Day 4

Source

I went back to work on Sunday.  We actually lost power due to an freak October snow storm and I got put in the back stocking shelves because I was not needed.  I was able to lift most of the heavy things.  Only a few things over 30 or 40lbs. I couldn't do.  Cat litter, water and all the normal heavy stuff I am able to lift (I impressed one guy by putting his 25 lb. weights in his cart for him).  My uterus was cramping Sunday and yesterday my back was hurting a lot, but nothing too bad that I need pain meds.  

And we hired a pregnant women.  One of "them".  The other side.  A fertile.  I'm not too pleased by this and I was really enjoying working with the older ladies that have already gone through menopause and the high school students.  I thought I'd be somewhat safe.  But I'm trying to be nice.  I asked about her fetus, when it was due and such.  Though every time I ask her something about the baby it turns into listening to her talk about it for five minutes.  That's way too long for this infertile.  I'm hoping to just not see her often.  I did send her to do something else far, far away from me Sunday.  

The bandaids were removed on Saturday.  The hole in my navel is still a little bloody and my lower one is scabbed over.  Navel piercing has closed. :(  I also have a large bruise under my navel and on my hand from the IV.  The incisions are not too painful though but every once and awhile I bump it and it becomes sore.

Gas bubbles are a bitch though.  I've been sleeping sitting up on my couch the last couple days.  Laying down causes the bubbles to go to my shoulders.  I've dragged my king size down comfortable out to it along with a bunch of pillows.  I just tried to lay down a little while ago and I didn't get any shoulder pain so I'm going to try the bed tonight.

I can even feel the bubbles if I press on my stomach.  I made Bean do it too because he thought I was insane.  The bloating is starting to go down too.

I've only taken Ibuprofen so far (mainly for the shoulder).  No Oxycontin yet.

I'm going to go with the +OPK on Sunday as being real.  I didn't get anymore + digital ones, but the cheap ones have been +.  Now they are slowly getting lighter.  When they are false positives they get dark, light, dark, light over and over again, not gradual.  If this is so AF will arrive the 13/14th.  

My post-op is Thursday for the RE to figure out what to do with me next.  Ether injections plus another drug like Clomid, IUI or IVF.  But I'm almost temped to just wait it out and keep taking my Vitex.  If two cycles that are fairly regular happen with just the Vitex I'd rather just keep taking that and try naturally.  The side effects are way less and it's a whole hell of lot fucking cheaper.  Maybe I'll get knocked up like a normal person?  

This cycle is a BFN though.  I tried my best to get Bean to have sex with me, even though we are not supposed to until at least Thursday.  Things I have tried:

• jerking him off
• giving him head
• got naked & showed him my boobs (this usually works)
• got in my favorite position
• offered to do some turkey baster trick (though I don't think we actually own a turkey baster, & now no one is going to come over for Thanksgiving after reading this)
• offered to have him come in a Softcup & insert it in me
•  told him to just come on my outsides & maybe some of the swimmers would make their way up (health class told me I could get PG this way)

Yup nothing worked.  Officially mark it as a loss.  I've heard you're are supposed to be more fertile after an HSG since the dye cleans out the tubes or something.  Not sure how true that is but I was hoping to try it out.  The crazy psychic told me August would be my month, which means a baby convinced in November-ish time.  I still have time! 

-Selbe

CD16, OPK-

WTF? Need Advice...

What the fuck is this?  My cheap OPK came up as close positive.  So I used the digital one (the one I use when I'm not really sure).  And this is now smiling.  It's only CD14?  I can't even have sex 'til Thursday (cervix open, risk of infection).  I don't think I have much lining built up ether since I had all the bleeding with surgery.  Maybe it's a false positive?  I held my pee for two hours.  The cheap tests like it at two, digital ones like it at four.  I usually just do something in between because I use the same pee for both.  When you go up to 6 OPKs a day it's hard to have enough pee for all of them.  I'm going to try to nap and hold the pee in for four hours, then test again.

