I have a fear I learned about today. I was reading Katie's post on how she told her husband she was pregnant. (Congrats by the way!) I was thinking back to the effort I put into telling Bean about our pregnancy. Would I do something similar for my next pregnancy? Probably not, I probably won't do anything special. I regret putting effort into the pregnancy, for nothing.
I even fear seeing my own positive pregnancy test. Will I associate it with happiness and bringing home a baby in 9 months? Or will I associate it with sadness, losing my baby and needing surgery. Does a positive pregnancy test automatically mean D&C for me? This scares me.
Emotionally I feel OK. Even after everything I know I need to suck it up and move on. There is no need to sit around and cry about the past. It's the past and I can't go back and fix it. There was something wrong with my baby from the beginning. No amount of folic acid or whatever else I could talk myself into that I did wrong would change that. Same for Munchlet. I did above and beyond the typical ferret care. He had special food his whole life, the organic laundry detergent, best ferret vet in New England and best health care money could buy. I took better care of him that I think some idiots do for their own children. But he still got cancer and died, nothing would have changed that. Only thing I can do is pick up the pieces and move on. I'm putting a wall up, I admit it. All the sadness goes on the other side of the wall while I can go on with my life. I fear the day that the wall might come crashing down.
My pregnancy hormones are dropping. Looking at how light my pregnancy tests are I'm expecting my beta to hit zero (or close to it) by my next test on the 16th. I no longer have the pregnancy exhaustion. (And my boobs haven't been sore for awhile.) I slept so well during my pregnancy, I loved it. As soon as my head hit the pillow I was out for the whole night. I got the best sleep then.
Now I am exhausted for other reasons. I'm not sleeping well at all. I lay there for long periods of time. When I go fall asleep I don't stay asleep for long. My dreams are more fear and nightmares. Today I woke up from a nap about Munchlet and him passing away. I was crying during the whole dream (but not in real life). Same thing happened the other day about my baby. I don't feel like I rest. The sleep is more emotionally draining than anything. I wish I wasn't dreaming at all. So everyday I am tired from my lack of good sleep.
I feel these dreams come from a lack of emotional outbursts that I should be having. Instead they are behind a wall and I am numb from everything.
I'm OK if I don't get pregnant this cycle, if you could even call it a cycle. I don't think I'm ovulating anyways.