Fertile Infertile?

There has always been a line between being fertile and infertile.  You can't really be both.  When you are infertile you look at an fertile as being naive, always happy.  The grass is definitely greener on their side.  We long to stand on that nice grass, instead we are put through more pain.  Pain in the form of disappointment or in the form of physical pain from our bodies or medical procedures.  We feel most fertile don't want to be bothered with knowing about the pain infertile women go through.  Sure there are a few excepts and I have some great real life friends that are interested in what is going on with my uterus.  But for the most part (like many things) if it doesn't effect you or someone you know personally then it is kind of out of mind.  I'm not exactly sure how fertiles see infertiles since I've never been one.  That's just my opinion from my side of the line.

Two weeks ago I go to cross the line to the fertile side.  I am currently 6 weeks, 4 days pregnant.  I am very happy.   But I don't feel like a "fertile".  I'm not one of them, I've seen too much, I've been infertile for too long.  Those pregnant women are different from me.

Up until now the only forums I've been apart of online are for infertile, ether certain drugs I've been on, military spouses or just general ones.  I fit best there.  I still visit those groups but I don't post much anymore because I don't want to rub my pregnancy in.  I decided to join a few pregnancy groups, particular for women due in August also.  I don't fit there ether.  

• These women are naive.  They have a very limited knowledge about pregnancy.  They don't believe anything bad could ever happen.
• These women complain about their symptoms.  I got it, you feel like crap.  I few people that posted were concerned about their lack of symptoms (lack or decrease can sometimes hint towards miscarriage).  They have every right to be worried, some have already gone through several MC.  One person mentioned how "lucky" they are that they don't have symptoms.  All depend on how you look at it.  Honestly I'd rather feel like crap and have every symptom in the book, then MC or be infertile.  I've been infertile too long. I know every time a fertile complains about morning sickness or whatever other issues they've had there are a handful of infertile women that would give anything to vomit everyday for 9 months straight if that meant they were bringing a baby home at the end of it.  
• They complain about their lack of medical care, ultrasounds or doctors appointments compared to the other women in the group.  Most OBGYNs won't even see a women 'til they are 8-12 weeks, and some won't even give an u/s 'til 20 weeks.  The women that have the u/s early are high risk or have gone through some fertility treatment.  If anything they deserve something out of the deal.  Leave them alone.

Next topic....

I'm going to try and have more faith in the baby.  My biggest fear right now is MC.  I've been trying for too long to have it finally given to me and then taken away so quick.  But after the last cry fest I realized something.  If it were to happen there is nothing that can be done to prevent it so I just have to let nature take its course.  

I really was looking forward to seeing the baby's heartbeat at the u/s the other day.  I knew I wouldn't see much ether way because it is too early.  And everything is way too small right now to get an answer ether way.  I was taken back by measuring around 5 weeks vs 6 weeks.  I'm 90% sure on the day I O'ed, I mean with the OPKs.  But it could have been later I guess.  I was thinking after beta #1 at 18dpo that was only 86.  That is low on average for 18dpo, not impossible but more close to 13.5dpo (Beta Base).  Same with 20dpo = average 16.5; however, 26dpo = average 26dpo.  And I didn't get my first BFP 'til 15dpo, kind of late.  Maybe my O date is off, or the embryo implanted late.  Ether one of those could throw my dates off by several days and push be back to 5 weeks.  I am not worried about it, the RE is not worried about it.  He wouldn't have told me about getting sent back to the OBGYN if he didn't think the baby would make it.  

I've had more symptoms the last couple days.  Sore and itchy boobs, almost threw up my vitamins today, peed a lot.  And a lot more cramps, pressure/full cramps.  I wouldn't feel the pressure of my uterus growing if there was no baby.  I have faith in you baby, I'm sure there will be a heartbeat at the next u/s.

-Selbe