Saturday, March 12, 2011

Wanting Children

My recent need-to-have children.

My mum left me when I was 11.  I don't even remember what it's like to have a mother.  I always just assumes I had no motherly instinct, thus told myself I never wanted my own kids.

I've owned ferrets for about 12 years now.  Many have come and gone.  My Rikki passed away in 2006 and soon after I started looking for another.  Late in the season by I found a breeder with a male that fit what I wanted.  I choose a private breeder this time, they tend to have healthy ferrets with less cases of cancer.  I got photo updates of him every week.  Then I drove eight hours to pick him up, and eight hours home.

My eight week old Munchlet cried when I didn't hold him.  He would drop everything to come see me walk in the door.  He was helpless without me.  He wanted and needed me.  My motherly instinct kicked in, even though he was just a pet.  I though, "maybe I can be a mother".  But I was only 21 at the time, I waited.

I'm now 26, married, financially stable, rent a house.  My husband is five years older with at least another five years in the military.  Most of my friends have children by now.  Sometimes I'm even ostracized because I don't have a toddler or bun in the oven.  But then again why would I want to be around your screaming child or listen to you complain how horrible being pregnant is.

Munchlet was diagnosed with cancer in October.  It's a common, slow-moving cancer called insulinoma.  He still has time, but there is no cure and it will kill him.  I tell people him having insulinoma is normal, a lot of ferrets get it.  It's a way of life.  I stay strong for him.  But I am heartbroken.  He is too young for this, it wasn't supposed to happen so soon.  My "baby", the eight week old baby that has been though everything I have in the past five years, is dying.

My husband and I have been "all natural" for awhile now.  But when you have up to eight months between periods there isn't much hope that something is going to happen.  I've decided to start fertility treatment.  I understand I could get pregnant next cycle or years from now.  I understand I am high rate for miscarriage.    But I need to at least give it a try.  I need to move onto a different stage of my life.

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