or the test is picking up an entirely different hormone or element. Or it may be negative even if a woman is pregnant. With a positive HPT there is no doubt; a positive OPK may provide a clue, but doesn't really give you an answer for sure. ...

...some women have experimented with the principle that an OPK, even if it's negative, will become increasingly darker if she is pregnant. ..."

Long story short my OPK is picking up on the lingering hCG and LH hormone in my body.  Not just the LH like it should.  Although there is a chance it is a true, or close to, true positive.  If it was positive and only picking up on LH and maybe a little hCG then it will get darker and darker over the next few days, then lighter and lighter.  If it was picking up on LH and hCG then it would just get lighter and lighter.  I don't think I have the patience to test it out so we will go with it as being a false positive.  I'll put more faith in the Ovacue or just wait for my period.

The bleeding from my D&C ended sometime last week.  Overall it was a lot less blood than I was expecting.  Today I noticed some brown spotting and tonight I'm having menstrual cramps.  I feel like I'm getting my period.  My D&C was two weeks ago.  Not sure if this is the lingering effect of the D&C, or my period coming early.  This is the most cramping I've had since the hours after surgery.  

Loki graduated from his puppy class.  He does have eyes, he's just scared of everything and closes them when the flash goes off.  The world is scary when you are only 3 months old.

-Selbe

WTF? Need Advice...

What the fuck is this?  My cheap OPK came up as close positive.  So I used the digital one (the one I use when I'm not really sure).  And this is now smiling.  It's only CD14?  I can't even have sex 'til Thursday (cervix open, risk of infection).  I don't think I have much lining built up ether since I had all the bleeding with surgery.  Maybe it's a false positive?  I held my pee for two hours.  The cheap tests like it at two, digital ones like it at four.  I usually just do something in between because I use the same pee for both.  When you go up to 6 OPKs a day it's hard to have enough pee for all of them.  I'm going to try to nap and hold the pee in for four hours, then test again.

I just don't get it.  I did Clomid 50mg and never ovulated.  I got increased to 100mg and for two cycles I did O.  The fourth cycle I never O'ed.  Increased to 150mg and again I never O'ed.  Why is it after I'm pulled from the drug that my body starts working?

How am I going to get the sperm in me for this cycle if I can't have sex?  I need advice.

 

CD14

Unsure

I just don't feel anything this cycle.  Maybe it's just the mindset I'm in, or the fact I didn't have much hope even from the beginning of the cycle.  Maybe I somehow cursed it into not working from the start.  But I don't feel like my body is doing anything.

My saliva ferning has been going crazy since I O'ed last cycle.  All through my 2ww, AF and up until now.  I'm not sure what that means besides that I have a lot of Estrogen in my system.  My cervix was soft all week, but now has gone back to being firm again.  It's currently CD14.  My first AO (anovulatory) cycle that I tracked it went from soft to firm over and over again so that concerns me.  My OPKs are still really light too.  Those are my biggest worries.  That and I don't feel anything like cramps.  So I'm worried this will be another AO cycle.

I'm also worried because this is my third cycle on Clomid.  If I do the standard six cycles this means I am already half done and I feel like I've only made a tiny step forward.

I'm unsure about my doctor.  He seems nice and does whatever I ask for the most part.  But every pregnant women I know also goes to that office.  It's just a standard OBGYN and they can only do so much for me.  Any blood work or ultrasounds I need I am sent to the hospital next door since they can't do those things in-house.  I think I have moved to the point of needed an RE instead, especially if this cycle is AO.  I'd love to have the mid-cycle U/S to see if these ovaries are actually doing anything.

I threw two forks at a wall last night (no damage) after getting pissed at Bean.  Then I cried with my irrational thoughts for an hour before falling asleep.  I woke up this morning and also cried in fear of an AO cycle.  I'm trying to pull it together for a friend's baby shower this afternoon.  I know it's supposed to be a happy time for her but I also don't want to be a crying, snotty mess.  And I'd prefer not to show up intoxicated.

CD14, OPK-

Overqualified

How to Become Fertile 

Warning: This will probably offend some people.

So Bean and I drove past the local waterpark on the way to dinner the other day.  They had their "now hiring" sign out for summer.  I should apply and sell tickets, or serve ice cream. Even though I'm way overqualified.

Overqualified.  I started thinking about certain fertile people and began wondering how they do it, getting pregnant and all.  Now these are not observations about every parent and pregnant women, nor are they describing a particular person.  But small things I've seen in my life that are not what I would want for my child.

I've come to the conclusion I'm doing this all wrong.  So I wrote some tips for myself so I can become fertile too.

Get a Minimum Wage, Unskilled Job or Go on Unemployment
I could do this.  I'm going to apply at some fast food restaurants or other jobs that pays minimum wage.  I'm thinking I'll only work 20-25 hours a week so I can spend the rest of the time playing video games and partying.  Since I won't have enough money for anything else, I'll have to drop my health insurance. Don't worry, once I become pregnant the government will provide me with free insurance.  Along with food, rent, etc...  Life is good on welfare.

Eat Less Healthy
Who need fruits and vegetables?  Say hello to junk food and tons of preservatives.  Once I'm dead my body won't even start to decay for awhile.  Like a Twinkie in a landfill.  Fetuses don't need vitamins and nourishment, they need preservatives and crap.  I'm canceling my gym membership too.

Lots o' Alcohol
Oh I don't think I can drink like I'm in college anymore.  But I'll give it a try...

Cigarettes & Drugs
This isn't going to work.  I'm pretty against smoking and any type of drugs.  All I got is some leftover liquid codeine from my last surgery.  Hardcore...

New Baby Daddy
It's not the 50's anymore, no one cares if the baby is born out of wedlock.  I'm thinking maybe someone I just met at a bar or the local Denny's.  But I already fucked this up by getting married.  I'll have to pretend my husband is some new guy when I BD him.  His swimmers will work harder at trying to find my egg then.

Shithole Apartment
This three bedroom house with it's huge yard and playground is too nice for a kid.  I need a crack whore apartment on the wrong side of town.

No wonder I'm infertile...

PS I really did meet my husband at a Denny's.  Thought I'd sneak that in there.

CD14