I just don't get it.  I did Clomid 50mg and never ovulated.  I got increased to 100mg and for two cycles I did O.  The fourth cycle I never O'ed.  Increased to 150mg and again I never O'ed.  Why is it after I'm pulled from the drug that my body starts working?

How am I going to get the sperm in me for this cycle if I can't have sex?  I need advice.

 

CD14

Day Two

I am sooo bloated and huge!  It's hard too, not squishy like fat.  And I can't suck it in.

I haven't been tired much lately.  I went to bed late last night and then woke up early.  I took some Ibuprofen but couldn't get comfortable.  I started out on my back but I kept feeling pain by the lungs and right shoulder.  As soon as I would sit up it would go away.  So I layed on my left side and that felt much better.  As some point during the night I did roll over onto my back but then I woke up in the morning with a backache.  I tried to fall asleep for a couple more hours and eventually did sitting up.  I'm assuming this feeling is the gas floating around and I'm told I'd feel it in the right shoulder.  I thought gravity would take action and it would rise when I'm standing, but the opposite seems to be happening when I'm laying down.  Anyways it is painful so I avoid laying flat.  And this warming massage chair is amazing for my back and shoulder.

FYI With many types of  Laparoscopic Surgeries they fill your abdomen with CO2 gas to expand it.  This helps the camera and other tools get inside.  Your body naturally get rid of the extra gas left inside it.

The incisions really don't hurt too bad.  I've had my navel pierced twice and it often leaves your stomach sore for awhile.  It also makes it hard to bend over and get on the floor.  This is similar pain to that.  It's sore and I'm slow to get up and down, but I'm not wincing in pain.  It sometimes almost burns like having a razor burn.

I was able to take a shower and drive myself today.  Even went to a party for a few hours, but didn't do more than stand or sit around.  Tomorrow my bandaids come off.

CD13, OPK-

Lap Surgery

Before

My Laparoscopic Surgery and Hysteroscopy was yesterday morning.  It went good and eh.

October 25th - Surgery arrival time set at 7:30AM.  Then changed to 8:30.

October 26th - Surgery arrival time changed to 6:30AM.

October 27th 5:30 :45AM - Wake up.

6:00AM - In the car.  Downpouring, again.  It's only really rained hard twice in the past two weeks, both on my surgery days.

6:30 - Arrive at surgery center & check in.

6:50 - Called into back room, changed into my gown and slipper socks.

Before

7:00 - I'm given a chair.  Hooked up to heart monitor, blood pressure machine & took my temperature.  98.1°F this time, woo hoo!

7:20 - IV goes in.  I'm in pain because the tie is super tight around my arm to get my vein to pop out, the two needles they put in me were nothing.  Bean honestly looked like he was in more pain watching it go in.  (Then again this is my third time having an IV, he's never had one put in, & has a fear of needles. Good thing I'm the IF one & goes though all this shit.)

7:40 - RIP navel ring.  They made me take it out, well Bean did since I couldn't being being hooked up to everything.  They originally said to put it in right after, then I few days later.  Then when I woke up I heard something about infected (but I was really out of it.) So we'll see.

7:50 - They walk me into the room where my surgery is done.  I'm told to hop up on the bed and put my butt above the hole in it.  Both my arms of put off to the sides.  Things start to get "drunk", AKA blurry & I start laughing.  The Dr. tells me he already gave me one type of med.  A mask is put over my face & I'm told to breath. Few second later I was out.

8:50 - I began to wake up in the room I started with, except a bed not a chair.  Everything is so blurry & Bean comes in.  I'm given ginger ale but can't find the straw.

After

9:00 - Dr. H comes over to show me the photos, said some stuff put I was way too out of it.

9:20 - Told I need to pee before I leave & it might burn since a catheter was inserted. It only burned a little but there was tons of blood.  Bean helped me change back into my normal clothes & I'm given a seat in the chair again.

9:30 - Dr. H came & explained the photos again.

