TTC
I started and finish my five days of Femara. The side effects compared to Clomid were about the same, not that I had many Clomid s/e to begin with. The worst thing is I'm moody and bloated. And when you're bloated you feel fat which makes for an even worse mood. I didn't flip out or anything, but my patience was wearing thin with my husband.
I haven't had too much ovary pain. I had much more last cycle which equalled a 10mm and a bunch of tiny follicles. We'll see Friday at my ultrasound what is inside. If this cycle doesn't produce some good follicles it will also be canceled and I'll ether: A. move to Femara 7.5mg, B. move to Femara/Clomid + injectables, or C. have ovarian drilling surgery. Probably leaning towards the B or C. Though will my Bean's work schedule now would be a good time for drilling. If I do produce mature follicles then my IUI will be next week sometime.
Puppy News
For those do not know last winter we purchased our first dog. He's a male Chow Chow and now 9 months ago. I don't believe in neutering/spaying early (dog, cat, ferret, etc) so he is still whole. Now that he is getting older we are forced with the decision of getting him fixed or breeding him. For those do not know Chows are not a common breed of dog, at least not here. You don't see many purebred ones and often times when I bring him out people are interested in where he came from. Puppies can go all the way up to $6,000 for show quality, but generally average $1000, and a litter size of five.
We decided that Loki will be a daddy. We looked into finding him a women to breed with, but again they are so rare that doesn't exist. We thought about buying him a women, similar age or old that isn't fixed yet. But the same problem, they are just not that common. The last option, we buy him a puppy.
We bought Loki for $800. His sister, or wife, or whatever you call her will be $850 + 400 to ship. She is coming about 2,000 miles from Ohio. We put a deposit down on her already. She's not ready to come home, or even born or conceived yet. But since there is a waiting list we had to put a deposit now. They are pretty sure we'll have a puppy by the fall or winter which I guess is a short wait since we are looking for a female. The male list is much longer.
I'm very excited to buy cute pink stuff since that is one thing you can't do with a male.
Hoping this dog combo has better luck than Bean and I. Fuck some days I feel it can't get worse.
Baby Shower
I got an invite for a baby shower this weekend from a friend. Baby showers were a tiny bit fun before I knew I was infertile. I didn't mind buying cute baby stuff. They became painful after but I still went to them, even in-cycle for fertility drugs. My gift shopping became a gift card and I refuse to participate in any games. I knew I had to support my friends and knew they would do the same for me. Even if it met slapping a fake smile on for three hours.
At my last FRG meeting (husband's job) they do this baby blankets program for new moms, similar to the baby bibs in the past. The new mom stood up in front of the whole group to be "awarded" the blanket, she held up her newborn daughter, baby #3 for them. Then gave the typical stats for the date, time, weight, etc. when she was born. Everyone clapped and congratulated her. I didn't clap, I didn't smile, I just stared. Maybe because I'm bitter, or envious, or because I would of had a newborn soon. I showed no emotion at all. I wish it didn't have to be this way, but I'd rather be emotionless and cold than crying. Infertile self preservation.
Anyways for the baby shower I am 98% sure I am not going. Another example of emotional self preservation. I feel bad because this friend also has PCOS and did many failed IUIs (but never IVF). So she struggled also. But she had gastric bypass last year and since then I guess it has "cured" her PCOS so she got PG naturally. She is standard PCOS, where I am thin PCOS. I'm nowhere near the weight requirements for weight loss surgery and need to gain at least 100 lbs. to even be eligible for it. Gastric bypass is out of my reach as a cure for me. I've realized that there is not only a line between fertile and infertile, that there are infertile that have TTC for years and never gotten PG, women that have had a loss or several, and infertiles + loss. While we both have struggled she has not had to look at an ultrasound image and seen her dead child. That might sound rude but I sent her a nice message back letting her know the real reason I wouldn't be attending. It's just too painful.
Running Shoes
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I mentioned before I have problems with my knee. One of the thoughts I had that maybe my shoes are bad. I got my shoes over a year ago before I started running, and I also use them for hiking because I don't own hiking boots. Bean has a pair of those toe running shoes which look different. But he sometimes complains of feeling the ground too much (rocks) and I was never a fan of toe socks even when they were popular. A few time when we went to the mall I saw a pair of Reebok running shoes in the window at one shoe store. I loved the colours but I've never owned a pair of Reeboks before. And I have running shoes, though my knee isn't getting any better. Bean had to go shoe shopping this past weekend so we went to that store and I walked off to the women's section. He came to find me ten minutes later and I already had the shoes on my feet. The store had a buy one, get one for 50% off sale. I let him know I saved him money (ha!) on his own shoes by buying the $70 pair for me. I don't think he bought it. Anyways they are super comfy and I took about two minutes off my time tonight.
-Selbe
