Saturday, August 18, 2012

Where the Grass is Greener

Like I mentioned before we are a military family.  My husband is off deployed or doing something and misses a lot of things.  My birthday, Christmas, when the washer breaks and I'm out in the garage swearing at it.  When you first hear about your spouse missing, let's say your 23rd birthday, you get angry, then are just annoyed with the whole situation.  Events like that happen over and over again you start feeling it is the norm.  These things happen when you are pregnant.  Your hubby sometimes miss important ultrasounds and appointments.  Sometimes even the birth.

Our last command was really good about getting men home for their baby's birth.  Whether it be your first or fourth time.  In the four years we were apart of that command I only knew of one missed birth and in that case the sailor was already on the plane home from deployment when she went into labour.  He missed the birth by four hours.  

The last year and a half of our time there we were in a shipyard.  It's long hours but your husband comes home most nights.  Many women thought this was the perfect time to have a baby.  He'll be home for the whole pregnancy, birth, and at least the first couple months of the baby's life.  I admit, I was in on this idea also.  Except I spent the whole time fucking around with the whole actually getting PG part.

I did get PG, right at the very end of the shipyard work.  My due date is next week, at least it was.  Since we were switching commands in a matter of months I got a tentative schedule for our new command.  He was going to miss the birth.  I know his job he isn't able to have someone just fill in, it doesn't work like that.

I got angry, very angry.  I yelled and screamed, probably threw a few things.  First I was just angry he was going to miss this important event.  Deep down I wasn't angry at the military, I was angry at myself.  If I just had a normal body and normal ovaries I could have gotten PG the year or so before like everyone else.  I could of had my baby and Bean would have been there.  I was angry at myself and the hand I was dealt.  After everything he was most likely going to miss the birth.  Then envious at what everyone else had.  

A week later I lost my baby.

Never again did I mention this fear and angry about delivering alone.

I have a friend who's husband recently got deployed and is the same situation, delivering without him soon.  She's really upset, which I can understand.  But I can't listen to it.  She's an emotional mess and I'm looking at her like she has everything (baby on the way).  Everything I want, everything I lost.

The grass is always greener on the other side.

This brown grass is actually
how mine looks right now
with the lack of rain
in WA.


  1. I can relate to this entry! Thanks for posting!

  2. I'm all too familiar with the military lifestyle and everything that it brings so this post hit home with me. Why can't our bodies just behave? Hang in there and remember to breathe.


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