9:40 - Released & heading home.

10:10 - Told Bean I was nauseous on the way home, I threw up twice in the car.

10:30 - Home & in bed.  I slept on & off 'til 1, but couldn't sleep anymore since I had to pee every 20 minutes thanks to the IV fluids.

I'm in less pain than I thought.  My stomach is sore but it has stopped cramping.  My throat is sore from the tube they put down it.  My pee is still burning.  But overall I'm up and moving around.  I've gone up and down stairs, walked around two shopping stores tonight, and I'm eating solid foods.  I was prescribed Ibuprofen and Oxycontin for the pain, but so far I've only taken the Ibuprofen once.  My biggest issue and they fill you with gas to expand the abdomen.  This gas tend to rise up to the shoulders and cause pain, which it hasn't yet.  Plus the swelling.  My stomach feels so big (and hard).  I could probably pass as having an early pregnancy.

You are probably wondering how it went, so...

Cervix - Almost completely gone due to both my LEEPs.  I mentioned this before.  I'm wondering if this 100% sets me up for needed a cervical cerclage?  RE has to dilate it a lot to get the tube past the scar tissue and into my uterus.

Uterus - Normal but showed abrasions (the red marks)?  He said since I go so long between AF that this can happen.

Left Fallopian Tube - Normal.  Open & nothing wrong.

Right Fallopian Tube - Not normal.  It was open so they didn't have to unblock it.  But there was a lot of scar tissue, it was enlarged & very twisted.  This increases my risks of ectopic pregnancy by a lot.  Not sure if this means I skip IUI & head to IVF instead.  But since it's not block they left it as is.

Ovaries - Normal.  I'm assuming they are the blue/white things in the photos.  My tubes are also blue in colour due to the dye they used.

Liver - Normal.  Not sure why they gave me a photo of it.  But I guess I haven't drank it to death yet.

Vagina - Doing amazing like always.  Kind of sad I can't have sex or even take a bath for a week since my cervix with dilated.

My post-op appointment is next Thursday, which is also my "what to do with me appointment."  SA was done, HSG Lap Surgery done, BW done, U/S done.  I can now move forward with treatment.  And paying big money for what the other 99% of the population gets for free.  

CD12

What If

What IF: A Portrait of Infertility

I really just wanted to get the surgery over with Thursday so I was kind of disappointed when they told me it was canceled.  I thought I could easily pass off as a non-sick person.  I tried my best not to look exhausted and snotty when I arrived at the surgery center.  They had me change and started hooking me up to the machines before they took my temperature. But in all honestly it was probably for the best.  I was feeling really crappy and I'm sure I would have been even worse post-surgery.  I didn't feel anywhere near ready.

I talked to work and they were able to change the schedule for the new surgery date.  Bean has to work so I don't know if he'll be able to come pick me up now.  If not I'm sure I could find at least one person in the area to come get me and drop me off at home.  My post-op appointment at the RE is now November 3rd. 

I'm still shocked I got AF all on my own.  Every once and awhile I mention my insides hurt, somewhere around my ovaries or uterus.  I usually just pass it off as sore insides from rough sex or sore muscles from the gym (honestly those are probably better assumptions).  I had this happen about two weeks ago, even thought it might be O pains but that's a silly thought and just forgot about it.  Same thing the last couple days.  Turns out those pains are menstrual cramps.

Still don't get how my body can't work with Clomid 50, 100 and 150mg, but all of a sudden do its job when I have nothing at all in my system.  Only thing I can think of is my Vitex worked.  I'm never really sure about herbal medicine.  I always figure if they really work then the drug companies would have found some way to market them by now.  I'm not really sure how that works.  Maybe I even ovulated?

So goals for the next few weeks:

• Lap Surgery (take two) - October 27th CD11
• Saliva Ferning (maybe) - CD7+
• OPK - CD12+
• Post-Op - November 3rd CD18

-Selbe

CD5

Surprise AF

Why am I spotting?  It's only CD31.  I didn't take any Provera, fertility drugs or birth control pills this cycle.  Why is this happening?  I'm so confused.  Why is my body being normal after all this time?

