Infant Adoption

I'm exhausted and I've had a headache for days.  I don't feel like I get enough sleep.  Maybe my side effects are worse this time because I take it at noon instead of before bed.  Or maybe because I didn't bring myself up from a low dose like last year.  I've very happy tomorrow is my last day of it.

Bean and I talked about possibly going through with infant adoption in the future if this route doesn't work out.  I don't know how far down this road I want to go.  I'm tired with it all already.  I don't know how I'd take it if I lost another baby.  Although I want to carry a baby inside of me and feel it kick, it's not worth it.  I don't want to see another baby died vix early miscarriage or my cervical incompetence.  My cervix isn't something you can fix with IVF, donor eggs or donor embryos.  What if I take that risk and one of these fertility treatments work out?  What if my cervix falls and I go into labour early?  What if my baby dies because of it?  Then I'm going to fear than I'll blame it on myself for killing it.  

I got the slightest interest in looking at baby cribs today.  I wouldn't buy one though, I have to have to perfect design in the perfect colour.   Infertility sometimes makes you really picky.

My first follicle scan ultrasound is on the 26th.  I'm hoping to see at least one follicle.  That would make my day.

-Selbe

Can't Wait to Buy My Own Baby

Source

A few of my friends have recently had a child or will be soon.  It makes me want to say, "I can't wait to have my own baby", but really I am thinking "I can't wait to buy my own baby".  Adoption or fertility treatments, nothing is free.  Unless of course I was a fertile.  Minus the initial investment in the $8 pregnancy test, everything is free to them.  And honestly I feel like I'm closer to adoption than conceiving my own naturally.  

I'm not 100% set in stone on it though.  I have two options for adoption, a newborn or an older child.

Newborn

I really want a newborn, I want to have a baby from the start.  Something I can teach from day one.  But a newborn costs a lot of money, about $20-30k according to Google.  And how would I feel about someone else carrying my child around for 9 months?  Would they treat it the same way I would have?  Did they do drugs?  What if it looks nothing like my husband and I?  Do we get our money back if the birth mother backs out?  There are too many questions and too many uncertainties.  

Older Child

Less money but still a long wait and lots of paperwork.  My mum left when I was 11 so I know what it feels like to be dumped like a child in foster care has been.  I can help.  I wouldn't want anyone else to go through what I have.  I feel at least I can save them.  This makes me cry but it's the truth and something that is always on the back of my mind.  

But I'll probably just hang out with the fertility treatments awhile longer.  I'm really awesome with needles, blood and pain so I'm a good candidate.  And it costs less than adoption (for now).  

CD17, OPK- (Umm ovaries are you even going to do anything this month?)