Thursday, May 31, 2012

I've Changed

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I used to get excited for pregnancy and all things I could purchase for my new baby.  I'd start shopping and getting the nursery ready during the first trimester.  Family and friends would send me cute stuff in the mail.  Then there would be my baby shower and we would all welcome the birth.  Such a happy and excited time.

Two years later and one loss.  I've changed.

I regretted the fact I did buy a few small things for my first pregnancy.  Buying those things gave me hope.  Not matter how much hope you have it still can't change the future.   As a result I bought items and then my baby died.

I really don't see myself buying much early on during my next pregnancy.  The nursery will go unpainted week after week.  It's just not in me anymore.  There is a fear to getting excited and then having to come home without a baby.  Looking into the doorway at the nursery seems so painful.  Pregnancy is an exciting time, but it is also a time full of worrying.  

When I look at what is ahead of me with getting pregnant and then carrying a baby to term it feels like two large mountains.  The first is the fertility treatments to get pregnant.  The second is to get to 40 weeks (or somewhere close) with my damaged cervix.  I'm not sure how to climb up and over the mountains, yet I keep trying.
-Selbe

6 comments:

  1. I had similar feelings about buying things. After so many losses in the past I couldn't bring myself to buy pretty much anything prior to the birth, I thought I would jinx things, I couldn't even go through with having a baby shower, I just couldn't deal with the emotions of it all. For me I didn't even finish up the nursery until after the birth. Losses definitely scar you in ways regular people don't understand. There are all the what ifs that they just don't think about. I hope that you get to have an IUI done soon and hopefully it will result in a BFP! I'm rooting for ya!

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    1. It's funny how we fear of jinx it. When it reality losing our babies has nothing to do with whether we bought a onesie or crib. I really want a baby shower like everyone else, though I fear it just like you. What if I have a shower last minute at 39 weeks and have fun, then my baby is born stillborn or something. That or I'll turn into a crazy and have to have everything perfect.

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  2. I completely agree. I thought getting pregnant was the hard part and was so naive before my miscarriage. Now thinking about possibly being pregnant scares the crap outta me. All I can think of is having a dead baby again. Maybe I am paranoid. I'm afraid that when I get pregnant again it will take me forever to bond or feel connected to the baby dur to my own fears. *hugs* This Israel truly something a person can't fully understand unless they have walked in your shoes.

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    1. Stupid autocorrect... hope you could understand the jibberish parts.

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    2. Yeah I'm sure when I'm PG again I'll be calling up the RE, OBGYN or end up at the ER at least once a week. I'll have bleeding, some sort of pain or not feel movement. Then I'll talk myself into thinking the baby is dead and that will go downhill quick until I get an U/S. Maybe I should just go register myself at the local ER now.

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  3. I'm so sorry for your loss. Infertility is so painful. First time to your blog. Im following along and wishing success in your first IUI. Good luck!

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