-Selbe

CD31

Surgery Canceled

Too high of a fever for me today.  I had an 101°F temperature when arriving at the center.  So they sent me home.  :(

Least I can get something to drink, eat and some cold meds in me now.

I'm rescheduled for October 27th.

-Selbe

Surgery Today

Source

...and I'm sick with probably a cold or the flu.  How convenient.  I started feeling like crap yesterday.  Really hot or really cold, nausea, sharp pains, sore throat, congestion...  I worst part is I'm so thirsty.  My nose is completely clogged so I can only breath out of my mouth.  Which is now drying up because of it.  I can't drink ANYTHING, even water.  So I keep pushing my saliva down my throat.  And I can't sleep.  I never sleep well when I'm sick.  

I'll probably be more whiney over the cold than the actual surgery.  

Anyways my bag is packed with a change of clothes, pillow, blanket, pads (because that's the one AMAZING thing about a lot of these procedures is you leak random fluids out your vagina for hours and days, who hoo!)  I have stuff to do while I wait, hoping it's not too long.  Directions for Bean when I'm too out of it to communicate normally.  I have my health records and forms are filled out.  Just waiting another hour for Bean to bring me to the surgery center.

I got Sunday off work too, the day I was supposed to go back.  A co-worker really needed the money and I could use a couple more days of resting.  So I handed my shift over to them.  I don't need the money that bad for day to day living, just saving for medical bills.

I even took pictures of my now stomach.  *sniff sniff* Navel piercing will be gone. :(  I'm going to move onto tattoos next.

-Selbe

CD28

Pre-Op Appointment 10/6

Source

Recap from my pre-op for my Laparoscopy/Hysteroscopy next Thursday:

• Dr. H went over where the cuts will be made.  One inside my belly button, and then one or two much lower on my stomach.  The lower ones will need a couple stitches.  They'll also be doing an Hysteroscopy and going up through my cervix again.  Who cares about pain this time, I'll be asleep. 
• No food or drinks after midnight, which will be hard since I'm always drinking something all day and night.
• Show up at 9am, surgery at 10.  This might change the day before.
• I get to see pictures of my insides.  This is probably the most exciting part.
• SA results from August - 23 million at 70% motility.  I didn't get the paper with all the exact numbers.  But in June it was 20 million at 60%, so up a bit.  RE said his numbers of fine.
• My hormone BW from last month as off a lot.  Didn't really say how that is fixable, but that I'm not ovulating.  And I already figured that one out.
• My US showed MANY follicles (eggs).  RE said that's a really good sign.  Probably has something to do with my five cycles of Clomid.  My ovaries are just not releasing them, they are just circling around I guess.  I see trigger shots in my near future.  And no cysts showed up on the US.
• I do not have insulin resistance PCOS.  No Metformin for me.  In fact I have very few symptoms of PCOS.  But that is what the RE is going to label me for now.  (That I'm pretty sure we have run out of other things to test for.) 
• I was told to take Thursday and Friday off.  Saturday I can most likely go back to work, most definitely by Monday.
• I asked how I could do IUI or IVF if I couldn't even get the HSG tube past my cervix?  I guess the tube is much smaller for IUI/IVF.  
• RE said I can have lots of embryos and freeze them so I can have babies for years.  Little a head of yourself?  If anything I won't be having IVF 'til after I move since I can't leave the embryos behind. I'm not sure how shipping works on something like that.  
• I want pictures of these embryos.  I really like pictures.   I will make it my Facebook profile photo.  Ha I got one up on those US photos. 
• I can have a 2012 baby.

-Selbe

CD23

Thoughts

Source

I really don't have anything "happy" to announce.  Same crap, same doctors, same meds, same unresponsive ovaries and same tears.

