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I used to want to be an OBGYN and deliver babies. But the whole 8+ years of school turned me off. Instead I just expend my time with Dr. Google and reading about pregnancy, birth, and any disorders of the female reproductive system. I've collected tons of knowledge that is pretty much useless to me right now. And I probably have a more detailed birth plan than a women in her third trimester. But now I no longer spend time researching pregnancy. Everything has now shifted to how to get pregnant to begin with. I research the differences between fertility drugs, how they work, side effects, increased risk for miscarriage or multiples. How each procedure and test works. And who can forget Aunt Judith's cousin's neighbours secret on how she got PG. I have to say this stuff is nowhere near as exciting as learning about a 30 week fetus or Pitocin. It is almost ironic.
I still consider myself a "new" infertile. In fact Dr. S lists me as "subfertile." Which means I might be able to conceive on my own someday, but not today or probably anytime soon. I am not waiting 'til I'm 42 to see if maybe my ovaries will start working again. I'm fixing the problem now. And I honestly have very, very, little hope that I'll ever have a 28 day cycle (or anywhere near that) with ovulation for an extended period of time. I was told ten years ago that I would "outgrow" this problem and that my cycles would become more regular as I got older. That's a lie and in fact I seem to have done the opposite. If I've seen CD200 on more than one occasion I'll just mark myself as infertile.
I've yet to do IVF or IUI. I've had no surgeries related to IF and the only testing I've had is some simple BW and an U/S. The only drugs I've been on is Clomid and Provera. And I have never had a miscarriage. I've had it pretty easy so far compared to most. So I don't want anyone to feel bad for me. If you want a national feel-bad-for-an-infertile day then I'll give you a list of many other women that have just had their 5th miscarriage or are going through their 3rd try at IVF.
I would much rather bring awareness to the topic that is almost seen at taboo. No one wants to talk about it but you know it's there. The world will be all sunshine and rainbows if it didn't exist. And that's wrong. I was never afraid of talking about my cervical dysplasia or any STD I might of had. These things do exist and I want to help others. It's not something you look down at someone for.
Never pity me.
Every blog post, I always begin to write you a comment. Every blog post I delete it. I do this bc I know that I would get so annoyed with other ppl who would assure me "my day would come", or point out my age and say I had plenty of time. [Yeah I get it *insert person*, I started young, but that's bc I wanted lots of kids. Who knew I'd have so much trouble just getting one?] I know there really isn't much I can leave in a comment that will do anything to help you. And the last thing you want is for someone with kids to try and comfort you bc how could they really comprehend what you are going through?
ReplyDeleteBut I am glad you are getting the issue out there. I read your every update, and root for you as if I've known you all my life, when in reality we have maybe had three conversations, and those were because we were in a group. But I have to admit, I do feel sadness. Not pity really, just a sadness, bc the memory of these feelings is still all too clear for me.
I also get sad when I read your bitterness. I know how alone you can sometimes feel when the whole world around you is pregnant, and you sit in a closet in tears bc it's just another month that it's not you. Well maybe you don't hide in a closet. I think that is the hardest part about your blog. Is the open bitterness that I use to try so hard to hide. You get it out there. Full on, no regrets, I'm pissed about this situation. It's empowering, but I hate that you are living with it, and I never want it to consume you. I hope you continue counting the many positives you do have in your life, so that it doesn't take over you. I did laugh at your list of January birthdays sucking. I know it was still posted in irony and sadness, but you were trying to find an upside.
I could go on, sharing stories of enragement, disappointment, that finally, after a long struggle lead to the miracle we all want, but some days, you just don't want to hear others peoples success stories. You just want your own.
For once though, I wanted to leave my mark on one of your posts. Not going to lie, I secretly try to read between the lines of your blogs/statuses to be sure I am not one of those who set off the newest feeling of anger. I know I am an overexcited Mom, and I feel like my kid poops sunshine and roses. There have been times your words on this sting me a little, even though you say over and over how you can't help feeling that way. When you get that baby in your arms after so much struggle, [bc I am going to take the moment to be that annoying person that says it is going to happen] you will be so overwhelmed with gratefulness that your kid will be the reason the sun rises too.
Anyways the entire point on this long comment was to let you know I support you, I am reading your rants, and I am rooting for you. We may have different stories, different situations, but we all want mother nature to do her dang job right. You keep writing, I'll keep rooting. And regardless of your religious preferences, I'll keep praying that this blog gets deleted for one that depicts a different type of journey.