I saw the bill for the cost of my HSG last week, $1250.50.  Lots of money for a painful procedure that they didn't even get results from.  As of right now I only owe $49 of it.  Health insurance ♥ Selbe!

Two doctors appointments this week.  ENT today to have my ears checked again.  I'm amazing how much enthusiasm I had during my first few hearing tests.  Now I wake up right before I'm suposed to leave the house, show up 20 minutes late and I'm barely awake as I hold me hand up over and over again for the testing.  The results were the same as always, mixed hearing loss, both conductive and sensorineural.  They are trying to fix my conductive with allergy shots, and hoping the sensorineural goes with it.  I've been saying for years that I can hear people at a normal sound level but their words were all mushed together.  My lip reading has become better though, but as soon as someone turns their head I become lost.  I'm good at mimicking facial expressions so it seems like I'm still with the topic.  If you smile, I smile.  If you look sad, I look sad.  If I change the topic right after, I had no idea what we were talking about to begin with.

• Conductive Hearing Loss - when sound is not conducted efficiently through the outer ear canal to the eardrum & the tiny bones of the middle ear... reduction in sound level or the ability to hear faint sounds. Causes: Fluid in the middle ear, Ear infection, Allergies, Poor eustachian tube function
• Sensorineural Hearing Loss - when there is damage to the inner ear, or to the nerve pathways from the inner ear to the brain... cannot be medically or surgically corrected... reduces the ability to hear faint sounds... Even when speech is loud enough to hear, it may still be unclear or sound muffled. Causes: Hearing loss that runs in the family, Aging, Malformation of the inner ear - From: American Speech-Language-Hearing Association

The other appointment is for my pre-op on Thursday.  I have mixed feeling about laparoscopic surgery.

• Am I excited?  Far from it.  I was excited to have my tonsils removed because I knew it was the end of my pain (physically).  This is different.  This could be the start of more pain (emotionally).
• Do I fear the physical pain after?  No, then again I have no idea what to expect.  I heard it's like gallbladder surgery, though I've heard bad stories of that too.  Last two people I've known to have their gallbladder removed talked about the pain for a month past.  Literally I heard less whining from a friend who recently had a C-section.
• Do I fear the emotional pain after?  Very much!
• Why do it?  I feel I have to, that I have no other choice.  Mainly for Bean (who can hopefully fucking show up to this one).  Really I can go any further 'til I have it done.  And it's been too long of not knowing.  People ask me all the time what is wrong with me, and I really don't have a good answer for them because I don't understand it myself.  I could have a whole 30 minute conversation about everything that is wrong, which tends to come with a lot of questions.  Sometimes I just say something simple like "ovary failure".  Short, simple and doesn't come with questions.
• What can they find wrong?  Endometriosis, cysts, scarring, blocked fallopian tubes, malformations, nothing at all.
• What's next?  Fix or remove whatever is wrong, maybe other possible procedures.  
• Fixable?  Who knows.  But it will probably mean 99% chance I'll need IUI or IVF in the future, which means lots of $$$.
• Not fixable?  Not sure.  Eventually move on to adoption, again lots of $$$.
• My poor stomach?  Honestly it doesn't look so hot now.  I have other scars on it and at 5'1" my modeling days are over before they ever began.  I'm most worried about losing my navel ring since it's not healed enough to be removed and put back in yet.  I'm thinking of just getting  tattoos instead. 
• Days off work?  Three days.  I'm a strong cookie.  I'll just find someone else to do heavy lifting for me.  And if I'm really in too much pain then I'm sure Bean will call out for me, because I don't think I'll do it myself.  

It's not that I'm really needed that much at work.  Ok well it's the holiday season so my position is needed, but I myself am not.  And I don't really need need the money.  But deep down I don't want to be broken.  I don't want to be my broken self.  I don't want to admit there is something wrong with me.  I want to be a normal person, and I attend to go back to acting like one as soon as possible.  Even though that might be unrealistic.  

I don't know what I'm doing with my life ether.  

-Selbe